Maybe I'm just weird, maybe it's because I've got a lot going on, but I used to get a little frustrated when people are all "OMG ARE YOU SO EXCITED TO BE PREGNANT?!" I felt guilty for so long because my honest answer was a big fat NO. Mostly because I felt gross at the time, had no clue what I was doing, and was scared out of my wits. I also had all these things I wanted to do before I got pregnant.
The biggest one being this: I assumed that I would have a job for a while and then quit it because I didn't want to put my kids in daycare and have someone else raise my children. Well, we all know how that worked out. I honestly never thought I'd get the job of my dreams at 27. I thought it was going to happen in like, 10 years. I'm still reconciling the thought of childcare (which is why I'm just now starting to look into it) and being okay with not feeling bad about how hard I've worked and the blessings that have been tossed my way that got me where I am.
I've had complete crying freak-outs over the silliest things...like the time it was too hot out and I couldn't go to a concert with my friends because I nearly got heat stroke from walking around the block that morning. I literally sobbed on the couch in Kyle's arms and wailed, "I just want my life back! I want to know how to feel better!" Or my personal favorite "What am I supposed to do when the baby cries? What if it's hungry AND poopy? Do we change the diaper first then feed it or the other way around?" (note: I have since had it on good authority that nobody, no matter what age they are, likes to eat while sitting in their own stuff.)
And then I think, "what is WRONG WITH ME?" I know of several people who are probably reading this and wanting to punch me in the face because they want to be pregnant, or have a hard time getting there and think that this all sounds really selfish and ungrateful of me. For that I apologize. I really do think that my hormones are a little off and my serotonin (ie: my happy brain juice) is whacked out.
I do have to say though, that I get excited in bursts. There was the time when I was dyeing the onesies for my friend, and then I did some music therapy with a teeny tiny baby that involved singing and rocking and infant massage and my brain flashed forward to 5 months from now and I got all verklempt.
Hands down the most embarrassing thing that's happened is after work last week Kesha's "Your Love Is My Drug" came on the radio and y'all. I was IN. TEARS.
Here are some pertinent snippets:
My friends think I've gone crazy
My judgement's gone a little hazy
I don't care what people say
The rush is worth the price I pay
What you've got is hard to find
I think about (you) all the time
I'm all strung out my heart is fried
I just can't get you off my mind
(I think you know the chorus)
Jeez - I'm getting weepy just thinking about it. Am I lame or WHAT?
4 comments:
I love your honesty, thanks for sharing so openly with all of us. I can't imagine what pregnancy must be like--perhaps fear is part of the reason I am 35 and still haven't taken that plunge! And I will never listen to that Kesha song the same way again...
love you.
it is scary, but it is more wonderful.
the cloud will lift.
then maybe return.
but it always disappears.
honesty is the best kick in the butt for anxiety. Keep it coming! Otherwise, you'd go nuts. You're completely normal, beautiful, and gonna be a great Mom. And plus, I'll be here SOON to help lift those blues away with some ridiculously deep and too honest conversations over...errrr...ONE glass of wine ;-)
Love you!
I do not know a single woman who has enjoyed every moment of her pregnancy. I'd think you were weird if you were floating around and being like,"Barfing is so cool and beautiful because I'm growing a person in my belly!" There are women who actually think their babies make cute little poops. There is NOTHING cute about poop, no matter what size creature it came from.
I'm crazy about the kids, and love having them and thank God for putting them in my life, but I have to remind myself to be grateful sometimes when I miss out on stuff (including sleep and sometimes hot meals) because of them. I'm sure pregnancy works the same way.
You're great and honest and your heart is in the right place and I love that about you.
As for daycare, it might be a little too far for you, but look into Kids R Kids of West Allen. My brother's kids both go to a KRK down here and it's been fantastic, and I'm good friends with the director of that particular location. She's on maternity leave herself for a few more weeks, but I can put you in touch with her if you want to ask her any questions about childcare.
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