It's finally happened - I've become That Girl Who Works With Dying Kids. I went to dinner with high school friends the other night, several of whom are studying to become doctors and they were talking about maybe losing patients every once in awhile and how hard it would be and when they turned and looked at me I saw different versions of it on everyone's face. Not pity so much but that scrunched up nose how-can-you-do-what-you-do-I-could-never-do-that-I-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat type face.
I'm not even going to lie, I'm pretty much a grief junkie. I got involved with a grief camp almost five (FIVE?!) years ago, a camp for kids who have experienced the death of a loved one. Every time I tell people that it's awesome and fun, they look at me like I'm crazy. Then a couple years ago I started volunteering for another grief organization, which focuses on the families who have experienced the death of a child. The biggest difference is that the first is a week-long camp for just kids, and the second is a family camp that has weekend getaways and one-day events throughout the year. I am fascinated by everyone's story, by everyone's journey of grief.
I think I've mentioned before that the reason I became a music therapist is because music helped me get through some really rough times. My mom was going on 5+ years of being sick from what we now know as multiple chemical sensitivities, my parents announced their divorce, my grandfather was diagnosed with and then quickly died from pancreatic cancer, and my friend Casey jumped off a bridge right around the same time. Honestly, music saved my life. I can look back on that period of my life and realize that I was in shock...I would go from school to San Antonio to see my grandfather and fall asleep on the couch as soon as we got to my grandmother's house. Music is what kept me alive, kept me breathing, saved me. Well, music and God. And some well placed family and friends.
Everyone experiences grief differently and deals with it differently. I was an angry lady for a good part of high school and college and chose to distract myself with friends and going out. Heck, I even joined MATH CLUB to get out of my house and we know how much I love math. I look back on that time and realize that I was totally getting crashed up on the shore over and over again but slowly I got stronger and was able to pull myself up, then turn around and start pulling others out of the water. That's partially why I do what I do - I know that if I can go through what I did and make it out alive, then I can help others. It is so important that people who have been through or are going through a heavy experience do whatever it takes to express that. Yelling at the sky, journaling, punching a pillow, dancing, swimming, drawing, pounding on a piano or a drum, whatever it is, that stuff cannot be held in, it will destroy you.
Don't get me wrong - I don't have this superhero complex and think I can save everyone from what they're going through. That's not my job. My job is to just be there to help and hopefully bring some fun, smiles, and reflection to a beautiful life.
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