put a bird on it

Step 1

If there's anything that I'm disorganized most about that makes me the most crazy, it's my complete inability to conceive of and execute a weekly dinner plan. I mean, the conception isn't that difficult. It's the execution. The get home work out relax(?) laundry tidy up feed child make dinner put child to bed in whatever order or permutation of help from my awesome hubs and mom it happens to happen. 

Case in point: it is 9:10pm and there's still 10 minutes to go on the eggplant parmesan.

Which brings me to my next point: Meatless Mondays! I have played around with vegetarian and veganism for awhile now and after getting the hell scared out of me by reading The China Study have decided to make a concerted effort to get my little family to eat less meat.

I absolutely worship eggplant parmesan. I don't care who makes it or where it's from (Campisi's though...mmm talk to me slowly) I adore it. So, it being Monday I decided to try out a recipe from my mom's old dusty 1970s cookbook with a screechy baby trying to be rocked to sleep in the next room. Is it just me or does the sound of your crying child make you lose brain cells and/or concentration as well? Anyway, I can't tell if the recipe was terrible or if my brain was just operating on half speed, but it's going to be done in 5 minutes and you best believe I'll be tweaking it because it will not. best. me.

So yeah - my goal for these next few weeks is to have a plan and carry it through. Wednesday: Chicken & Artichoke Enchiladas with Black Beans! Maybe I'll even give you my beans recipe. You can woo people with these beans, I'm not even lying.

Happy Monday!

humble pie

I feel like I have been going in a million different directions lately, 

but some events over the last few weeks have helped focus me a little bit. 

While I was pregnant I scoffed at the idea of slowing down or changing much about my life. I expected to keep up the go-go-go...I went to happy hours when I was prego and exhausted, flitted around like a bloated social butterfly, did a whole lot of things I don't regret necessarily but will do differently next time around. Why do I have to always bloom late on everything? I swear. It takes me forever to grow up.

Kyle's had this mantra about not having to go to the other side of the world in order to have a full and happy life which I thought was just. silly.

And then all the running around, especially with a 2-3-4-5 month old just got kind of exhausting. So, I have a plan of attack to save my sanity and get more connected with my sweet family.

Stay tuned.

turn to the left.

I realized today whilst shopping for clothes that I don't have a specific style. I want to, even if it's one of those whatever-meets-whatever-meets-whatever, and I would like to cultivate it, but right now I think I'm in the whatever-fits-and-doesn't-look-like-I-just-rolled-outta-bed mode. If you're reading this and you're a fashionista or had to learn how to hone your style, share tips. And maybe this'll be a new little focus for the bloggy blog.

backspacer

Ugh! I keep starting and stopping on this blog post because I don't know where to start. Just write, right?

Right.

Okay. Well, if you're a mom, you know about the mommy blues. I am a pretty emotional person to begin with, and I don't know when it stopped being mommy blues and started being PPD but I started having pretty gnarly anxiety attacks, one after a visit to the OBGYN, and another just out of the blue one night: full on shaking, crying, the works. Sometimes someone will play a sad song and I'll freak out, or my brain will just magically go to that place that creates horrible scenarios, and in each one something happening to me or my loved ones. The nightmares are awesome too.

I am not someone who lives under fear. I'm not. This is therefore new territory for me. I went to the doc to get my thyroid tested and it had swung under my normal range. Their reaction was - everything's in (the standard) normal range! You're fine! Except, I wasn't. I had stopped taking my thyroid meds because I noticed that if I didn't take one, the anxiety wasn't so bad. But then I would notice a drop in milk production. Oh, the rock and the hard place.

Adeline's pediatrician is an earthy crunchy family doc and at her last visit my mom spilled my beans for me. He ended up testing my thyroid and ultimately putting me on a lower dose every other day. He also tested my progesterone, which turned out to be super low (and an indicator of PPD), so I'm taking that now. I am also seeing a therapist every week to help with everything.

I expected to feel better almost immediately, and so far I don't really. The last two days have been rough, enough that I made the decision that our little family was going to stay home instead of go to Vegas for the weekend, where my brother is getting married.

I wanted to write this because I know there are folks out there who have experienced this type thing or are in the middle of it, and I wanted to provide some solidarity, some insight, and hope that things get better. Not that they're all the way better for me quite yet but we're working on it.

so.

I've decided that my not writing has come from mostly just not wanting to be that girl who blogs about awesome stuff and then has a kid and only blogs about poop. I mean, I'm not even sure I want to read yet another blog from a mom who thinks that they're the first one to ever experience motherhood.

That sounded harsh. What I mean is, I love reading other people's blogs about their kids, LOVE checking up on my friends and their babies and how they do things - I just don't know that I have a fresh perspective.

I am still learning to balance this crazy full time work full time momma thing. It is NOT. EASY. 

I know, nobody ever said it was easy. Mostly anything anyone ever said included the words "mommy guilt" regarding returning to work full time. Do I want to be home with my kid all the time? Oh gosh yes. Right now she is all squeaks and squawks and smiles and feet and all I do every day upon returning home is hold her and kiss on her. Do I want to continue being a music therapist full time in an awesome setting? You. Betcha. For me, balancing everything has come down to watching a whole lot less television, saying no to happy hours and the Dallas MS150, and saying yes to drool and pumping at work and seriously the best faces I've seen anyone make. Ever.

So just as I am learning to balance it, I am learning to balance and focus this blog so I know what to write about when I have nothing to write.

brewing.

I don't blame you if you're not following my blog any more - heck, I'm hardly following it any more. I've moved Adeline's stuff over to a different blog so if you know me and want the link and all the goodies, lemme know.

There's a post brewing here, I promise. It's just that I'm trying to focus the blog and thinking about privacy and all that.  But, I can't be the mom of a nearly 5-month-old and not have something to write about. Also, we're in the middle of a garden expansion so you best believe there will be some beautiful pics up here shortly.

what.

learned how to play "blackbird" on the guitar tonight after putting Adeline to bed.

ka-chow!

mommyville

phew! life, full beautiful painful wonderful life with a 3 month old is FULL and I've been busy living it instead of writing about it but now I'm sitting on the second hour of The Bachelor The Women Tell All and I feel like I can spend a couple brain cells here instead of melting in front of deliciously trashy television.

Things that have been going on - laughing, smiling, marveling, working, working, working, and a tiny bit of sleeping. It's kinda like being in college again, except way more awesome.

I don't know if I'm the only person noticing this but there's been a LOT of death around me lately. It seems to be on everyone's mind as of late - in getting ready for this past weekend's grief camp I was dreading every moment because I feel like I've been swimming in it...and then a local pastor at my coworker's church died suddenly a couple weeks ago, and then I heard that a friend's dad passed away suddenly, and then Jason Mraz's recent blog is all about a song he wrote about people and pets who have gone before....ugh. Thankfully, the day at camp really was wonderful and filled with laughing and helping others that it was incredibly healing for me. I know that's not why we're supposed to do what we do, and I didn't go into it expecting it, it was just a nice surprise.

For whatever reason becoming a mom has made me not only crazy grateful and in awe of life but also heartbroken at the messed up world we're in and really...aware...I guess...of the fragile nature of life. Maybe because there have been some mad tragic things that have happened in my family's life, and the mama hormones, I have been struggling with some anxiety and fear that seriously keep me up at night, second-guessing every step and decision. Any other moms out there experience the same thing? 'cos wow I'd really like to hear that I'm normal.

and the rest will follow

So needed to hear this today: change your mind

:(

My garden has been freezer burned by Old Man Winter. It is a sad, sad day.

2 Months

Adeline's got all kinds of new tricks up her sleeve, including two nights in a row of sleeping 8 hours (!?), but more importantly, smiling and interacting like it's going out of style. We love her :)

this is my confession

I'm a little embarrassed to say this

but

I am not a fan of contemporary Christian music.

There. I said it.

I can't help myself...I love hymns, I love music, I love Jesus...what's the problem? It's a little something I like to call the Jesus Rock Show. I don't know when I started feeling this way or noticing, but it all seems so...contrived. I know, I'm not supposed to be judging, but I can't help but wince in church when the live band isn't connecting at all with the audience and is instead having their own personal...well..Jesus Rock Show...up on stage. Hands lifted, tears streaming, totally feeling it, beautiful...until I look around and much of the audience is mouthing the words, looking around awkwardly, waiting for the first chance to be excused. Or even more awkward, when there's one person in the band having a Moment and the rest of the bandmembers obviously aren't. 

Maybe it's a reflection of where I am in my own stumbling meander of faith, this not getting it. You don't know how frustrating it is to be in church, be a musician and someone who is deeply connected to music, and totally counting the minutes until worship is over.

The most awesome worship experience I've had since being in Dallas was when the hubs and I stumbled upon a Church of Christ in our neighborhood that we wanted to check out because it was so close by. Have any of you ever been in a Church of Christ service? I know it gets a bad rap because their whole "no instruments" thing is "weird" (as if one must have ratty jeans and an acoustic guitar to get them some Jesus) but when the congregation exploded into beautiful four-part harmony, our minds were instantly blown. It was an incredible thing. 

All that being said, today I discovered an artist I actually like. It's like the Weepies at church. Even if you don't consider yourself particularly "religious" or into the whole church thing, check out JJ Heller for some good, uplifting tunes.

Eat, Pray, Love

watching the movie = getting the itch for overseas

and for my own pizza/jug in a small tavern a'la 1997

the good kind of grief

It's finally happened - I've become That Girl Who Works With Dying Kids. I went to dinner with high school friends the other night, several of whom are studying to become doctors and they were talking about maybe losing patients every once in awhile and how hard it would be and when they turned and looked at me I saw different versions of it on everyone's face. Not pity so much but that scrunched up nose how-can-you-do-what-you-do-I-could-never-do-that-I-cry-at-the-drop-of-a-hat type face. 

I'm not even going to lie, I'm pretty much a grief junkie. I got involved with a grief camp almost five (FIVE?!) years ago, a camp for kids who have experienced the death of a loved one. Every time I tell people that it's awesome and fun, they look at me like I'm crazy. Then a couple years ago I started volunteering for another grief organization, which focuses on the families who have experienced the death of a child. The biggest difference is that the first is a week-long camp for just kids, and the second is a family camp that has weekend getaways and one-day events throughout the year. I am fascinated by everyone's story, by everyone's journey of grief.

I think I've mentioned before that the reason I became a music therapist is because music helped me get through some really rough times. My mom was going on 5+ years of being sick from what we now know as multiple chemical sensitivities, my parents announced their divorce, my grandfather was diagnosed with and then quickly died from pancreatic cancer, and my friend Casey jumped off a bridge right around the same time. Honestly, music saved my life. I can look back on that period of my life and realize that I was in shock...I would go from school to San Antonio to see my grandfather and fall asleep on the couch as soon as we got to my grandmother's house. Music is what kept me alive, kept me breathing, saved me. Well, music and God. And some well placed family and friends. 

Everyone experiences grief differently and deals with it differently. I was an angry lady for a good part of high school and college and chose to distract myself with friends and going out. Heck, I even joined MATH CLUB to get out of my house and we know how much I love math. I look back on that time and realize that I was totally getting crashed up on the shore over and over again but slowly I got stronger and was able to pull myself up, then turn around and start pulling others out of the water. That's partially why I do what I do - I know that if I can go through what I did and make it out alive, then I can help others. It is so important that people who have been through or are going through a heavy experience do whatever it takes to express that. Yelling at the sky, journaling, punching a pillow, dancing, swimming, drawing, pounding on a piano or a drum, whatever it is, that stuff cannot be held in, it will destroy you.  

Don't get me wrong - I don't have this superhero complex and think I can save everyone from what they're going through. That's not my job. My job is to just be there to help and hopefully bring some fun, smiles, and reflection to a beautiful life.

Watch Out

Oh and hey I forgot to mention that I started Weight Watchers last week and lost 3 pounds! Let's hope I can stick to this sucker when I go back to work - I've got a bridesmaid's dress and hopefully Costa Rica to keep me motivated!

delirious

Wow, time flies when you're not getting any stretches of sleep longer than 4 hours! Addy is almost 8 weeks and next week I go back to work. I went to yoga twice last week and hopefully can make it tonight if K gets home in the next 15 minutes. I had high hopes of getting right back into running and such but that was before my abdominal muscles were stretched like crazy and then cut into, so yoga (and maybe swimming as soon as my mom gets up here) for now. I'd like to get my core muscles strengthened before I go running and jiggling everything around, to avoid any injuries in the future. I have been attending the beginner class and my pride hates for me to say this considering I've dabbled in yoga for the last 8 years but YOW! I am suuuuper sore the next day! It's a great time for me to get refocused and start from square one. 

Adeline is...all kinds of amazing. She's a smiling bundle of wonderful and I'm pretty sure she's been taking lessons from Tyra 'cos she totally has the smeyes going on. She's babbling and cooing and having longer stretches of quiet alertness before passing out so I've been reading books to her in English and Spanish,  playing guitar and singing, and overall having a ball with her. Going back to work is going to be really, really tough. We are still trying to figure out a long-term childcare plan but for now are relying on the help of our moms.

This is definitely not the most interesting of posts but hey, at least the Bachelor is on later?

resolutions revisited

I've been thinking more about New Year's Resolutions. The cool (neurotic?) part about having my birthday so close into the year is that I annually give myself the fourteen days between the first and the fifteenth to reflect and decide on some resolutions. I've been thinking a lot about devotion and discipline and I've noticed a few things - while I am devoted and disciplined about checking my Email or Facebook stalking or watching TV for at least thirty minutes to a couple hours every day, I hardly care to wash my face or brush my teeth every night before going to bed, let alone have a regular schedule of journaling or prayer or jamming out on an instrument, even though I know how good it is for me. My mom used to drive me crazy by saying, "If you worked this little bit (usually it had to do with practicing piano or clarinet), think about what would happen if you actually put your mind to it." 

All that plus thinking about how taking care of a baby is very repetitive and finding joy (zen?) in the repetition of sleeping waking changing feeding repeating is in itself a discipline.  So then I got to thinking about setting aside time during the day to do...whatever...but making that as much as a priority as peeking at the FB a few times a day. What can I create? Where will it take me? What are the goals that I have that I don't take the time daily to achieve? 

This last one is difficult for me in the way that writing a thesis was. I was always the 4:00am writer of papers due at 8:00am four hours later kind of person and it worked for me, so writing a paper (or heck, working on a book) over a long period of time was maddening. Is maddening. I'm a procrastinator by nature. But in doing that in life I end up wasting my time on say, mindless HBO miniseries, and then I have no right to complain about the arms I wish were toned and gorgeous or be frustrated with resting on the laurels of what is familiar musically in a therapy session. Of course there must be a balance, but living a life where creativity is pretty much mandatory...I can't NOT be crocheting or musicking or sewing or gardening - it makes me crazy..."taking a break" means PLAYING! Like music therapy school homework of practicing guitar to which I say OKAY!

I guess what I mean is I usually have the same goals every year. This year I'm resolving to not waste time NOT going after them, every day.

6 week postpartum checkup: back in the saddle again

I went to my shiny new OB/GYN for my 6 week checkup/annual exam...these things being annual I am deciding whether or not having such a delightful experience this close to my birthday is a good idea. He checked out his handiwork (scar), we chatted about Adeline's labor and delivery, discussed birth control and future pregnancies. Maybe it was because I hadn't had breakfast yet...still getting the hang of timing with a new baby...right now it takes us about an hour and a half to two hours to go from sleeping to out the door. Think that sounds like a long time? I have to shower, get totally dressed and ready, check her diaper bag to make sure everything is together, wake her up, change, feed, change again, put on appropriate going out clothes and THEN we can leave. Phew! For someone who is historically TERRIBLE at forethought, it's quite an exercise. By the time we're all ready to go, I'm ready for a nap.

Like I was saying, maybe it was because I hadn't had breakfast yet, but after all the discussion and the pelvic exam and all that, I was kind of...I don't know...sad? weebed out at the prospect of future babies? make that scared out of my mind of all the complications? overwhelmed because I would like at least one more kid of our own, and would also like to adopt...all of it was too much. Plus I had to focus on my breathing to keep from passing out.  Then add to that the fact that I ran into my midwife yesterday at the gas station...is anyone surprised that I came home, ate lunch, fed the kid and then ended up a weepy mess on the floor by her crib? Sigh.

Recognizing that I needed to do some creative interventions on myself and go back and process Adeline's dramatic entry into the world, I headed off to Hobby Lobby to get some crafting supplies. Thanks to Claire leaving a book on earring making I grabbed some wire and beads and plan to make some jewelry, and then attack a drawing pad with some pastels and colored pencils and whatever else strikes my fancy.

chicken christina

For whatever reason I had a hankering for chicken piccata the other day, so I went to the grocery store to get the appropriate accoutrements and somehow made it back home with neither lemon nor capers. Duh. So with a little wrangling, I came up with something that was super yummy and really close to what I was going for. It's a riff off of this recipe by Giada De Laurentiis. I basically subbed 1/3 c white wine for the lemon juice and then added a splash of vinegar. I ignored all the crazy amounts of butter and went with olive oil in normal amounts, and then added 4 chopped artichoke hearts and a quartered zucchini and cooked 'em a bit before adding the chicken stock and the chicken back to the pan. 

I would've taken pictures but I was too busy devouring the greatness. I will for sure be making this MacGyver-type concoction again.