fighting toward the new normal

I have learned so much in the last few weeks...I feel like I've grown up a lot, too. 

There have been changes at breakneck speed around here and I finally feel like I am finally catching up. Breathing. 

It's not something I liked at first, something I didn't even want to acknowledge. In fact, I found myself almost dumbfoundedly asking my hubs, "uhhhh...is this what it's always been like to be you?" because I've always ALWAYS been the super spontaneous see-the-world-right-now! of the two of us, while he's way more content hanging out at home, doing home things and being happy as a clam.

I'm learning to enjoy this. To need this. It's kind of hard when your body tells you, "hey so...I know you've got big plans for Saturday but...um...we've got this non-negotiable sleeping for 18 hours on the schedule in Sharpie, and you're just going to have to deal with it."

So this past Friday, I got home from work about 6pm, put on my pajamas, was asleep by 6:30pm. Woke up at 10pm, ate a slice of pizza, watched the finale of Project Runway, then slept until 7:30 Saturday morning. 

And was still. Sleepy.

Sunday though...today...was one of those rare good days. I feel my eyelids getting heavy even as I type this but I count today as a victory because I did some laundry, swept and vacuumed much of the house, of course did copious amounts of napping and resting, and got to actually enjoy the following:

Collard Greens: Boil a couple ham hocks, add onion, garlic, simmer for 30 minutes. Add greens, more salt than you think you're going to, pepper, and 1 can of Rotel. Let cook until you're ready to eat (another 30 minutes)

Kyle did a crazy ground mustard marinade on the ribs and then spent like 6 hours smoking them on the grill and alternating between them and the oven. He was like the Jedi master of ribs today.

Blackberry Cobbler: Kyle found these for 88 cents a package at the store, so of course he got tons.

Candace and I then moved a workbench outside and made some guacamole.

I thought it was a little ambitious, even for me, but ohhhhh it was good.

I was as they say, happy as a bird with a french fry.

And now, it's time to sleep.

Progress?

We've moved from barfing after eating something to barfing when I've not had anything in my stomach in the last five minutes.

I apologize if I haven't painted the rosiest of pictures of the last few weeks...it's been rough on pretty much every single aspect of my life: personally, professionally, sanity, laundry, wifery, cookery. I have to admit that I've been in a huge funk the last few weeks and am just now starting to pull myself (and get helped pulled) out of it. I am having a hard time being excited about all of this, I think because there are so many changes going on at the same time. I write this to be honest and for anyone out there who will ever feel like this: HEY YOU'RE NORMAL. 

I've had a few people speak so wisely and helpfully in my life lately by just letting me be, and having the grace to say not "oh it'll get better..." but "hey, this right here? it SUCKS and I know because I've BEEN THERE."

So yeah. I guess now I can say I've been there. And would like to get past it to the fun part.

little ears and little mouths

It's been really amazing sharing this adventure with my 7 year old niece...I told her on the phone that she was going to have a new cousin and she GAAASPED! and then told me she wanted it to be a girl. She is just bursting with questions and it's been fun to have our little conversations.

As I was feeling like death warmed over a few weekends ago, she and my sister stopped by the house to pick some chard, lettuce, and herbs, and when I was opening the front door, I heard Kat say, "is what Aunt Tina has contagious?"

I smiled and said no but what I REALLY wanted to say was, "Yes. You catch it from boys." But then I thought my sister might deck me.

I'm 8 weeks along as I write this (but not as you read this) and I can't say that I've had any huge epiphanies in the last week. We're trying to decide if we want to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl or wait and have it be a surprise. I'm less inclined to trick out the guest room in gender-specific pink or blue glittery things (because oh, there will be glitter) because we have a small house and the kid's room will still have to be functional as storage/sleeping space. I've found a black crib that I really like, one that grows with the kid, but I was thinking that if we have more than one anywhere close together, that a bed that turns into a full size bed is probably not the best answer for us space-wise.

Like I had any space in my brain to begin with for all this crazy stuff and here I am contemplating baby bedding.

The good news is that this whole thing has prompted my hubs to get moving on some projects we were taking our time with...things like getting the horrid garage situation figured out, and getting the house painted. I'm really pumped about the house colours mostly because it includes a red front door (!!!) and hopefully the fresh coat of paint will liven up our cozy casa just a bit.

sweet, sweet relief

Last Saturday I had to spill the beans to a friend of mine because she also battled really horrendous morning sickness. At first she offered me her prescription anti-nausea meds, but then since she and I are both rule followers, she referred me to her chiropractor and gave me her number so I could talk to her about what to do because I wasn't able to hold down ANYTHING.

Oh, sweet sweet relief! Her name is Autumn and she is quite possibly the best thing that's happened to me (besides the actual finding out I'm pregnant and my husband being absolutely incredible) since this journey began. She suggested I try a couple homeopathic things which I tried immediately and OH MY GOSH THEY WORK! I was actually able to eat for the first time in like, 9 days. I had a slice of pizza with the meds, then I went out with some ladies for Indian food and had a teeny tiny taste of everyone's food, and didn't throw up! I seriously nearly cried.

I ordered a book called Expecting by Marla Taviano, which is a week-by-week update on the baby, on how a mom's body is changing, a Bible verse, quote, and some space for a devotional. In my miserable stupor one night I started flipping through and around week 23 found the verse:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

I would be lying if I told you that it hasn't taken me a few weeks to get used to the idea that there's another person being knit together in there, and I was having a hard time finding any inner peace whatsoever because of the raging awfulness last week brought. When I read that verse above though, my heart immediately stilled and I was able to take a deep breath. Yes, I've been able to lean on others and have them support me, but I had somehow forgotten that God is really the only one who can bring that sweet inner peace, and that His rest is what I should've been seeking all along. That lesson seemingly popped out of nowhere, and I was happy to find it.

my incredible hubs and the unfortunate naming of the fetus.

It was awhile back that we started joking that when we had our very own fetus, we would name it Cletus, because it rhymed. So that's what we do, we call the fetus Cletus. As in Cletus T. Fetus. As in "WOW Cletus really loves the mango!"

Since we are watching The Wire, Kyle has taken to naming the fetus after the show's most bad-a character, Omar. I can't wait 'til it's a girl and I get to tell her about her dad's antics. Other name games have including Kyle's suggestions of "Frodo Isengaard Stock" after which I replied, "I don't know if I'm more embarrassed that you suggested that or that I know what you're talking about."

But seriously, Kyle is absolutely blowing me away. He's read The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, and asked lots of good questions when we met with the midwife, has given me lots of good insurance things to consider, and above all has done this insane job of taking care of me. I haven't exactly been the most un-slug-like of people since the dreaded sickness reared it's nasty head, and he's been absolutely wonderful, making thoughtful dinners like rice and beans to make sure I'm getting enough protein, and doing things like putting crackers on my night stand because he read online that eating before getting out of bed helps with the morning pukes, or suggesting I call my or his mom to get support through all this and then reminding me to not get crabby when they make a suggestion I don't like.

The absolute best thing he did was kind of accidental earlier this week when I was home in the morning with my head in the toilet. I had just gotten off the phone with not my midwife but her stand-in when she's out of town and had to listen to "oh, this being sick is just PART of it and you have to just get THROUGH it and have you tried all this other ginger stuff? (YES I HAVE GINGER COMING OUT OF MY EYES) and oh we can try the meds but really they make you groggy and sleepy...(NOT WORSE THAN HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW)...and oh if you have to take a couple days off, that's just what you'll have to do (DUDE. LADY. I JUST STARTED MY JOB AND AM A THERAPIST!)..." and on and on and on until I just wanted to punch her. Thanks to the lovely raging hormones, I got off the phone and just abso...lutely... LOST it, shaking, crying, full-on pity party. Then I went and threw up (because everything, including stress, makes it worse. much like thinking, blinking my eyes, and standing up does as well) and not 2 minutes later, the phone rang and he was just calling to check on me.

Love, love, LOVE my man.

7 weeks and puketastic.

Okay. Honestly, there's a lot to catch up on and since we decided to tell everyone after my first midwife visit and after we've gotten to tell my HUGE immediate family mostly in person (which is about April 18th) so yes, the post you're currently reading was written a couple weeks ago.

I felt really, REALLY great for a couple weeks...the only really complaint I had was that I wasn't hungry, ever. I became super friendly with the green juice ladies over at Whole Foods...spinach, cucumber, and apple was my jam. Then, when and if I DID eat, I felt like I had had like, 3 Christmas dinners when I would've maybe eaten like a cuppa soup and some crackers.

Then (ugh, my stomach turns over just thinking about it) this past weekend I went to Amarillo for the Music Therapy Regional Conference and like, I don't know if was the hotel funk or their crappy eggs but morning sickness hit me like a sack of barfy bricks. I literally laid in bed most days, and felt SO AWFUL because part of the reason I was there was to be with my sister in law for her bridal shower and all I could do was lay on the couch and moan. It was MISERABLE.

Amazingly, I felt probably about 75% better when I finally got home. I am a ginger ale and lemon/lime soda officionado. I can't eat pasta with red sauce or anything spicy (like, with a lot of cumin in it)...or even...like YESTERDAY I tried to eat a salad for lunch and was all YAY! VEGETABLES because let's be honest I think the last time I ate veggies was last Sunday and really it was just baby carrot after cucumber slice after baby carrot and freaking SIX HOURS LATER when I got home after spending an hour in traffic, puked most of the salad up, mostly intact.

To add insult to injury, I would get a nasty case of acid reflux, and it wasn't until 2 days not being able to think about anything but the burning sensation in my chest that I dragged myself to the cabinet and pounced on what I thought were chewable Tums. No, they were chewable PEPTO, which you're not supposed to take when pregnant. Whoops. At the very least, I'm quite sure I puked up the last two I took yesterday. I've since switched to Tums. I like the flavor better but they don't quite do the magic that the Pepto did.

Maybe I just need to chew better...which is why I dragged my limp, defeated, barfy self over to Whole Foods and managed to get through about 8oz of green juice, then some chicken soup and a glorious mango later.

This is really taking a toll on me mentally. I never feel 100% ok, and it's really, REALLY difficult to be a therapist when all you're thinking about is NOT puking all over your kiddos. Luckily, when I'm in a session I tend to forget about me and get into the musical moment with the kids, and that provides a few minutes of relief, at least. I'm just flat out exhausted mentally and physically.

I'm writing this on a Friday, and I have never been so giddy to see the weekend and just lay in bed and eat soup and toast all weekend and not have to get out of my pajamas until Sunday morning.

How's that verse go? That God's strength is made perfect in my weakness? We'll just keep praying that over and over and over...

happy birthday, Kyle!

It all started with the millions of pregnant women I started seeing all over the hospital. Seriously. Everywhere. I swear I saw like 20 during one day.

Other than that, I just had a feeling that something was...different. I ended up in Employee Health taking a pregnancy test two days before Kyle turned 29. That day was pretty hilarious because I just sort of knew anyway, but decided to check things out for sure. I mean, I woudln't have gone and peed in a cup at the behest of a bunch of older ladies if I wasn't sure SOMETHING was going on. So yeah...I took the test and then 15 AGONIZING minutes later they paged me to come down and talk about the results and were all "CONGRATULATIONS!!! WAIT. Are you excited?"

Excited?! Excited doesn't even beGIN to describe it! I think stunned is a good word too. Like, nothing prepares you for that moment, even if you've got an inkling that SOMEthing is going on. So, that night I bought Kyle a dad's birthday card and jumped up and down and made him open it that night, even through protestations of "BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY YET!"

The grin on his face was absolutely awesome. I don't think we've stopped grinning.

ahh...Springtime...

The allergens are in full swing, the birds are chirping, the blackberries are blooming...

and, the caterpillars have returned:

these little bugaroos are seriously the bane of my existence. Those guys, "skeeter eaters," and people who smack their lips while eating. And people who hoark loogies. Ugh. Skin crawling.

Anyway, I cannot count how many times I have left my garden in the morning all nice and leafy and come home to this horrendous carnage:

I really don't understand why they don't like the stalks. It's seriously beyond me, as well as is the incredible amount of damage these little (when I say little I mean BIG HONKING ALICE IN WONDER LAND CATERPILLARS) creatures are capable of.  Also beyond me: why the above picture makes me think of fashion magazines.

Anyhoo, what to do, what to do. 

In the case of slugs, setting out a pie pan of cheapster beer that's deep enough for a slug to drown in will do the nasty little trick. I once drowned 40 slugs in the span of a couple hours. It was foul.

In the case of caterpillars, I've done a couple things successfully. I've used thuricide which is an organic pesticide which is a bacterial agent that kills things like caterpillars in the larvae stage only. There's all kinds of warnings on it against humans ingesting the stuff in concentrated quantities, which is enough to make me leery of putting it on stuff that I'm going to eat. But that's just the paranoia talking.

You could also try zipping some of the following in your favorite food processor: garlic, water, onion, cayenne pepper, and 1 Tbs dish soap. Put it all in a spray bottle and go to town. I can't think of anything that wouldn't be repelled by that.

For other pests, one could also try ladybugs, but I can't speak to their awesomeness because I haven't yet tried them. It's all drowning slugs and spicy soapy spray for now.

praying for Amy Beth

Hey so, I had the privilege of being introduced to Amy Beth's blog via my friend Kelli. We don't know each other in person, but have shared a few Emails regarding cooking pointers/disasters. I started reading her blog because it seems as though AB and I share the same neuroses regarding who we are and who we want to be, except her outlook on life and the crazy things that happen to her are far more hilarious, and her hair is far more incredible.

She's going through some hard stuff right now so if you could, check out her website, read, and laugh, and above all, pray.

Thanks y'all.

Happy April!

I know the whistling puppy is not going to make up for a severe lack of posts, so this is my attempt at a catch up. I went to the annual conference of the Southwestern Region of the American Music Therapy Association in glorious Amarillo (Spamarillo....Glamarillo...what have you) over the weekend. Actually, it being in Amarillo was kind of nice because I have family-in-law there and it was fantastic to see everyone. Unfortunately I got a WICKED stomach bug over the weekend (I blame the slightly stinky hotel and their less than awesome eggs) which made me only go to a couple sessions.

This week has me completely off my game as a result...I'm still recovering from being out from Wednesday to Sunday of last week. In fact, I WAS going to go to Austin this weekend to do a 5k, but am really more than looking forward to a weekend at home. Maybe do some Deep Ellum Arts Festival and some catch up work around the house.

In other news, my garden has COMPLETELY exploded.

It's amazing what happens when you plant things in season...