humbled.

I got a facebook message from an acquaintance from Longhorn Band who said that she is at 41 weeks prego and may be looking at an induction, which may lead to a c-section and what was humbling is that her friend recommended she talked to me about my whole birth experience. It was wonderfully therapeutic to pay it forward in a way, to encourage her that she is strong and can get through it. Humbled because it made me realize that even though I'm feeling a little lost these days, scrambling to add structure and get into a groove, that the story of Adeline's birth is one that needs to be told and retold and reminds me of how hard I worked for her. It's a story that grounds me and makes me stop and appreciate my family, and what we've endured together.

I found these quotes today and love them:

"Birth is not only about making babies. It's about making mothers~ strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and believe in their inner strength." - Barbara Katz Rothman

The wisdom and compassion a woman can intuitively experience in childbirth can make her a source of healing and understanding for other women.
Stephen Gaskin

****UPDATE****

I received this facebook message yesterday, seriously warmed my heart:

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You were able to instill so much confidence that I had lost and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. We were induced with Pitocin Monday afternoon and he was born this morning at 9:53 am. Other than the Pit (to work on contractions) we were able to labor and deliver with no other drugs.  Thank you so much for your help.

*glow*

RAWr

I started working with a raw foods coach to address my health! It's a long story but let me just say she is awesome and I LOVE her, and I'm on day two and am already learning so much. Like, your poop changes colors when you eat only raw veggies. Also, Goji berries are my new happy place. Seriously. SO GOOD. One of my snacks today was one cup of blueberries, one cup blackberries, and a handfull of Goji's with 4oz of almond milk. Totally my new favorite thing.

I eat breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner, and a snack that is laid out on an emailed menu by Her Rawness and the weird thing is that while yesterday I was tearing through the foodles, today I'm finding it more difficult to get through my meals. Like, I'm FULL. It's different from feeling totally satisfied, and I'm wondering if it has to do with not eating cooked food and changing my mindset about that. 

Don't worry, I'm not going to give up cooked food for good - I just want to go mostly raw right now and see how this way of eating will impact my mood, thoughts, and overall health.

Hummingbird.

Now that I am home 24/7 I have all these ideas. Things I want to work on, cook, bake, write, sew, crochet, listen to, etc.

Just writing that list is dizzying! I have therefore resolved to give myself a two-week break from thinking about all the things that I want to be doing and focus on the things that I OUGHT to be doing, namely, building a foundation, some routines for myself and my familia so that when I have an extra hour here or there I can be focused in my attack on all that stuff I mentioned above. 

And, lucky you, you'll probably like my blog a whole lot more once I find some focus :)

i wish...

me:  uh oh

 Kyle:  ?

 me:  someone in our neighborhood is giving away a 10 week old lab puppy because her kids are allergic.

 Kyle:  that's a shame

 me:  yup

it's a cute puppy.

 Kyle:  it's not in our house is it?

 me:  right now?

 Kyle:  ever?

now it's time to get back

Just a quick update as my sunshine is napping for more than 20 minutes for the first. time. today.

1) I joined Stroller Strides! thinking "hey this will be a nice little workout and I can meet moms." I get my ass kicked 3 times a week and it is AWESOME. and painful. in a good way.

2) I met and hung out with a raw foods coach and am going to go "high raw vegetarian" starting tomorrow. Kind of excited about it. 

3) I had a moment last week after Stroller Strides when after class a herd of ducks came up to us so I took A out of her stroller and stood her up on the sidewalk. She smiled SO BIG and started sort of QUACK-ing at them! In that moment I thought to myself, "yeah, I wouldn't be anywhere else."

4) KINGS OF LEON with BAND OF HORSES on FRIDAY!

5) My garden is absolutely amazing. Pics soon!

much too much

I did too much today. 

I woke up early.
I walked the dog.
I baked muffins.

I baked a chicken.

I repurposed last nights dinner into a new(ish) and exciting(ish) one.

I drove to Arlington and hung out at a craft store so my niece could pick out fabric for her Egyptian tunic for her birthday party this weekend.

I cleaned as I went.

I sort of made the bed.

I somehow twisted my knee and now it's swollen.
Most importantly, I kept my kid alive, so I'm going to have to call this day a win, even though I'm sure I'll be asleep by 8:30.

I decided that the Food Network now instead of countdown timers should have a hungry, sleepy, cranky baby in the room while they cook. If they don't accidentally burn the kitchen down, then and only then will I be impressed.

Somebody call the waaaambulance.

the mother 'hood

I did it. I left my dream job after a year and a half to stay at home with my little chickadee.

It was not. an easy. decision.

But looking back, in some ways it was. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I define myself and over and over I kept getting the same result:

1. Wife

2. Mother

3. Music Therapist

4. - 13478. Everything else

I don't want to get all Earth Mother on you, but seriously, giving birth, especially in the way that it all went down, rocked my world. I thought after I went back to work that I was handling it and then I started reading a book called Creative Interventions with Traumatized Children and could see a lot of symptoms of trauma in myself, which then as a self aware therapist made me go: 

huh. I wonder if I can go through all this and still be a good therapist. 

Not that my therapy was ever struggling. I'm really good at what I do. The music and the kiddos and the families were incredible. Invigorating. It was just that in the in-between times I found myself not really being the kind of Wife or Mother that I wanted to be because I was basically in crisis mode, trying to heal myself and my family and at the same time being a support for traumatized and grieving and hurting patients and families at the same time and on top of all that trying to find time to feed, bathe, clothe not only myself but my kid and then somehow find the brain cells to get dinner on the table, maybe hit a yoga class or run or journal in order for me to have some self care. 

In short: I was kind of off-kilter.

I was off kilter, and I had the incredible support of my husband (who should get an award for Dad of the Year in the diaper washing, dish washing, and keeping-his-wife's-shit-together categories) and my mother, who basically...no...actually lived with us for 6 months. I know what you're thinking. That's a whole other series of posts right there, but not in a bad way.

I was a step behind myself, my kid, and my hubs, and I hated that. On my best days I was still exhausted and raw and on my worst days I cried a lot, feeling guilty for "having it all" and being miserable. And then I remembered a line from Wicked:

That's why I couldn't be happier
No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
(spoken) Well - not "simply":
(sung) 'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of : cost
There's a couple of things get: lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?
Happy is what happens
When your dreams come true!

that's all for now...more about all this later.