I've had an interesting week - one of my closest friends had a baby (eeee!) and it's made me look at my own stuff related to my birth, so thankfully I had this blog to look back on and revisit what I wrote about it, and the meager posts that followed. Reading those old entries reminded me of why I keep a blog in the first place - to just work out the stuff in my head, no filters, no judgements.
I know I wanted to move over to another blog and I tried, but it just never felt right. I also haven't been writing a lot on here 1) because of time and 2) because I was just really, really in a weird spot mentally and 3) I felt really really uncomfortable writing about motherhood. It wasn't until miss A was about a year old that I really started feeling like I had half a clue about what I was doing. I look back on the PPD and what I wrote and regret not writing more - documenting the bad and the ugly but also the good and the sweet and the revelatory awesomeness. I think I quit writing because I felt like I needed to have something positive to write about and just couldn't, and then when I wanted to write I was too exhausted to try and put it all down in a way that was filtered or unsmug or whatever.
Well, enough of that. I've always been a fan of resolutions and all that, but I think things have gotten a little out of hand for me the last couple years. In some ways I think I was trying to fix or change things because for whatever reason I couldn't see that they were fine and beautiful just the way the were. Even in the darkest parts, even when I felt super embarrassed about no longer working and afraid that I had no idea if I was even truly cut out to be a mom, there was light, and I wish I would've written more about that.
Just the other day I was on the other blog trying to do some crazy 52 weeks of changing things, not being happy with that, and then trying to come up with 52 things to resolve to do this year. What? That's kind of crazy. I have been TERRIBLE at getting out of January with my resolutions, so this year I'm going to just toss all that and resolve just to be authentic, and to be happy.
I am, after all, turning 30 this year.
2 comments:
I like this post :-) Peace, happiness, and contentment!
Girl you are the inspiration - your no BS policy on fb and your blog are at once disarming and refreshing and I. am. tired. Tired of trying to make things any more or less than what they really are. Does this happen to everyone when they get close to a big birthday?
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