Ugh! I keep starting and stopping on this blog post because I don't know where to start. Just write, right?
Right.
Okay. Well, if you're a mom, you know about the mommy blues. I am a pretty emotional person to begin with, and I don't know when it stopped being mommy blues and started being PPD but I started having pretty gnarly anxiety attacks, one after a visit to the OBGYN, and another just out of the blue one night: full on shaking, crying, the works. Sometimes someone will play a sad song and I'll freak out, or my brain will just magically go to that place that creates horrible scenarios, and in each one something happening to me or my loved ones. The nightmares are awesome too.
I am not someone who lives under fear. I'm not. This is therefore new territory for me. I went to the doc to get my thyroid tested and it had swung under my normal range. Their reaction was - everything's in (the standard) normal range! You're fine! Except, I wasn't. I had stopped taking my thyroid meds because I noticed that if I didn't take one, the anxiety wasn't so bad. But then I would notice a drop in milk production. Oh, the rock and the hard place.
Adeline's pediatrician is an earthy crunchy family doc and at her last visit my mom spilled my beans for me. He ended up testing my thyroid and ultimately putting me on a lower dose every other day. He also tested my progesterone, which turned out to be super low (and an indicator of PPD), so I'm taking that now. I am also seeing a therapist every week to help with everything.
I expected to feel better almost immediately, and so far I don't really. The last two days have been rough, enough that I made the decision that our little family was going to stay home instead of go to Vegas for the weekend, where my brother is getting married.
I wanted to write this because I know there are folks out there who have experienced this type thing or are in the middle of it, and I wanted to provide some solidarity, some insight, and hope that things get better. Not that they're all the way better for me quite yet but we're working on it.
7 comments:
The hardest thing about being a new mom is that everyone does think you're happy. And that absolutely makes you feel worse for not feeling happy, like you love your baby less because you have anxiety and tears and can't seem to quite make it work. Baby Blues are real and really horrible. So is milk supply. You spend 9 months ruled by your uterus and then switch to being ruled by your boobs.
Love you.
I had a really rough bout of PPD after Madison was born. It was intense & debilitating. I was supposed to be in love with my new baby and I was terrified to hold her or be alone with her. Not just normal anxiety of a newborn, like I couldn't function- I couldn't stop crying long enough to eat, shower, brush my teeth.
It was terrible & scary but with a combination of meds, therapy & an extremely supportive family that knew what I needed I made it through.
I'm terrified of it happening all over again but we all know what to look for and I will start back on my meds before the end of this pregnancy to even me out.
oh Joanna that's awful! I am glad that you are on the alert and have a plan for the next go 'round.
More power to you chica.
Life is never easy, and for those that say it is are either lying or men (haha ;-)) !
Seriously, though, the only thing we can do is keep our minds and hearts open, be honest to ourselves, and be willing to investigate and try various options. You are surrounded by supportive, loving, and nonjudgemental people who would love to be a listening ear and hand-holder when needed. Love to you, girl!
I hope you know how totally, totally normal you are and your situation is. You are not alone. Obviously, I haven't experienced PPD, but I have dealt with general depression, and it makes everyday life a lot harder to deal with. You will make it through! Glad you have Adeline and Kyle to support you.
Helen
Sorry to hear about the mommy blues. Though I have no experience with the mommy blues I do have experience with the regular blues and they are pretty sucky. I can't really imagine what its like but one thing I know for sure is that you are one of the coolest, strongest, most awesome-est gals I know, and you will get through this. Sending you my love.
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