Oh well - I blogged twice yesterday and this is probably going to be short anyway. I had a really crazy day today. It was LBJ Day *snicker* so at work we had half staff there doing fun stuff with the patients. I made some killer parfaits (Stoneyfield farms I heart your vanilla goodness) and then had some lunch (totally self-medicated via veggie burger, but that's a whole other blog post) then went to play with the kiddos where I told one that we'd be doing music therapy just me and him and he said, "OH MY GOD. CAN I HUG YOU? I'M GOING TO HYPERVENTILATE...CAN I HUG YOU?" It was cute, and yes it was the kid that yelled at me last week. Say some prayers, I'm going to need 'em.
Then I went BACK to specialty and then came BACK to play Catch Phrase with the older girls. Fabulous. Then I came home and passed out really hard until about 6:30pm, when I went to pick up Kate and work on the crossword, then go to yoga, then hang out with the fabulous Kelly Cline at the Speakeasy for some dancing (and free drinks from cute boys!)
I've been in an incredibly sad funk this week - part of it stems from reading the kids' charts, then the other day when one said they wanted me to adopt them and I've just really been (in a needy-girl kind of way) missing the heck out of Kyle. Being away from the one you love dearly is not at all a walk in the park, and I knew that going into this. It just hurts. And is halfway over.
8.26.2008
Being in Austin when school starts back up...
...really really screws with the traffic. It also made me think of my first day of college and then I read a post that inspired what follows:
Dear Christina of 7 years ago,
Welcome to your first day of college! I know the room you're staying in is ridiculously tiny, but you'll so make it work :) and I know you don't appreciate it yet, but being so close to West Campus and Kinsolving Late Nite will make for some super fun nights with your roommate. You don't know it yet, but you'll realize at the end of this year that it's not going to work out with this roommate but you'll still live with her next year anyway and then you'll live with someone who right now you think you'd never live with 'cos she's so dorky but guess what! she's going to be your best friend and bridesmaid in 5 years.
That's right, I said it, you're getting married! But, not to your boyfriend of the past 3 years. When it comes time to let him go (and let's face it, you already know that now is the time), it's going to really totally suck, but let him go gracefully. And, have at least one real big fight with him and get out all that stuff you want to tell him because you'll just hold it in and then one day seven years from now when you see a picture of him kissing his brand new baby boy all that stuff will become insignificant but you'll sort of still wish you'd have said it.
Anyway, I know that you're so not the girl that wants to get married right out of college but this guy you've already met (doesn't that just drive you nuts?!) is totally the man you've been praying for. You won't realize it at first, and you're going to screw up pretty huge, but this man will ultimately save your life and show you what real, unconditional love is supposed to be like. Also, you get some really amazing in-laws as part of the deal :)
You've fought so hard for your place at the UT School of Music and I just want to let you know how proud of you I am! For the love of all things good and holy, DO YOUR THEORY HOMEWORK AND STUDY FOR MUSIC HISTORY and just to make life a little easier, practice your clarinet at least an hour every day. That way, when you decide that you want to get your master's degree in music therapy, you'll be even more amazing than you already are and you'll be able to mean it when you tell that flute professor off. Don't get wrapped up in all the egos and the competition, just put your head down and do what you've been given ridiculous amounts of talent to do: play and use that fantastically smart brain of yours.
Next year is going to be really hard and confusing for you and I've got three words for you, "Just say no." Learn how to be just friends, it'll so be worth it in the end. Call your best friend Haley more often, really get into SAI and don't be afraid to let those girls into your world. Oh, and minor in psychology. Either that or don't wait 'til the last minute to do that MIS project for that business degree you won't need because of your fabulous husband. Also, know when to cut and run from a toxic friendship. It'll save you some big heartbreak. Make those Dr. Hanna fan club shirts you're gonna want to make. Don't waste your time on drama or people who are nasty to you for no reason. Keep going to that little Spanish church God leads you to. Go visit your grandpa in Florida and at the very least, in 2006 when you get that feeling you should go down to Florida and skip out on work, I'm begging you to go. GO.
I know you're hurt and angry and searching and hopeful and girl let me tell you - all those things you've been hurting over: family, love, loss, friendships - you're going to make it and you will be a strong, beautiful woman because of it. One last thing: don't be so uptight - really live in and enjoy the moment and for goodness sakes STUDY! Mostly, the good news is that you'll get there (here?) so remember that through the bumps and valleys that I'm totally rooting for you, and again, you're going to make it.
Love,
You.
Dear Christina of 7 years ago,
Welcome to your first day of college! I know the room you're staying in is ridiculously tiny, but you'll so make it work :) and I know you don't appreciate it yet, but being so close to West Campus and Kinsolving Late Nite will make for some super fun nights with your roommate. You don't know it yet, but you'll realize at the end of this year that it's not going to work out with this roommate but you'll still live with her next year anyway and then you'll live with someone who right now you think you'd never live with 'cos she's so dorky but guess what! she's going to be your best friend and bridesmaid in 5 years.
That's right, I said it, you're getting married! But, not to your boyfriend of the past 3 years. When it comes time to let him go (and let's face it, you already know that now is the time), it's going to really totally suck, but let him go gracefully. And, have at least one real big fight with him and get out all that stuff you want to tell him because you'll just hold it in and then one day seven years from now when you see a picture of him kissing his brand new baby boy all that stuff will become insignificant but you'll sort of still wish you'd have said it.
Anyway, I know that you're so not the girl that wants to get married right out of college but this guy you've already met (doesn't that just drive you nuts?!) is totally the man you've been praying for. You won't realize it at first, and you're going to screw up pretty huge, but this man will ultimately save your life and show you what real, unconditional love is supposed to be like. Also, you get some really amazing in-laws as part of the deal :)
You've fought so hard for your place at the UT School of Music and I just want to let you know how proud of you I am! For the love of all things good and holy, DO YOUR THEORY HOMEWORK AND STUDY FOR MUSIC HISTORY and just to make life a little easier, practice your clarinet at least an hour every day. That way, when you decide that you want to get your master's degree in music therapy, you'll be even more amazing than you already are and you'll be able to mean it when you tell that flute professor off. Don't get wrapped up in all the egos and the competition, just put your head down and do what you've been given ridiculous amounts of talent to do: play and use that fantastically smart brain of yours.
Next year is going to be really hard and confusing for you and I've got three words for you, "Just say no." Learn how to be just friends, it'll so be worth it in the end. Call your best friend Haley more often, really get into SAI and don't be afraid to let those girls into your world. Oh, and minor in psychology. Either that or don't wait 'til the last minute to do that MIS project for that business degree you won't need because of your fabulous husband. Also, know when to cut and run from a toxic friendship. It'll save you some big heartbreak. Make those Dr. Hanna fan club shirts you're gonna want to make. Don't waste your time on drama or people who are nasty to you for no reason. Keep going to that little Spanish church God leads you to. Go visit your grandpa in Florida and at the very least, in 2006 when you get that feeling you should go down to Florida and skip out on work, I'm begging you to go. GO.
I know you're hurt and angry and searching and hopeful and girl let me tell you - all those things you've been hurting over: family, love, loss, friendships - you're going to make it and you will be a strong, beautiful woman because of it. One last thing: don't be so uptight - really live in and enjoy the moment and for goodness sakes STUDY! Mostly, the good news is that you'll get there (here?) so remember that through the bumps and valleys that I'm totally rooting for you, and again, you're going to make it.
Love,
You.
ups and downs
Down: Principal in charge of my thesis scores didn't tell me when she Emailed me this summer that she's not WORKING THERE ANY MORE. Need to go up on Thursday night/Friday morning to get all that junk straightened out with new principal.
Up: Friday off! FOUR DAY WEEKEND WITH MY HUBS!
Down: Kid says to me in group today about some scribbles done on paper, "These are adoption papers so you can adopt me."
Up: Kick ass blues-writing group on Monday.
Down: Someone quite close to me may have cancer.
Up: Got music therapy 1 on 1 with a kid who totally TOTALLY needs it. That starts Thursday.
Down: Fell asleep at 7:30 last night, slept through roomies coming home from tour.
Up: Freaking got like 11 hours of sleep last night.
Up: Friday off! FOUR DAY WEEKEND WITH MY HUBS!
Down: Kid says to me in group today about some scribbles done on paper, "These are adoption papers so you can adopt me."
Up: Kick ass blues-writing group on Monday.
Down: Someone quite close to me may have cancer.
Up: Got music therapy 1 on 1 with a kid who totally TOTALLY needs it. That starts Thursday.
Down: Fell asleep at 7:30 last night, slept through roomies coming home from tour.
Up: Freaking got like 11 hours of sleep last night.
8.22.2008
Mad World
I think it's ironic that someone who grew up as sheltered as I did now works in a State Hospital. And loves it. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not shocked any more...as a matter of fact last Friday I read a story in one of my patient's files that was so horrible that I had to lay down on the ground to keep from throwing up.
Friday I also got screamed at by a kid in my 9 am session - that was a first. He was mad because we were playing a game and he was out and the string of forceful expletives that rolled angrily out of his mouth was amazing. What else was kind of amazing was that it didn't rattle me as much as I thought it would. I just said, "Sorry dude, those are the rules, I didn't make them up." He pouted for awhile, then rejoined the game. Anyway, I work a lot with the young kids at the hospital and also with the adolescent girls. I was looking up chords on chordie.com and learned Gary Jules' "Mad World" and it sums up a lot of what I deal with every day. So here you go:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Friday I also got screamed at by a kid in my 9 am session - that was a first. He was mad because we were playing a game and he was out and the string of forceful expletives that rolled angrily out of his mouth was amazing. What else was kind of amazing was that it didn't rattle me as much as I thought it would. I just said, "Sorry dude, those are the rules, I didn't make them up." He pouted for awhile, then rejoined the game. Anyway, I work a lot with the young kids at the hospital and also with the adolescent girls. I was looking up chords on chordie.com and learned Gary Jules' "Mad World" and it sums up a lot of what I deal with every day. So here you go:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
8.21.2008
I can't believe I'm saying this...
especially because in HS I was not very good at being friends with girls but...dude, my Austin girls have been my rock lately. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't hang out with the McGuires 8 out of my first 9 days in Austin. I don't know what I would do without Ev & Kate letting me crash at their place either because I was freaked out by Batman or because I had no hot water and Ev, the weekly lunch dates keep me going, especially on Mondays. You girls are the bomb dot com and I can just hope to be half the kind of good friend that you ladies are to me, I don't know if I could make it down here doing this internship without you.
Actually I know I couldn't. I owe 98% of my sanity to you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And wine glass. ;oP
Actually I know I couldn't. I owe 98% of my sanity to you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And wine glass. ;oP
oops.
Suze totally burned me yesterday with the question, "What about posting once a day?" Dang. Maybe I'll try again in September. September means month 4 of my 6 month internship. I can't believe I'm almost done. That's crazy. CRAZY. I took a day off today 'cos I woke up with a headache, fire in my throat, and ungodly amounts of multicolored mucus coming out of my nose.
Yummy, I know.
Yummy, I know.
8.15.2008
my own worst enemy :)
ha - I just realized that that title means several different things right now! The universe has really been kicking my butt this week. I stubbed my right toe so that part of my nail came off a couple days ago, then slammed my left ring and middle fingers in the front door yesterday and then that night stubbed my right to agAIN so now there's even more taken off my toenail and ALL that has been backdropped by the fact that when I got home from camp on Monday, not only was there a dead rat on the glue trap in the pantry (thank goodness my mom found it else I would have barfed...then freaked out...then barfed again) BUT THERE WAS NO HOT WATER. After showers at friends houses and many invigoratingly chilly morning showers at home, I finally got around to trying to cook on our gas stove. Hm. No gas. Carlos's manager SWORE that the gas bill had been paid, but after some phone calls it was discovered that said bill was actually paid LATE and therefore I won't have hot water 'til FREAKING TUESDAY.
Ask me again why I have to pay rent? I mean, really.
The other meaning to the title is that I had a couple good music therapy sessions this week and a couple craptacular ones and today I figured out the problem: me.
I mean, I know that's the obvious answer, and it's not that I'm a crap therapist, because I know at the very least I am empathetic as all get out which is essential - it's that I overanalyze every. little. exchange. and want SO BADLY to be really really good at this that it's almost crippling. I'm learning to let things go and maybe it's just an age thing but identifying that Evil Inner Critic has become essential to my development as a therapist. I have a book called The Artist's Way that deals with exactly that, and I've been humming and hawing over doing it...I'll start, then quit due to time constraints, then start again to no avail...it's a little like trying to give up bread. Or...Dr. Pepper. Maybe that's the reason I've been reluctant to write about my internship on here (yeah, it's been nearly 3 whole months and I've not breathed a substantial word about the amazing experience I'm having down here) so, that will change too.
Ask me again why I have to pay rent? I mean, really.
The other meaning to the title is that I had a couple good music therapy sessions this week and a couple craptacular ones and today I figured out the problem: me.
I mean, I know that's the obvious answer, and it's not that I'm a crap therapist, because I know at the very least I am empathetic as all get out which is essential - it's that I overanalyze every. little. exchange. and want SO BADLY to be really really good at this that it's almost crippling. I'm learning to let things go and maybe it's just an age thing but identifying that Evil Inner Critic has become essential to my development as a therapist. I have a book called The Artist's Way that deals with exactly that, and I've been humming and hawing over doing it...I'll start, then quit due to time constraints, then start again to no avail...it's a little like trying to give up bread. Or...Dr. Pepper. Maybe that's the reason I've been reluctant to write about my internship on here (yeah, it's been nearly 3 whole months and I've not breathed a substantial word about the amazing experience I'm having down here) so, that will change too.
8.09.2008
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