Operation QFA.

Yes, friends. Operation Quit F*ing Around.

I went to Houston this past weekend for *yet* another wedding and had a fantastic time just relaxing and doing net to nothing all day Saturday with the hubs and good friends. PLUS I met sweet baby Caroline...we did some hanging out, smiling together, and I taught her how to stick her feet in her mouth. Quite a productive Saturday :)

Caroline's momma is one of those girlfriends you always wish you had, especially when the girls you've previously known have been not very good at being friends. She's always had a knack for keeping me honest...I think the first thing she told me when I met her was she threatened my life if I ever broke Kyle's heart (they've been friends since high school). We got to talking about how uber organized she's gotten since having the baby and I had a good two hours to chew on one statement: "I was always really organized at work so I realized that I was capable of it, I was just lazy in my personal life." It quite literally struck me how true that is for me, how I've gotten amazing at making excuses. I'm great at excuses. Late for work? Traffic. Always, whether it was because I woke up at 7:30 or didn't get to bed until 1am the night before. Don't want to workout? It's hot/humid/my knee hurts/I nearly barfed last time. Woke up late? Not 'I decided 30 more minutes was critical to my survival and the survival of the human race' but my alarm didn't go off. Seriously. If you've got a situation, I've got an excuse. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest.

I have been frustrated lately because I do a lot of talking and not a lot of walking in a few areas of my life. I need to get my spiritual life back on track...it's been a zillion years since I've been to church and there is a aching, Jesus-sized hole in my heart right now. I could post on this for hours and hours, about how figuring out my own religion/etc. has been really interesting, especially since going to Spain, how different Kyle's and my upbringing was really different and how finding a church that satisfies the hippie in me and the conservative in him has been quite a trip. It all really boils down to me knowing and realizing that I have no doubt in my mind that I love God and Jesus and I always will, but listening to other people/books/opinions on how I should live my life just aren't really doing it for me. The problem is that the tools I used in high school and college aren't doing it for me either. So now what? I don't know.

Work-wise, I could be really digging in a whole lot more. I could be researching more, being more organized with planning my sessions, practicing more, reading up on psychiatric music therapy, and so on. I think part of this is realizing that this is my life's passion and I could be really, really, REALLY good at what I do, and it kind of freaks my crap out. Like, I want to be the brainy girl, but so many people throughout my life have doubted me, and that stuff stings. It's this crazy cycle of believing in myself, being confident in my instincts and being okay with making mistakes and then being wrought with doubt over every interaction, activity and written word...to the point that it nearly paralyzes me. And then it cycles back. Weird.

Also, I'm a disorganized piece of work, but just in my personal life, which is all kinds of frustrating. When I was younger my family shamed my "tail" - the trail of destruction I would leave through the house as I wandered through it during the day. These days I'm more organized, but I'll still lose things like my keys, my wallet, some important document so I can graduate. My friend Haley once asked, "Is it frustrating, being you?" The answer (as I'm sure I've written before in this blog) is YES. GOD YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

You might be wanting to shake me because I've got this misperception of myself, but trust me, I don't. My first inclination is to download yet another episode of gossip girl and watch it 'til I get sleepy, but I know I've got laundry to do, reading to take care of, and a journal to start.

In college I hit a rebellious patch where I would make excuses for my behavior based on the crazyness of my life. Kelli said a phrase yesterday that echoed what I said when I got tired many years ago of hurting myself and those around me: "I don't have to be that girl." I came home and nearly panicked because there are some deadlines I have ignored, important documents I have to find or else I cannot continue working on my thesis, and by golly, I freaking need some more work clothes, but have been too scared/lazy to face any of it and in the mean time have been running around having a fantastic social life in Austin but have been kind of ignoring the nagging feeling that something's off, that as grownup and awesome as I think I am, there's still a lot of work to be done. I guess this is what I get for praying for humility. Sigh. So, I made a list and I started crossing things off that list. I even went to Kohl's and bought some new black capris because my old ones are literally coming apart at the seams.

I figure that I can only go forward.