Goodbye

To quote Madonna: "There is only so much you can learn in one place." 

What I got at my internship site was far more than I bargained for.  At my goodbye lunch, I was asked what my most memorable moment on the units were.  I was overwhelmed - I'm no good at on-the-spot answers - so I said that my experience felt like someone had opened my head, barfed in my brain, and shook it all around. At my last session, though, I had a really touching moment. We took the karaoke machine over with the girls and everyone sang a song. The last song we did was "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.  It's a well-known song but here are the lyrics:

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked own

Just try your best, try everything you can

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride,

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same,

You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.

Live right now, yeah, just be yourself,

It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride,

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

---------------

It's totally my power song - I sing it when I'm riding my bike, running, or in the car in tears when I've had a really hard day. I was jumping around with the girls, singing the song and the words really sank in, and of course I started tearing up.  The unit staff had brought me cupcakes, so when the singing was through we enjoyed those, talked about everyone's plans for the holidays, what I'd be doing now that I was done with internship.  When the girls were walking away toward their unit, they started singing the chorus again...and that's when the tears flowed. I tried my best not to ugly cry, but didn't do much of a good job.

I can feel that there are a lot of things about me that are different since starting that adventure six months ago.  I am far more independent - actually, I've been trying to figure out if and how to protect my "me" time during the weekend...It's 8:05 on Monday morning and I'm realizing I'm going to get a LOT of "me" time during the week.  a LOT. Clinically, I know that I am far more patient and that I have a ton more confidence in group leading.  I know how to take care of myself mentally, know when I've poured too much of myself out to be good for my patients.  I'm more professional, and I have developed strong personal and professional boundaries.  

But I have to say, I am really going to miss my coworkers - they are some of the most talented therapists I know.

So, now the big question that I've heard a million times over the last few weeks: "What's next for you?"  Well, there's not a simple answer to that question.  I need to finish my thesis (and that can be broken down into about a hundred million steps in itself), study, take a practice certification exam,  study some more, take my certification exam (hopefully only once), graduate, look for a job.  My goal for today is actually to sit down and map out a timeline for all that that I will stick to.  And that's just the professional stuff. In the mean time, I have Christmas presents to make, a guest bathroom to finish, baby gifts to work on for friends, a garden that calls to me every day, a wreck for an office that is (after this weekend) THANKFULLY on its way to being somewhat organized, and family and friends to see.  

Balance.  That's why I'm spending time with Jesus this morning and doing yoga later.  I need some inner balance, perspective.

So farewell, Austin - it's been real. Don't be offended when I say I was ready to leave you and go back to Dallas, 'cos let's face it, Dallas doesn't have any idea how to be as cool as you.  You are in a lot of ways home to me because my friends are still there with you, and family is a short way away and you know that a part of my heart is still there on the Lady Bird trail, on First Thursdays at HomeSlice, the local farm operated restaurants, the farmer's market, and biking on Shoal Creek.  I think this time I've spent with you has been a good growing experience for me, different than the time before when I was all wild and in college and couldn't appreciate you Austin for the city-beyond-the-university that you are.  It's time to take all you've taught me and influence the heart and mind of Dallas.  See you soon, Austin.  Love you.

Many thanks to Mom, Dad, Karen, Matt, Natalie, Carlos, Morrises, Robert, The Great Kate, Ev, Collin, Clay, Drew, Russ, Justin, Ed, Ian, Sarah, McGuires, Jettes, for consistently being there for me and being an incredible, unfailing support system for me. Props out to my bloggy friends as well for cheering me on from afar :)