shhh....

house is quiet, baby is sleeping, and I've given myself 6 more minutes to screw around online before getting down to the business of writing, then some crafting. We should skip afternoon naps more often!

(here's to hoping she doesn't wake up at 4am...fat chance...but the solitude is kind of a glorious trade...)

music for healing

I have the opportunity to present on therapeutic drumming coming up here in a couple months. While meeting with the coordinator, we had to hash out some details of a flyer that is going to go out to garner interest that had the words "the healing power of (music)" on it. Phrases like this give me hives because I think people will automatically think that if they have some sort of illness, physical or mental, that they'll be miraculously healed by music. 

While I do believe in the whole - "music of the spheres" - everything is vibration - everything is rhythm - thing, music unfortunately cannot outright heal someone of their illness. However, it can be ridiculously healing.

A few months ago NPR posted on facebook the simple question, "What music makes you cry?" It made me think of something in music psychology we call extra-musical associations, which usually have to do with choosing appropriate musical selections during a relaxation. Extra-musical associations are narratives that either we or the composer put on a certain song or piece of music. In the case of classical music you've got La cathedrale engloutie (the underwater cathedral) by Claude Debussy which, totally sounds like its title:

and then in popular music, you've got Adele, who I'm pretty sure was stalking me in high school and college and writing songs about my relationships:

Our extra-musical perceptions are very personal and very meaningful. There isn't a single time I can listen to certain Coldplay songs without thinking of the South of France, or driving outside of Fort Worth, or whatever.

But further than that, what are the songs that bring you to tears? Every once in awhile, this song gets me because it reminds me of my grandfather who died, a boyfriend who left me, and a friend who basically disappeared without explanation:

I heard from someone that there was a study done on the chemical compound of tears from three people: one who was cutting onions, one who was physically in pain, and one who was grieving. Turns out the one who was grieving had lots of serotonin in their tears, which means that the tears were actually physically healing. Crazy, huh?

What's on your tearjerker playlist and why?

getting it together

I've had this ongoing epiphany the last week and a half or so. I am making a conscious effort to have more of a routine and schedule and if you know me you know that this is SO RIDICULOUSLY DIFFICULT for me. I had to actually physically make an excel spreadsheet that has things like:

wake up

thyroid meds

run

smoothie

feed dog

lunch

laundry

sweep

clean bathroom

etc.

:to help me get through my day. Otherwise, it's not too long before I turn into a cranky mess because I feel like I can't get anything done. Last week was pretty good - I mostly got some stuff done and then had to spend part of the weekend catching up on laundry and cleaning (which I hate). This week is seeming to be a little more focused and organized, and I'm learning that if I actually schedule myself time to do things like organize Addy's room, including making time where I have no other responsibility than making sure her room is put together, not only does it feel AMAZING but I also have time to do things like work on my back porch, spray paint some lanterns, that sort of thing.

What's even more awesome is that even with last week being just a TOUCH more organized and the institution of a nightly routine: 

Kyle comes home

dinner

bath

sleep

:Addy, after several months of at least two night wakings, has been sleeping through the night like a champ more nights than not. AND been napping more consistently. Weird. 

What's even more weird is how much I like this. It gives me hope because when Kyle says things like, "You really think you have time for vegetable beds in the front yard?" I can confidently say "YES!" 

(even though I mean, 'okay I know I still have a long way to go but eventually, yes')

9ish months does not = over it.

'kay so I've been quiet on the whole personal, emotional front, mostly because I've been going through a lot and I haven't had the time or the brainpower to get it all down the way I wanted to. To catch us all up, here's where we're at: I've got some lingerling postpartum depression/anxiety issues, perhaps dealing with some PTSD. I'm taking an anti-depressant for all those things, trying to find holistic ways to do it so I don't always have to be on the drug. I've always been down on anti-depressants, but it's kind of a necessary thing at this time, and I don't want to go back to the nightmares and the anxiety attacks. A bonus is that my thyroid is kind of jacked up, which just makes all of the above a fun carnival ride of awesomeness.

I don't mean to paint a bleak picture - the day-to-day is really kind of awesome a lot of the time, and I'm enjoying being home with A. Just sometimes there are days like today where I read a story about another mom's horrendous C-section experience and I end up a little shaky and a whole lot weepy. Thankfully I have people to call when that happens and then I jump headfirst into my journal, and try to make some time to paint.

But gosh, it's hard sometimes. I want to be so awesome at everything and right now I feel like I am just scraping by.

This all feels a whole lot like when my life was almost literally falling down around me in my early teenage years. This time I've decided to look at the dark places a little bit differently - instead of trying to swallow everything and pretend like it's fine, just fine, thanks - and use them to fuel my creativity. Grief is a powerful force and already it's drawn me back to who I am and who I want to be creatively.

Even that is a double-edged sword - I still have to write down lists of things that I need to get done each day to feel accomplished and not have a whole day go by before I realize what time it is. 

The taking care of and loving on the cutest baby in all the land is the easy part. I say easy because it's not like there's a choice involved there - she will grow up happy, healthy, and probably more than a little sarcastic. Parenting is no joke - it's exhausting, it's frustrating, and it stretches me and makes me grow so much it hurts on a daily basis. And I wouldn't want to be anywhere else but here. 

Well okay, probably I'd go for a beach right about now, but you know what I mean.

I'm going to have to find a name more appetizing than "The Purple Poopinator"

But first, an update on m'beans. Sadly, I was a bad steward of my black beans.

A few days ago, Tuesday maybe, I was all excited because I had soaked my beans and was going to cook them on the stove on low for a couple hours and then my daughter had to wake up from her nap prematurely and be all snuggly, so we ended up snoozing together in bed, and I just about burned the house down. 

So, I soaked more beans and cooked them in the crock pot and then after I turned them off got so sidetracked by groceries and dinner that I FORGOT to do anything with them. Ugh. I suck.

In other news, I'm down 12 pounds on the raw vegan goodness and feeling GREAT! I'm going to cite this new way of eating and Stroller Strides for all this. Yow I feel good. A friend asked for a sample menu - the girl I'm working with does individualized plans based on people's social and medical history so really everyone gets a different diet when working with her but here are some of my favorites (taken from different days)

breakfast: fruit smoothie (my fave is strawberry banana)

snack: watermelon

lunch: some kind of ridiculously awesome salad (usually spinach, red peppers, cucumber, sprouts, etc) and an equally amazing dressing

snack: raspberry, blackberry, goji berries and almond milk, eaten like cereal

dinner: stuffed red peppers using cauliflower as "rice" with garlic, green onions, and tamari

snack: mango and blackberries with some macerated blackberries drizzled over it

In the veggie vein, we've been cutting WAY back on meat in the house, and Kyle's been a rock star at coming up with new delicious recipes. The other day he made this awesome beet curry which you should definitely try. JUST BE WARNED that if you eat a lot of it, the next morning you will freak out and think you're hemmhoraging but not to worry, it's just the beets. And I can't believe I'm saying this but pooping purple for part of a day is totes worth it because the recipe is AMAZING.

So Mellifluous

I was thinking about starting a Tumblr account, when I discovered that somellifluous was already taken. And then I found this site, which is kinda awesome in its own little way.

more on the beans

okay - I went a little nutty at the store today and went around checking out the price per pound of beans. A couple different prepackaged bags in the "Mexican" aisle were 7.4 cents and 12 cents per pound respectively and then I went to Whole Foods bulk section and pretty much every kind of bean there was like, .1 cent per pound. FOR DRY BEANS! Still working through last week's hummus but we're introducing baby A to black beans and avocados this week so it is on like donkey kong with the dry beanage. I don't think I'll ever go back. Who thought that something that requires forethought, planning, and money saving would be my new favorite thing.

DIY hummus - for the sake of your cashola.

My sweet foodie friend just recently wrote about making your own staples that you usually buy at the grocery store, and then my hubs sent me this article, which I thought put a great perspective in how we're spending our money when we buy canned beans. My abuela made all kinds of beans from scratch - I LOVED showing up at her house for the weekend and inevitably she'd have this huge pot of beans brewing on the stove that smelled like heaven. 

So, whilst out shopping this weekend I bought a bag of dried garbanzo beans, which was $4.35. Of course I threw the bag away so I have no idea how much was in it. But I do know this - I am obSESSED with Sabra's roasted garlic hummus, which can be anywhere between $3 and $4 per 10oz.

I soaked the beans overnight and then some, and they soaked up ALL the water in the bowl. I drained them and set them on a low simmer for a couple hours until they were the right kind of tender. I then went to town, adding olive oil, garlic, cumin, paprika, lemon juice, salt, red pepper flakes, and sometimes a few pieces of Hatch chiles (which were a whopping $.39/lb this past week at Whole Foods!) and came up with this:

3 jars, 16 oz of hummus apiece. For a WHOLE lot less than what you pay at the store PLUS you have more control over how much oil & fattiness goes into it AND you can play with different seasonal flavors from your garden! Viva la DIY!

Lady Jane

Once upon a time I lived in Spain and then London for a summer. It was in the English countryside that we came upon this cute little town where I bought a pink shirt with white flowers on it.

Well, I am long-waisted and the shirt was very short-waisted (hence the white tank underneath), and then every time I washed the shirt I had to iron the flowers down. Needless to say it didn't last very long in my wardrobe rotation. I saved the flowers though, for just such an occassion, and every time I see them I am rocketed right back to that English summer and my wonderful housemates Jane & Jim.

This is the first official item that is going up on my Etsy shop! Hooray!

mellifluous. music. monday.

The other thing I've decided to focus on is who I am as a musician. I have guitars, a ukulele, a djembe, a mandolin, a piano, and a clarinet all in my house, along with a bunch of auxiliary percussion instruments. As a music therapist, I'd become kind of Jane-of-all-musics-master-of-few so what I want to dedicate my Monday blog posts to is music. Maybe it's the playing of, the listening to, or the attending of. My undergraduate degree concentrated in ethnomusicology, which is the study of world music, and what it means about me is that I want to know everything about every kind of music I can get my ears on - where it originated and by whom, the cultural significance, and the historical impact of it and how that style impacted the world at the time (and/or continues to). 

If you want to get super geeky, you can check out my bilingual music therapy blog, which will dive deeper in to the cultural and neurolinguistics of music and why music therapy in general is just so very awesome.

But here, on Mondays at least, we're going to just talk about music.

Claire

I have a LOT of leftover Ikea fabric from my guest shower curtain that I made a few years ago. It is a home decor weight fabric that is fun to look at, and I love making bags and wallets from this material. Yesterday we celebrated the birthday of a dear friend who I knew loved my shower curtain so I whipped her up a tote bag. Henceforth, anything with that outer fabric and red lining shall be under the "Claire" line.

I am attempting to make a matching wallet but so far I keep screwing it up...I'll post as soon as I figure that one out.

*update: I gave up on the wallet completely after dozens of ripped seams. Seems the interfacing I bought was too stiff for it and I just could not get it to turn out or top stitch and then my attempts at adding a bias tape around the outside totally was not the way to go. Back to the drawing board!

epic stashbusting

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? So here's me admitting to my dirty little crafting secret: I, Christina, am a fabric hoarder. I am obsessed with pretty fabrics and designs and new patterns, but it seems that when I get the fabric home and washed and halfway stitched, another pretty piece of fabric and pattern calls to me softly and I'm off again, pursuing some other sewing endeavor. What's more is that when I do finish a project, I can't bring myself to just discard the leftover strips and such. Oh no. What that leaves me with is what you see above, what happened when I dumped out a huge box of fabric. I got to thinking about what I wanted to do with it.

There are a ton of unfinished projects in here, and since I am no longer working and we're operating under a new budget, I have decided to tear through my stash before I get or start anything new. So, I grabbed a box of freezer bags and a sharpie and started organizing my pile of stuff into projects:

This way, when I get the odd blessed hour or so for nap time, I can pull out a bag, work on a project, and put it back without the eventual destruction of my craft room.

I have a bunch of gift projects that I'm working on, but I also have a whole lot of fabric that isn't purposed for anything in particular. That fabric I stored by color or texture so that when I want to make a blanket or a baby girl dress or wallets or applique some onesies, I know where to reach. 

I have been overwhelmed lately, feeling like all I do is vacuum, change diapers, feed people, and haven't had the time or the energy to be creative, which is a HUGE part of what makes me who I am. In the interest of preserving my sanity and staving off the dark clouds that gather above me when I am sans creativeness, I scheduled some lovely ladies to come clean my house to help me keep on top of the deep cleaning stuff that let's face it, is just not my forte. Because I function largely from the right half of my brain, I am prone to this overwhelmed-ness when there is no order to the chaos, and I HAVE to put structure around myself or else I'll end up a frazzled grumpy pumpkin or as K likes to call me, "a super hot mess."

What this also means is that I'm going to open up an Etsy shop because I get lots of requests from friends who want the stuff that I make. This, too, will help me get through my stash and help me work out some kinks on designs that I have as I figure out what I want to specialize in. I am going to take this stash busting opportunity to build up some inventory.

Stay tuned - this is going to be fun!

humbled.

I got a facebook message from an acquaintance from Longhorn Band who said that she is at 41 weeks prego and may be looking at an induction, which may lead to a c-section and what was humbling is that her friend recommended she talked to me about my whole birth experience. It was wonderfully therapeutic to pay it forward in a way, to encourage her that she is strong and can get through it. Humbled because it made me realize that even though I'm feeling a little lost these days, scrambling to add structure and get into a groove, that the story of Adeline's birth is one that needs to be told and retold and reminds me of how hard I worked for her. It's a story that grounds me and makes me stop and appreciate my family, and what we've endured together.

I found these quotes today and love them:

"Birth is not only about making babies. It's about making mothers~ strong, competent, capable mothers who trust themselves and believe in their inner strength." - Barbara Katz Rothman

The wisdom and compassion a woman can intuitively experience in childbirth can make her a source of healing and understanding for other women.
Stephen Gaskin

****UPDATE****

I received this facebook message yesterday, seriously warmed my heart:

Thank you, thank you, thank you. You were able to instill so much confidence that I had lost and I can't tell you how much I appreciate that. We were induced with Pitocin Monday afternoon and he was born this morning at 9:53 am. Other than the Pit (to work on contractions) we were able to labor and deliver with no other drugs.  Thank you so much for your help.

*glow*

RAWr

I started working with a raw foods coach to address my health! It's a long story but let me just say she is awesome and I LOVE her, and I'm on day two and am already learning so much. Like, your poop changes colors when you eat only raw veggies. Also, Goji berries are my new happy place. Seriously. SO GOOD. One of my snacks today was one cup of blueberries, one cup blackberries, and a handfull of Goji's with 4oz of almond milk. Totally my new favorite thing.

I eat breakfast, a snack, lunch, a snack, dinner, and a snack that is laid out on an emailed menu by Her Rawness and the weird thing is that while yesterday I was tearing through the foodles, today I'm finding it more difficult to get through my meals. Like, I'm FULL. It's different from feeling totally satisfied, and I'm wondering if it has to do with not eating cooked food and changing my mindset about that. 

Don't worry, I'm not going to give up cooked food for good - I just want to go mostly raw right now and see how this way of eating will impact my mood, thoughts, and overall health.

Hummingbird.

Now that I am home 24/7 I have all these ideas. Things I want to work on, cook, bake, write, sew, crochet, listen to, etc.

Just writing that list is dizzying! I have therefore resolved to give myself a two-week break from thinking about all the things that I want to be doing and focus on the things that I OUGHT to be doing, namely, building a foundation, some routines for myself and my familia so that when I have an extra hour here or there I can be focused in my attack on all that stuff I mentioned above. 

And, lucky you, you'll probably like my blog a whole lot more once I find some focus :)

i wish...

me:  uh oh

 Kyle:  ?

 me:  someone in our neighborhood is giving away a 10 week old lab puppy because her kids are allergic.

 Kyle:  that's a shame

 me:  yup

it's a cute puppy.

 Kyle:  it's not in our house is it?

 me:  right now?

 Kyle:  ever?

now it's time to get back

Just a quick update as my sunshine is napping for more than 20 minutes for the first. time. today.

1) I joined Stroller Strides! thinking "hey this will be a nice little workout and I can meet moms." I get my ass kicked 3 times a week and it is AWESOME. and painful. in a good way.

2) I met and hung out with a raw foods coach and am going to go "high raw vegetarian" starting tomorrow. Kind of excited about it. 

3) I had a moment last week after Stroller Strides when after class a herd of ducks came up to us so I took A out of her stroller and stood her up on the sidewalk. She smiled SO BIG and started sort of QUACK-ing at them! In that moment I thought to myself, "yeah, I wouldn't be anywhere else."

4) KINGS OF LEON with BAND OF HORSES on FRIDAY!

5) My garden is absolutely amazing. Pics soon!

much too much

I did too much today. 

I woke up early.
I walked the dog.
I baked muffins.

I baked a chicken.

I repurposed last nights dinner into a new(ish) and exciting(ish) one.

I drove to Arlington and hung out at a craft store so my niece could pick out fabric for her Egyptian tunic for her birthday party this weekend.

I cleaned as I went.

I sort of made the bed.

I somehow twisted my knee and now it's swollen.
Most importantly, I kept my kid alive, so I'm going to have to call this day a win, even though I'm sure I'll be asleep by 8:30.

I decided that the Food Network now instead of countdown timers should have a hungry, sleepy, cranky baby in the room while they cook. If they don't accidentally burn the kitchen down, then and only then will I be impressed.

Somebody call the waaaambulance.

the mother 'hood

I did it. I left my dream job after a year and a half to stay at home with my little chickadee.

It was not. an easy. decision.

But looking back, in some ways it was. I spent a lot of time thinking about how I define myself and over and over I kept getting the same result:

1. Wife

2. Mother

3. Music Therapist

4. - 13478. Everything else

I don't want to get all Earth Mother on you, but seriously, giving birth, especially in the way that it all went down, rocked my world. I thought after I went back to work that I was handling it and then I started reading a book called Creative Interventions with Traumatized Children and could see a lot of symptoms of trauma in myself, which then as a self aware therapist made me go: 

huh. I wonder if I can go through all this and still be a good therapist. 

Not that my therapy was ever struggling. I'm really good at what I do. The music and the kiddos and the families were incredible. Invigorating. It was just that in the in-between times I found myself not really being the kind of Wife or Mother that I wanted to be because I was basically in crisis mode, trying to heal myself and my family and at the same time being a support for traumatized and grieving and hurting patients and families at the same time and on top of all that trying to find time to feed, bathe, clothe not only myself but my kid and then somehow find the brain cells to get dinner on the table, maybe hit a yoga class or run or journal in order for me to have some self care. 

In short: I was kind of off-kilter.

I was off kilter, and I had the incredible support of my husband (who should get an award for Dad of the Year in the diaper washing, dish washing, and keeping-his-wife's-shit-together categories) and my mother, who basically...no...actually lived with us for 6 months. I know what you're thinking. That's a whole other series of posts right there, but not in a bad way.

I was a step behind myself, my kid, and my hubs, and I hated that. On my best days I was still exhausted and raw and on my worst days I cried a lot, feeling guilty for "having it all" and being miserable. And then I remembered a line from Wicked:

That's why I couldn't be happier
No, I couldn't be happier
Though it is, I admit
The tiniest bit
Unlike I anticipated
But I couldn't be happier
Simply couldn't be happier
(spoken) Well - not "simply":
(sung) 'Cause getting your dreams
It's strange, but it seems
A little - well - complicated
There's a kind of a sort of : cost
There's a couple of things get: lost
There are bridges you cross
You didn't know you crossed
Until you've crossed
And if that joy, that thrill
Doesn't thrill you like you think it will
Still -
With this perfect finale
The cheers and ballyhoo
Who
Wouldn't be happier?
So I couldn't be happier
Because happy is what happens
When all your dreams come true
Well, isn't it?
Happy is what happens
When your dreams come true!

that's all for now...more about all this later.

and on a related note...