thank goodness for the new year...

Save for the glittering hope of Jesus on Christmas, the home stretch of December is usually a dark one, and this year so far hasn't failed me in that respect. I have always loved New Year's Eve celebrations, ever since I was a little kid, and even more so when a NYE kiss brought me and Kyle back together. I think it mostly has to do with the fact that my birthday is exactly two weeks from January 1st and I looooove birthdays, especially mine, and also because I love the idea that you can start over, that one can spend those dark, cold days reflecting on a year of blessings, mistakes, laughter, tears, and figure out what can be improved upon.

I am sad when I encounter people who indignantly say, "I made a resolution to never make any more resolutions and it's the only one I've kept!" because I see hope in the new year, in the renewing of promises to yourself, ones that just maybe, this year, will be the year. I love making resolutions and try to do short-term ones throughout the year so as to not get bogged down by unrealistic ones. Last year my resolution was to do a triathlon and to my astonishment actually finished, wasn't the last person across the line, and contracted the "tri-bug" that people talk about and want to do another next year, maybe two. Turning 25 this past year also had a significant impact on me, and I resolved to become more independent. While I think I have come a long way, I know I still have a long way to go, and it's all about the baby steps.

I read somewhere recently that it is far more difficult to not achieve your goals than it is to go out and do them. So if you're scrooging on the resolutions thing, I would encourage you to sit down and be realistic with yourself and find a goal to strive towards. The important thing to do I think is to come up with ideas of things that could get in your way and then problem solve how to get around them so that when the first one comes up you don't give up altogether. There were several times that I skipped workouts but the fact that I had told lots of friends and family that I was doing a triathlon sobered me up and kept me going because I didn't want to be that girl, the one who said a lot but never actually did anything.

And hey, maybe if you come up with something and you have a blog, you could post your goal and we could all support each other in our endeavors. I still have to narrow mine down, so I'll be posting January 1st. Anyone with me?

Silent Night

I can never, ever get through Silent Night without crying. 

Never.

Not since the Lonliest Christmas Ever - my boyfriend and I had broken up finally, my dad and I weren't speaking, and my mom and I were alone at a candlelight Christmas service in San Antonio. Actually, we were at Max Lucado's church, and wow can that man tell a story (but you already knew that). I have always loved candlelight services for a couple different reasons. Mostly, I love candles. I have a swirly candle holder thing that K and I got for our wedding that is tedious as crap to light but when people are coming over in the evening I light 'em up (and every other candle in the house) because I love candles.  In the church services, I love the way that the light spreads through the congregation as people light each other's candles, how it reminds me of the need for community in faith because my little light is okay by itself but check out what it can do when all these other people also have light.

Anyway, I don't remember how we ended up at Oak Hills Church, but when it came to the part where we sing Silent Night and everyone holds up there candles, I remember thinking, "God, I'm trying really hard to be grateful but how can I when this is all that is left of my family?" And I heard Him very quietly say, "Look around.  This is your family," and instead of staring sorrowfully at my solo candle, I looked around at the multitude of lights, the illuminated faces of the Church and was immediately overwhelmed by love, which of course brought the Ugly Cry on full force.

So, whenever we sing that song, tears come to my eyes because it reminds me of how far my family HAS come, and quite literally puts me on my knees in gratitude for Kyle, for my crazy family, for my friends who have always been like family. 

Little Village

This is too much cuteness not to post: Make Your Own Village

Stand By Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T6fT1acr0u0

Chess.

The holidays for my family is always like playing this big complicated board game that Kyle would easily win and I would hate.  I like games like Scrabble, where the fun is in the playing, not in destroying your opponent. 

This holiday we were going to go to Mexico because of a misunderstanding between my mother and I (I apparently led folks to believe that I wanted to have Christmas love-in with my dad/stepmother and my mom *I know, wtf* when instead I was hypothesizing that the two parties would have to figure something out when Kyle and I decide to have kids and stay put for a holiday) and a drunk "Hey let's go to Mexico!" on a Jason Mraz tour bus. Unfortunately, last minute trips are kind of expensive, but not too expensive that we couldn't do it, so we made some sacrifices, pushed back some things we wanted to get for the house, and decided to go for it. Except, when traveling on the holidays, hotels like for you to stay for at least 5 nights.  Well, we were going for 4. BUT my cousin would be going for a week so maybe we could get a suite.  Maybe we could all stay together. That wasn't going to work either. It wasn't for lack of trying, but we just couldn't all find something we could agree on. 

SO. For the holidays. K and I will be in the NB/SA area, probably taking my grandmother out for dinner because she doesn't want us to have to cook. Fine with me. We'll also be hanging out with my dad and stepmom, and probably renting a U-Haul of sorts to get a piano, cedar chest with our china and other goodies from around San Antonio (my sister's dad is moving and left us with some sweet art-deco-ey chairs.  I haven't seen 'em yet but he's an architect and has fantastic taste so it's not like I'm going to say no) for our house.

All this has made me think about what are the traditions from my childhood that I hold very dearly to that I will defend for my whole life? Well, I know some people don't like it but my abuela's mac and cheese is unmatched by anyone in the universe, so having that is ideal, but I don't know that I'm going to get it this year unless I make it. Then there's the opening of one present if we happen to make it to midnight on Christmas Eve (tequila shot optional). The one thing that I feel very, VERY strongly about is that I will find some tamales and coffee so we can have them on Christmas morning. No matter what we had going on that year, I would wake up to presents from Santa under the tree as the smell of tamales baking and fresh coffee brewing mingled with Christmas magic and lights. I didn't yet have the taste for coffee, but I distinctly remember all the adults watching me open presents, eating tamales, then everyone crowding around and opening presents together.

There are other visions and smells from the holidays that I will never get back - my grandfathers sitting on the couch watching football, my mom and dad cooking together, making bread in the big white breadmaker, my dad's huge hands spreading mayo on the turkey as I peered over the counter from my tiptoes, everyone sitting around the big table in the dining room. Garrison Keillor during a Prairie Home Companion last year talked about how no matter how rebellious the kids are, the holiday traditions are what keep them grounded because by golly if the green beans aren't done with the same amount of crunch they have always had, these kids with the dark eyeliner, black hair and angsty aura will birth a chicken.

I think I am still in the process of mourning those and the loss of those, and I think which is why I hang on so crazily to the tamales and coffee.  In fact, when my mom came to St. Louis a couple years back she brought a ton of tamales and we had them every morning leading up to and on Christmas day. It is so awesome to wake up in the morning to a cozy house in the early morning hours to the smell of tamales and coffee.  Thankfully, when my sister started hosting Christmases at her house, she brought the tradition back at a time when I could participate as an adult, so it's also one of those rite of passages thing, like when we were playing Santa for Katrina and taking the bites out of the cookies...it was surreal to be on the other side of the magic. 

I forgot to add this earlier but, it would probably also explain why I would jump up and down, giggle, and clap at odd intervals while Kyle was putting lights up on the house, why I didn't mind wrestling with the prickly bushes to get the multicolored net lights on them, why I didn't complain about putting up all the ornaments on the tree (Kyle was smart and did the lights for me...doesn't matter how nostalgic I am, I still hate that dang part). He would look at me like I was a crazy person and I would yell, "SHUT UP!  THIS IS PROGRESS!"  Progress in the same way that I was a complete Scrooge and all anxious about spending our first Christmas in St. Louis...something that started melting when all the aunts came outside and sang us "We Wish You A Merry Christmas" when we pulled into the drive.

What holiday stuff is important to you?  Do you think about the holidays differently now that you're an adult?

Florecitos Bonitos

Oh, I get it!  Florets! Maybe this explains why broccoli is considered a superfood!  This stuff is alive!  I know I should harvest it but I'm really tempted to let this one go and harvest the one next to it.

Goodbye

To quote Madonna: "There is only so much you can learn in one place." 

What I got at my internship site was far more than I bargained for.  At my goodbye lunch, I was asked what my most memorable moment on the units were.  I was overwhelmed - I'm no good at on-the-spot answers - so I said that my experience felt like someone had opened my head, barfed in my brain, and shook it all around. At my last session, though, I had a really touching moment. We took the karaoke machine over with the girls and everyone sang a song. The last song we did was "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.  It's a well-known song but here are the lyrics:

Hey, don't write yourself off yet

It's only in your head you feel left out or looked own

Just try your best, try everything you can

And don't you worry what they tell themselves when you're away.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride,

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

Hey, you know they're all the same,

You know you're doing better on your own, so don't buy in.

Live right now, yeah, just be yourself,

It doesn't matter if it's good enough for someone else.

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride,

Everything (everything) will be just fine, everything (everything) will be alright (alright).

---------------

It's totally my power song - I sing it when I'm riding my bike, running, or in the car in tears when I've had a really hard day. I was jumping around with the girls, singing the song and the words really sank in, and of course I started tearing up.  The unit staff had brought me cupcakes, so when the singing was through we enjoyed those, talked about everyone's plans for the holidays, what I'd be doing now that I was done with internship.  When the girls were walking away toward their unit, they started singing the chorus again...and that's when the tears flowed. I tried my best not to ugly cry, but didn't do much of a good job.

I can feel that there are a lot of things about me that are different since starting that adventure six months ago.  I am far more independent - actually, I've been trying to figure out if and how to protect my "me" time during the weekend...It's 8:05 on Monday morning and I'm realizing I'm going to get a LOT of "me" time during the week.  a LOT. Clinically, I know that I am far more patient and that I have a ton more confidence in group leading.  I know how to take care of myself mentally, know when I've poured too much of myself out to be good for my patients.  I'm more professional, and I have developed strong personal and professional boundaries.  

But I have to say, I am really going to miss my coworkers - they are some of the most talented therapists I know.

So, now the big question that I've heard a million times over the last few weeks: "What's next for you?"  Well, there's not a simple answer to that question.  I need to finish my thesis (and that can be broken down into about a hundred million steps in itself), study, take a practice certification exam,  study some more, take my certification exam (hopefully only once), graduate, look for a job.  My goal for today is actually to sit down and map out a timeline for all that that I will stick to.  And that's just the professional stuff. In the mean time, I have Christmas presents to make, a guest bathroom to finish, baby gifts to work on for friends, a garden that calls to me every day, a wreck for an office that is (after this weekend) THANKFULLY on its way to being somewhat organized, and family and friends to see.  

Balance.  That's why I'm spending time with Jesus this morning and doing yoga later.  I need some inner balance, perspective.

So farewell, Austin - it's been real. Don't be offended when I say I was ready to leave you and go back to Dallas, 'cos let's face it, Dallas doesn't have any idea how to be as cool as you.  You are in a lot of ways home to me because my friends are still there with you, and family is a short way away and you know that a part of my heart is still there on the Lady Bird trail, on First Thursdays at HomeSlice, the local farm operated restaurants, the farmer's market, and biking on Shoal Creek.  I think this time I've spent with you has been a good growing experience for me, different than the time before when I was all wild and in college and couldn't appreciate you Austin for the city-beyond-the-university that you are.  It's time to take all you've taught me and influence the heart and mind of Dallas.  See you soon, Austin.  Love you.

Many thanks to Mom, Dad, Karen, Matt, Natalie, Carlos, Morrises, Robert, The Great Kate, Ev, Collin, Clay, Drew, Russ, Justin, Ed, Ian, Sarah, McGuires, Jettes, for consistently being there for me and being an incredible, unfailing support system for me. Props out to my bloggy friends as well for cheering me on from afar :)

Feliz Navidad

You have no idea what a trip to Mexico in 3 weeks does to my workout motivation.

The short version of the story is...

I think we're going to Mexico for Christmas. Not a long vacation, just 4 days. The longer version of the story is not particularly fun, but there are worse things than spending a holiday sipping margaritas on the beach...