On Monday I decided to bike to and from the grocery store - it's only about 1.7 miles from my house - so I rigged up my milk crate and set off. I of course got lost, then got anxious, and my first thought was, "Ugh this is taking so long I need to hurry and get there so I can get back and..."
...hang out by myself? I mean really. I giggled at the thought, then got to thinking about all the rushing around we do on a daily basis, mostly for naught. Always looking forward to the next thing instead of being fully present in the...well, the present moment. It's a difficult shift to make, but I've been trying to engage myself fully in each moment with patients, friends, and especially family. If that means turning off my cell phone at lunch or leaving it behind altogether when we go out, then so be it.
It's kind of liberating.
7.29.2008
7.26.2008
with fear and trembling...
I just finished with one of the more interesting nights of my life. I would say coincidental but I don't believe in coincidences, so I'll just tell my story and let you hash it out for yourself.
I've been discontent lately...okay so the last 4 years or so...with my faith. I realized in Spain (I went with Campus Crusade to Granada for two months) that my faith was not a mature one, that it was a faith I gleaned from my parents...but at least a faith that got me through the hardest stuff in my life...seriously, without God, I wouldn't still be alive. So anyway, maybe I'm just lazy but I've been spending the last few years really humming and hawing about my faith - going to lots of different churches, being discontent with anything that didn't live up to the meat & potatoes I got at the little church that met in a mall basement in Granada and I don't know that I'll ever find that again, at least in America. But I'll keep looking. I told Kyle tonight that I feel like spiritually I've been asleep, just kind of drifting, being aware of my ebbing and flowing discontent but not really knowing what to do about it. I'm no longer satisfied with what other books or other people have to say about my relationship with God, what rules I should follow (like reading my Bible and doing a quiet time every single day) in my own relationship with God, relationship with Kyle, etc. I don't want to read any more books on Him, I want to be all up in His business and get to know Him like, you know, personally.
This feels really really ridiculously weird to be writing, because maybe I had this picture in my head that people think I'm some big Christian but I think God has just humbled my heart and said, "dude - seriously? I mean, there's no fruit. You know it, I know it, so quit kidding yourself. Come on over and sit here on this couch and let's have a talk." (by the way I heard a long time ago that God talks to you the way you need to hear it, so I figured it would be okay if God says "dude" and "totally" a lot.)
So anyway, there's kind of the back story. What happened a couple months ago is that my friend Casey invited me & the hubs to go to church with her and her husband and I bailed. Repeatedly. So I moved to Austin for this internship thing and heard that there's podcasts from the church, so I downloaded one and sort of listened to half of it but never really got committed. So then a couple days ago (yesterday maybe?) I went into iTunes to download a movie (The Other Boleyn Girl - SO GOOD.) and bam a podcast from The Village Church popped up. Random - this had never happened before. Tonight I decided to listen to it and it really (surprisingly? Maybe not...) hit all my little nails on all their heads. In like, a creepy, only-God-could-do-this kind of way because check it out: the title of the sermon is "Godly Discontentment." I was all hey that's me but you never know, these tricksy pastors could be talking about anything.
But no, I'm pretty sure this guy has been spying on me and then downloaded the sermon on my computer because it's time for me to wake up.
The sermon is all about 1 Timothy 6:11 where Paul is basically laying right out some beginning steps to exploring that discontentment in God. He says to "flee the riches of the world and to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and gentleness." There's a LOT of all those things I've been struggling with, especially at work, and definitely in my own life. The pastor talked about contentment not equaling complacency and talked about how sometimes a relationship with God is seen like how a guy and a girl start dating and the guy does all this over-the-top stuff like write poetry and give flowers and whatever to win her and then when they get married he stops pursuing her. In the same way we sometimes get lazy and think WHEW I'm saved! Sweet! Now I can relax! Not the case. The dude went on to talk about how this discontentment comes from God and he talks about Philippians 3:12 where we haven't already gotten there, we won't get there until we're reunited with Christ, but in the meantime to always be reaching forward and then there was verse 15 which totally got my attention - that word maturity. So...whoa. Some people aren't going to see it like this at all, but it's like God knows I have been discontent,knows that I want, pray to be closer to Him but have been unclear as to which direction to go in...and then I started looking back on this year - this whole turning 25, not taking crap from folks, figuring out what I stand for, doing the triathlon, being away from Kyle and working towards this goal of internship where every day I am creating my own theories and philosophies of music therapy - and it's like, I needed all that to be going on so that when I heard all this, everything would almost audibly SNAP into place. This would be the second time that I've been humbled by the thought that God might actually be paying attention to me. Weird. If you want the story of the first time, let me know and I'll tell it, because it's pretty funny, but kind of embarrassing.
That was the biggest part that freaked me out the most about the podcast - there's more about how we can forever change people just by loving them and remembering the confession of your youth etc. etc. but the main thing is that I've not been jarred awake, which I think is funny because (you can ask Kyle) if you wake me up the wrong way I get crAnky, but that I've kind of been in a process of waking up over the last couple weeks/months/years. There was another thing I found cool - the pastor referenced something in Phillippians where it says to work out your salvation with fear and trembling...like, it's really okay to do this and have these questions and make your beliefs your own because it's God working through you, wanting you to be more mature and own your faith. I like that.
Funny, the things that'll happen to you on a fast. I hadn't meant for it to be a religious thing but it looks like it was the right time for me and this weekend somehow the clutter has been cleared enough for everything to make sense. Weird, weird, weird. So okay step 1 be nourished in the Word of God - get back to reading and diving in, maybe find a church, maybe find other people to talk this stuff over with (preferably over some coffee or maybe even a beer) and then step 2 put it into practice. I have the feeling I'll be on step 1 for awhile. I have a lot of digging to do.
So yeah, crazy night.
I've been discontent lately...okay so the last 4 years or so...with my faith. I realized in Spain (I went with Campus Crusade to Granada for two months) that my faith was not a mature one, that it was a faith I gleaned from my parents...but at least a faith that got me through the hardest stuff in my life...seriously, without God, I wouldn't still be alive. So anyway, maybe I'm just lazy but I've been spending the last few years really humming and hawing about my faith - going to lots of different churches, being discontent with anything that didn't live up to the meat & potatoes I got at the little church that met in a mall basement in Granada and I don't know that I'll ever find that again, at least in America. But I'll keep looking. I told Kyle tonight that I feel like spiritually I've been asleep, just kind of drifting, being aware of my ebbing and flowing discontent but not really knowing what to do about it. I'm no longer satisfied with what other books or other people have to say about my relationship with God, what rules I should follow (like reading my Bible and doing a quiet time every single day) in my own relationship with God, relationship with Kyle, etc. I don't want to read any more books on Him, I want to be all up in His business and get to know Him like, you know, personally.
This feels really really ridiculously weird to be writing, because maybe I had this picture in my head that people think I'm some big Christian but I think God has just humbled my heart and said, "dude - seriously? I mean, there's no fruit. You know it, I know it, so quit kidding yourself. Come on over and sit here on this couch and let's have a talk." (by the way I heard a long time ago that God talks to you the way you need to hear it, so I figured it would be okay if God says "dude" and "totally" a lot.)
So anyway, there's kind of the back story. What happened a couple months ago is that my friend Casey invited me & the hubs to go to church with her and her husband and I bailed. Repeatedly. So I moved to Austin for this internship thing and heard that there's podcasts from the church, so I downloaded one and sort of listened to half of it but never really got committed. So then a couple days ago (yesterday maybe?) I went into iTunes to download a movie (The Other Boleyn Girl - SO GOOD.) and bam a podcast from The Village Church popped up. Random - this had never happened before. Tonight I decided to listen to it and it really (surprisingly? Maybe not...) hit all my little nails on all their heads. In like, a creepy, only-God-could-do-this kind of way because check it out: the title of the sermon is "Godly Discontentment." I was all hey that's me but you never know, these tricksy pastors could be talking about anything.
But no, I'm pretty sure this guy has been spying on me and then downloaded the sermon on my computer because it's time for me to wake up.
The sermon is all about 1 Timothy 6:11 where Paul is basically laying right out some beginning steps to exploring that discontentment in God. He says to "flee the riches of the world and to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and gentleness." There's a LOT of all those things I've been struggling with, especially at work, and definitely in my own life. The pastor talked about contentment not equaling complacency and talked about how sometimes a relationship with God is seen like how a guy and a girl start dating and the guy does all this over-the-top stuff like write poetry and give flowers and whatever to win her and then when they get married he stops pursuing her. In the same way we sometimes get lazy and think WHEW I'm saved! Sweet! Now I can relax! Not the case. The dude went on to talk about how this discontentment comes from God and he talks about Philippians 3:12 where we haven't already gotten there, we won't get there until we're reunited with Christ, but in the meantime to always be reaching forward and then there was verse 15 which totally got my attention - that word maturity. So...whoa. Some people aren't going to see it like this at all, but it's like God knows I have been discontent,knows that I want, pray to be closer to Him but have been unclear as to which direction to go in...and then I started looking back on this year - this whole turning 25, not taking crap from folks, figuring out what I stand for, doing the triathlon, being away from Kyle and working towards this goal of internship where every day I am creating my own theories and philosophies of music therapy - and it's like, I needed all that to be going on so that when I heard all this, everything would almost audibly SNAP into place. This would be the second time that I've been humbled by the thought that God might actually be paying attention to me. Weird. If you want the story of the first time, let me know and I'll tell it, because it's pretty funny, but kind of embarrassing.
That was the biggest part that freaked me out the most about the podcast - there's more about how we can forever change people just by loving them and remembering the confession of your youth etc. etc. but the main thing is that I've not been jarred awake, which I think is funny because (you can ask Kyle) if you wake me up the wrong way I get crAnky, but that I've kind of been in a process of waking up over the last couple weeks/months/years. There was another thing I found cool - the pastor referenced something in Phillippians where it says to work out your salvation with fear and trembling...like, it's really okay to do this and have these questions and make your beliefs your own because it's God working through you, wanting you to be more mature and own your faith. I like that.
Funny, the things that'll happen to you on a fast. I hadn't meant for it to be a religious thing but it looks like it was the right time for me and this weekend somehow the clutter has been cleared enough for everything to make sense. Weird, weird, weird. So okay step 1 be nourished in the Word of God - get back to reading and diving in, maybe find a church, maybe find other people to talk this stuff over with (preferably over some coffee or maybe even a beer) and then step 2 put it into practice. I have the feeling I'll be on step 1 for awhile. I have a lot of digging to do.
So yeah, crazy night.
7.24.2008
it's almost summer camp time!
Okay - I know I just did a teeny blurb on camp, but here's the extended version. Last year I volunteered for the first time at El Tesoro De La vida, a grief camp for children ages 6 - 16ish who knew someone who died. I at first didn't know what I was getting myself into, only that I knew I loved kids, loved going to summer camp as a kid. The site is beautiful - tucked away in the woods West of Ft. Worth - and primitive. The lower camp (younger kids) cabins do not have electricity and are just really wood boxes with screens over the windows. We sleep on tiny twin-sized cots, the kind with the crinkly plastic cover that are only like 2 inches thick. We shower down the hill a ways, sometimes with frogs or spiders cowering in the corner. At camp there's also equestrian facilities, archery, swimming pools, and a creek that when it's full there's all kinds of good fishing to be had.
When I tell people I'm excited about going to grief camp the first question I usually get is, "Greek camp?" and I say, "No, grief camp. Like, boo-hoo." So then then next question is invariably, "How could anyone be excited about grief camp? Do you just sit around and cry all the time?" Now honestly, if that was the case, do you think I would go back? Heck no. We tell folks that camp is 95% fun camp stuff (smores, staying up late giggling, camp songs, camp food, etc.) and 5% "someone you know died." My job is to be a cabin buddy (since we have actual licensed counselors, we can't say 'camp counselor') and last year (and I think this year) I'm in lower camp with the 8 year old girlies. I'm so stoked, you don't even know.
What you also don't even know is that these kids have been through a ridiculous amount of trauma...sometimes their sibling has died from cancer but sometimes they've witnessed really violent deaths. The crazy thing though is that they're still kids and this camp gives them a place to run around and enjoy...well, being a normal kid...where nobody is going to think they're weird or a freak because they've got all this emotional stuff going on, because everyone else there knows someone who died too. What's even more is that I really REALLY hate creepy crawlies but dude, dealing with a spider in the shower is nothing compared to watching my dad jump out of a car on the highway. This camp gives some serious perspective.
My grandfather had just passed away last year when I went and there's this part at the beginning of camp where alllll the campers and counselors and buddies sit around and the director tells people to stand up if their mom died, then those folks stand up, and then they move on to dad, then siblings, etc. I stood up when they called grandpa, and then later when we were walking with our sweet little cabin, one girl came up, grabbed my hand and looked up at me and said, "My grandpa died too." I was a puddle right then - I just looked at her and said, "Sucks, huh." And she nodded, and we walked some more.
When I tell people I'm excited about going to grief camp the first question I usually get is, "Greek camp?" and I say, "No, grief camp. Like, boo-hoo." So then then next question is invariably, "How could anyone be excited about grief camp? Do you just sit around and cry all the time?" Now honestly, if that was the case, do you think I would go back? Heck no. We tell folks that camp is 95% fun camp stuff (smores, staying up late giggling, camp songs, camp food, etc.) and 5% "someone you know died." My job is to be a cabin buddy (since we have actual licensed counselors, we can't say 'camp counselor') and last year (and I think this year) I'm in lower camp with the 8 year old girlies. I'm so stoked, you don't even know.
What you also don't even know is that these kids have been through a ridiculous amount of trauma...sometimes their sibling has died from cancer but sometimes they've witnessed really violent deaths. The crazy thing though is that they're still kids and this camp gives them a place to run around and enjoy...well, being a normal kid...where nobody is going to think they're weird or a freak because they've got all this emotional stuff going on, because everyone else there knows someone who died too. What's even more is that I really REALLY hate creepy crawlies but dude, dealing with a spider in the shower is nothing compared to watching my dad jump out of a car on the highway. This camp gives some serious perspective.
My grandfather had just passed away last year when I went and there's this part at the beginning of camp where alllll the campers and counselors and buddies sit around and the director tells people to stand up if their mom died, then those folks stand up, and then they move on to dad, then siblings, etc. I stood up when they called grandpa, and then later when we were walking with our sweet little cabin, one girl came up, grabbed my hand and looked up at me and said, "My grandpa died too." I was a puddle right then - I just looked at her and said, "Sucks, huh." And she nodded, and we walked some more.
7.23.2008
cleansing.
Mrs. McGuire (Buecker) and I decided to cleanse our bodies from the inside out, and have embarked on a journey known as the Master Cleanser or lemonade diet. This is day two and I have to admit, it's not that bad. I find a ton of other stuff to do besides eat...however I wouldn't recommend going to a grocery store...I had to get some tea from Central Market today and almost tackled an old lady for her ice cream. It's not that I'm super hungry, though - I just think "MMMMMM that would be SO GOOD right now!" but then I think about all the good I'm doing my body and how awesome that first gulp of soup is going to be in 8 days. I mean, you can do anything for 10 days, yeah?
I'm getting excited about the first week in August - I volunteer for a grief camp called El Tesoro De La Vida (the treasure of life). Last year was my first year and I am absolutely HOOKED.
I'm getting excited about the first week in August - I volunteer for a grief camp called El Tesoro De La Vida (the treasure of life). Last year was my first year and I am absolutely HOOKED.
7.22.2008
this ain't no dress rehearsal
Last night I went to have dinner with my dad in NB - he's always been quite mystified by this whole vegetarian thing. When I told him I was going to stop eating meat, he asked, "So...what do you eat at you know...restaurants?"
Um...vegetables? Is this a trick question?
I was quite pleased that he decided to grill fish last night when I threw him the "please don't grill me a portobello mushroom" curveball at him. After dinner we got in the pool and hung out for awhile and chatted. On the way home I realized that I had a really good time, and decided that I'm going to stop feeling guilty for having a halfway decent relationship with my dad. When I bounced the idea off another relative of mine, they were really really negative about it, saying that I would only have a superficial relationship with him and my stepmom and I'm such an idealist and I HAVE to be a realist about the situation blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I'm just tired of the drama. Life is far too short to carry all this baggage around, and if I'm going to get hurt for being optimistic, then fine. There's no way it could ever hurt as much as it did the first few years, when I felt my world was shattering around me.
The thing is, he's going to be 60 in September, and I don't want to have any regrets these next 20 years. Also to be fair, he's not pulled any crazy stuff since the wedding, so why stir the pot? I just feel so...over it all...and wish to at least try and walk in forgiveness, which I think is a much harder road to walk than stewing in anger.
Um...vegetables? Is this a trick question?
I was quite pleased that he decided to grill fish last night when I threw him the "please don't grill me a portobello mushroom" curveball at him. After dinner we got in the pool and hung out for awhile and chatted. On the way home I realized that I had a really good time, and decided that I'm going to stop feeling guilty for having a halfway decent relationship with my dad. When I bounced the idea off another relative of mine, they were really really negative about it, saying that I would only have a superficial relationship with him and my stepmom and I'm such an idealist and I HAVE to be a realist about the situation blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I'm just tired of the drama. Life is far too short to carry all this baggage around, and if I'm going to get hurt for being optimistic, then fine. There's no way it could ever hurt as much as it did the first few years, when I felt my world was shattering around me.
The thing is, he's going to be 60 in September, and I don't want to have any regrets these next 20 years. Also to be fair, he's not pulled any crazy stuff since the wedding, so why stir the pot? I just feel so...over it all...and wish to at least try and walk in forgiveness, which I think is a much harder road to walk than stewing in anger.
7.21.2008
zoom. possible batman spoiler.
weekend was awesome, filled with family, gardening, a trip to the Dallas Aquarium (I'm pretty sure I have manatee mania - I love those sea cows.), and lots of quality time with the hubs. This was the second time I had to leave my house and I'm finding that parting is less than sweet sorrow when I have to leave my house. Part of it is that we moved in and then a couple weeks later I moved to Austin, and I get so overwhelmed with stuff to do around the house and there's so much to be done...sigh. Plus this was a bit worse 'cos I don't know if I'll see Kyle this coming weekend - we're both really sick of driving but staying put means keeping hundreds of miles between us, and that sucks as well.
The only thing that made stuff slightly better was knowing that at the end of my road trip I got to see The Dark Knight at the Bob Bullock IMAX theater. I thought it was quite possibly the best movie I've ever seen. Seriously. The Joker was definitely multifaceted in his insanity, and I found myself quite sad that it was such a powerful performance, and it was one of Ledger's last. Was anyone paying attention to all the Big Brother messages in the movie and the propaganda? I mean, call me paranoid, but it was totally obvious. (If anyone wants to have an extended conversation about this, Wanted, Wall-E, and the fact that the year that the Olympics are in Beijing is the same year that a Mummy Returns movie is coming out with the premise of little Chinese terra-cotta men taking over the world, I'm down. But I digress...) I was worried that I was going to get motion sickness but really didn't until the end when the Joker's hanging upside down and they move it so he's right-side-up on the screen, still swinging...it made me woozy. Actually, I was shaking and woozy after I got out of the movie, and definitely stayed at a friend's house.
I'm also definitely going to go see it again tomorrow. Rawk.
Tomorrow also begins mine and Michelle's 10-day Master Cleanser fast. I've already downed my lovely laxative tea and have a quart of water all ready to go for the morning. Wish me...well...I'm not sure luck is going to do it this time. Wish me...endurance.
The only thing that made stuff slightly better was knowing that at the end of my road trip I got to see The Dark Knight at the Bob Bullock IMAX theater. I thought it was quite possibly the best movie I've ever seen. Seriously. The Joker was definitely multifaceted in his insanity, and I found myself quite sad that it was such a powerful performance, and it was one of Ledger's last. Was anyone paying attention to all the Big Brother messages in the movie and the propaganda? I mean, call me paranoid, but it was totally obvious. (If anyone wants to have an extended conversation about this, Wanted, Wall-E, and the fact that the year that the Olympics are in Beijing is the same year that a Mummy Returns movie is coming out with the premise of little Chinese terra-cotta men taking over the world, I'm down. But I digress...) I was worried that I was going to get motion sickness but really didn't until the end when the Joker's hanging upside down and they move it so he's right-side-up on the screen, still swinging...it made me woozy. Actually, I was shaking and woozy after I got out of the movie, and definitely stayed at a friend's house.
I'm also definitely going to go see it again tomorrow. Rawk.
Tomorrow also begins mine and Michelle's 10-day Master Cleanser fast. I've already downed my lovely laxative tea and have a quart of water all ready to go for the morning. Wish me...well...I'm not sure luck is going to do it this time. Wish me...endurance.
7.16.2008
I Smell a Rat...
...in my kitchen. Yes, ladies and gents, not only do I live in a house where I kill a roach nearly every other day (at least they're no longer the Chernobyl-flies that Kyle and I diligently killed the first two weeks I was here), there's a rat. I haven't seen it, but my two housemates have seen it, and various others. Blegh. After the exterminator comes Monday I'm hosing the whole damn place down with bleach.
I did Bikram for a second time and I swear my knees are getting stronger. I can't believe I like this stuff and subject my body to it at least once a week. I love it so much I'm contemplating cleaning the place for 2-3 hours once a week just to get unlimited yoga. The power is dizzying.
I did Bikram for a second time and I swear my knees are getting stronger. I can't believe I like this stuff and subject my body to it at least once a week. I love it so much I'm contemplating cleaning the place for 2-3 hours once a week just to get unlimited yoga. The power is dizzying.
7.15.2008
better every day
I've gotten so much done in the past day or so that it's mindblowing. All the loose ends that needed to be tied up for me scholastically are in the works - it took some biting of bullets and humility on my part, but it's better. I'm feeling far less overwhelmed, thank you so much for the awesome comments and love and such. I've also made a real attempt at cleaning my car out - you know it's serious when that happens.
7.13.2008
Operation QFA.
Yes, friends. Operation Quit F*ing Around.
I went to Houston this past weekend for *yet* another wedding and had a fantastic time just relaxing and doing net to nothing all day Saturday with the hubs and good friends. PLUS I met sweet baby Caroline...we did some hanging out, smiling together, and I taught her how to stick her feet in her mouth. Quite a productive Saturday :)
Caroline's momma is one of those girlfriends you always wish you had, especially when the girls you've previously known have been not very good at being friends. She's always had a knack for keeping me honest...I think the first thing she told me when I met her was she threatened my life if I ever broke Kyle's heart (they've been friends since high school). We got to talking about how uber organized she's gotten since having the baby and I had a good two hours to chew on one statement: "I was always really organized at work so I realized that I was capable of it, I was just lazy in my personal life." It quite literally struck me how true that is for me, how I've gotten amazing at making excuses. I'm great at excuses. Late for work? Traffic. Always, whether it was because I woke up at 7:30 or didn't get to bed until 1am the night before. Don't want to workout? It's hot/humid/my knee hurts/I nearly barfed last time. Woke up late? Not 'I decided 30 more minutes was critical to my survival and the survival of the human race' but my alarm didn't go off. Seriously. If you've got a situation, I've got an excuse. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest.
I have been frustrated lately because I do a lot of talking and not a lot of walking in a few areas of my life. I need to get my spiritual life back on track...it's been a zillion years since I've been to church and there is a aching, Jesus-sized hole in my heart right now. I could post on this for hours and hours, about how figuring out my own religion/etc. has been really interesting, especially since going to Spain, how different Kyle's and my upbringing was really different and how finding a church that satisfies the hippie in me and the conservative in him has been quite a trip. It all really boils down to me knowing and realizing that I have no doubt in my mind that I love God and Jesus and I always will, but listening to other people/books/opinions on how I should live my life just aren't really doing it for me. The problem is that the tools I used in high school and college aren't doing it for me either. So now what? I don't know.
Work-wise, I could be really digging in a whole lot more. I could be researching more, being more organized with planning my sessions, practicing more, reading up on psychiatric music therapy, and so on. I think part of this is realizing that this is my life's passion and I could be really, really, REALLY good at what I do, and it kind of freaks my crap out. Like, I want to be the brainy girl, but so many people throughout my life have doubted me, and that stuff stings. It's this crazy cycle of believing in myself, being confident in my instincts and being okay with making mistakes and then being wrought with doubt over every interaction, activity and written word...to the point that it nearly paralyzes me. And then it cycles back. Weird.
Also, I'm a disorganized piece of work, but just in my personal life, which is all kinds of frustrating. When I was younger my family shamed my "tail" - the trail of destruction I would leave through the house as I wandered through it during the day. These days I'm more organized, but I'll still lose things like my keys, my wallet, some important document so I can graduate. My friend Haley once asked, "Is it frustrating, being you?" The answer (as I'm sure I've written before in this blog) is YES. GOD YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
You might be wanting to shake me because I've got this misperception of myself, but trust me, I don't. My first inclination is to download yet another episode of gossip girl and watch it 'til I get sleepy, but I know I've got laundry to do, reading to take care of, and a journal to start.
In college I hit a rebellious patch where I would make excuses for my behavior based on the crazyness of my life. Kelli said a phrase yesterday that echoed what I said when I got tired many years ago of hurting myself and those around me: "I don't have to be that girl." I came home and nearly panicked because there are some deadlines I have ignored, important documents I have to find or else I cannot continue working on my thesis, and by golly, I freaking need some more work clothes, but have been too scared/lazy to face any of it and in the mean time have been running around having a fantastic social life in Austin but have been kind of ignoring the nagging feeling that something's off, that as grownup and awesome as I think I am, there's still a lot of work to be done. I guess this is what I get for praying for humility. Sigh. So, I made a list and I started crossing things off that list. I even went to Kohl's and bought some new black capris because my old ones are literally coming apart at the seams.
I figure that I can only go forward.
I went to Houston this past weekend for *yet* another wedding and had a fantastic time just relaxing and doing net to nothing all day Saturday with the hubs and good friends. PLUS I met sweet baby Caroline...we did some hanging out, smiling together, and I taught her how to stick her feet in her mouth. Quite a productive Saturday :)
Caroline's momma is one of those girlfriends you always wish you had, especially when the girls you've previously known have been not very good at being friends. She's always had a knack for keeping me honest...I think the first thing she told me when I met her was she threatened my life if I ever broke Kyle's heart (they've been friends since high school). We got to talking about how uber organized she's gotten since having the baby and I had a good two hours to chew on one statement: "I was always really organized at work so I realized that I was capable of it, I was just lazy in my personal life." It quite literally struck me how true that is for me, how I've gotten amazing at making excuses. I'm great at excuses. Late for work? Traffic. Always, whether it was because I woke up at 7:30 or didn't get to bed until 1am the night before. Don't want to workout? It's hot/humid/my knee hurts/I nearly barfed last time. Woke up late? Not 'I decided 30 more minutes was critical to my survival and the survival of the human race' but my alarm didn't go off. Seriously. If you've got a situation, I've got an excuse. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest.
I have been frustrated lately because I do a lot of talking and not a lot of walking in a few areas of my life. I need to get my spiritual life back on track...it's been a zillion years since I've been to church and there is a aching, Jesus-sized hole in my heart right now. I could post on this for hours and hours, about how figuring out my own religion/etc. has been really interesting, especially since going to Spain, how different Kyle's and my upbringing was really different and how finding a church that satisfies the hippie in me and the conservative in him has been quite a trip. It all really boils down to me knowing and realizing that I have no doubt in my mind that I love God and Jesus and I always will, but listening to other people/books/opinions on how I should live my life just aren't really doing it for me. The problem is that the tools I used in high school and college aren't doing it for me either. So now what? I don't know.
Work-wise, I could be really digging in a whole lot more. I could be researching more, being more organized with planning my sessions, practicing more, reading up on psychiatric music therapy, and so on. I think part of this is realizing that this is my life's passion and I could be really, really, REALLY good at what I do, and it kind of freaks my crap out. Like, I want to be the brainy girl, but so many people throughout my life have doubted me, and that stuff stings. It's this crazy cycle of believing in myself, being confident in my instincts and being okay with making mistakes and then being wrought with doubt over every interaction, activity and written word...to the point that it nearly paralyzes me. And then it cycles back. Weird.
Also, I'm a disorganized piece of work, but just in my personal life, which is all kinds of frustrating. When I was younger my family shamed my "tail" - the trail of destruction I would leave through the house as I wandered through it during the day. These days I'm more organized, but I'll still lose things like my keys, my wallet, some important document so I can graduate. My friend Haley once asked, "Is it frustrating, being you?" The answer (as I'm sure I've written before in this blog) is YES. GOD YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
You might be wanting to shake me because I've got this misperception of myself, but trust me, I don't. My first inclination is to download yet another episode of gossip girl and watch it 'til I get sleepy, but I know I've got laundry to do, reading to take care of, and a journal to start.
In college I hit a rebellious patch where I would make excuses for my behavior based on the crazyness of my life. Kelli said a phrase yesterday that echoed what I said when I got tired many years ago of hurting myself and those around me: "I don't have to be that girl." I came home and nearly panicked because there are some deadlines I have ignored, important documents I have to find or else I cannot continue working on my thesis, and by golly, I freaking need some more work clothes, but have been too scared/lazy to face any of it and in the mean time have been running around having a fantastic social life in Austin but have been kind of ignoring the nagging feeling that something's off, that as grownup and awesome as I think I am, there's still a lot of work to be done. I guess this is what I get for praying for humility. Sigh. So, I made a list and I started crossing things off that list. I even went to Kohl's and bought some new black capris because my old ones are literally coming apart at the seams.
I figure that I can only go forward.
7.10.2008
posting once a day is hard!
My allergies have finally caught up with me. I've not been sleeping well lately...on Tuesday night after my crazy yoga session I was so wired that I went to my cousin's show and stayed out 'til 2am. Thankfully I woke up the next morning like *BING!* I also stayed out last night, but this morning I woke up totally stuffy - part of the reason is that the mold in Austin is in the moderate range, I guess from the rain and such. Yesterday I went to Zilker to run (4 miles! Yay!) and then went BACK for Blues on the Green and started sneezing. \
I've never been much of a morning person but I find that when I get about 7-8 hours of sleep I feel like a zombie (K likes to go to bed around 10:30 and wake up at 6:30) but if I go to bed around midnight and wake up at like 6:30 I'm much better off. Does this make sense to anyone else?
Blegh.
I've never been much of a morning person but I find that when I get about 7-8 hours of sleep I feel like a zombie (K likes to go to bed around 10:30 and wake up at 6:30) but if I go to bed around midnight and wake up at like 6:30 I'm much better off. Does this make sense to anyone else?
Blegh.
7.08.2008
have you ever...
done hot yoga with 49 other sweaty individuals in North Austin with a teacher guy who at the beginning of the class you thought "hey he's kind of cute in a granola-eating-hemp-wearing-kinda-way" and at the end of class contemplating running up to him in the middle of shivasina and ripping his too-big earrings out?
'cos I have. And it sucked. I made it maybe halfway through the class and I got really, REALLY dizzy so had to sit out most of it. I would sit, take some deep breaths, then try to get up again only to be accosted by MORE dizziness and at one point some blood pounding in my head so hard I couldn't sit up straight. Of course, there was a $28 for a month of unlimited yoga deal going on and I shopped like a woman ie: figured HEY! Isn't all Bikram the same (I looove my studio in Richardson/Dallas) and also an acquaintance of mine is launching an "assault on (her) body with (her) body" which sounds like a lovely idea to me...I'm tired of making excuses for my weight, tired tired tired of not liking what I see in the mirror, tired of saying "well maybe next year/month/week..."
What I should've said in the Fat Genes post was that Carlos and I discussed that we come from a fatty family. It's true - lots of my extended relatives have had what they call "the surgery" (gastric bypass) and unfortunately I have only heard of one who has really changed her life/eating habits/way of viewing herself as a result. I don't think I'll ever let myself get that far, but my point is that if I want to go in the skinny direction under my own power, I have all the tools I need right here...my hands, my brains, my legs, and my love of the outdoors. The thing that is most difficult for me is the eating. I know I must exercise portion control, I know that I must workout at least 30 minutes every SINGLE DAY or else everything goes to crap. Carlos let me in on the secret that we just have to work a lot harder than everyone else does at this losing-weight thing because of our fatty fat genes. I'm also convinced that our thyroid issues that run in the family also have something to do with it.
The other, kind of shallow thought that I have is that right now I weigh around 165. I just Googled "average pregnancy weight gain" and it's between 25 and 35 pounds and I just really REALLY don't ever want to weigh over 200 pounds, or anywhere near it. So here goes. Assault time.
'cos I have. And it sucked. I made it maybe halfway through the class and I got really, REALLY dizzy so had to sit out most of it. I would sit, take some deep breaths, then try to get up again only to be accosted by MORE dizziness and at one point some blood pounding in my head so hard I couldn't sit up straight. Of course, there was a $28 for a month of unlimited yoga deal going on and I shopped like a woman ie: figured HEY! Isn't all Bikram the same (I looove my studio in Richardson/Dallas) and also an acquaintance of mine is launching an "assault on (her) body with (her) body" which sounds like a lovely idea to me...I'm tired of making excuses for my weight, tired tired tired of not liking what I see in the mirror, tired of saying "well maybe next year/month/week..."
What I should've said in the Fat Genes post was that Carlos and I discussed that we come from a fatty family. It's true - lots of my extended relatives have had what they call "the surgery" (gastric bypass) and unfortunately I have only heard of one who has really changed her life/eating habits/way of viewing herself as a result. I don't think I'll ever let myself get that far, but my point is that if I want to go in the skinny direction under my own power, I have all the tools I need right here...my hands, my brains, my legs, and my love of the outdoors. The thing that is most difficult for me is the eating. I know I must exercise portion control, I know that I must workout at least 30 minutes every SINGLE DAY or else everything goes to crap. Carlos let me in on the secret that we just have to work a lot harder than everyone else does at this losing-weight thing because of our fatty fat genes. I'm also convinced that our thyroid issues that run in the family also have something to do with it.
The other, kind of shallow thought that I have is that right now I weigh around 165. I just Googled "average pregnancy weight gain" and it's between 25 and 35 pounds and I just really REALLY don't ever want to weigh over 200 pounds, or anywhere near it. So here goes. Assault time.
7.07.2008
this morning...
When your schedule gets crazy and you start doing things like locking your keys in your car, losing cell phones, etc., we call it "pulling a Bill" after my supervisor in Dallas who was prone to such incidents. I've been Bill-ing all morning.
First, I woke at 6am, determined to work out, shower, then catch the bus. The alarm went off and I got up, got ready, got to work, only to realize that it was a dream. I jerked awake at 7am cursing my imagination. Speaking of realizations, I had tried to remember to take my wallet out of Kyle's glove box yesterday before he drove back to Dallas yesterday but alas in a flash of comprehension right before I started tearing my room apart to look for it, my wallet whispered my name. Loudly. Because it was in Dallas. Shoot. I called Kyle to confirm and sure enough there it was in the glove box. I promised to call him from the car because I was at that point running a few minutes late for work when I discovered, yes, I was out of gas. Like, drove home with the light on last week after Michelle & Cody's wedding. Luckily I found a $5 which got me a whole 1.2 gallons and then came to work, eager to dive into a cup of French Roast courtesy of my supervisor. But alas, I had forgotten to dump out some coffee from last Wednesday, so all I saw when I looked into my cup were two floating roaches.
yeah. I threw that cup away.
First, I woke at 6am, determined to work out, shower, then catch the bus. The alarm went off and I got up, got ready, got to work, only to realize that it was a dream. I jerked awake at 7am cursing my imagination. Speaking of realizations, I had tried to remember to take my wallet out of Kyle's glove box yesterday before he drove back to Dallas yesterday but alas in a flash of comprehension right before I started tearing my room apart to look for it, my wallet whispered my name. Loudly. Because it was in Dallas. Shoot. I called Kyle to confirm and sure enough there it was in the glove box. I promised to call him from the car because I was at that point running a few minutes late for work when I discovered, yes, I was out of gas. Like, drove home with the light on last week after Michelle & Cody's wedding. Luckily I found a $5 which got me a whole 1.2 gallons and then came to work, eager to dive into a cup of French Roast courtesy of my supervisor. But alas, I had forgotten to dump out some coffee from last Wednesday, so all I saw when I looked into my cup were two floating roaches.
yeah. I threw that cup away.
7.06.2008
Whirlwind Wedding Weekend
I am laying in bed at 4:30pm on Sunday, trying to decide if I want to pass out or get up and do something. The jury's been out for at least an hour thusfar. Sunday night I ended up staying out late at a bachelorette party and on the way home convinced Kyle that staying home instead of driving to McAllen for our second wedding of the weekend was a good idea...I was exhausted. I knew he really wanted to go to the wedding though so we decided to reconsider in the morning...about 8 or 9am so we could get there early and get ready. Well, I woke up at 10:15am and FREAKED out because we were running late - Kyle had decided to let me sleep! I felt so ridiculously guilty that I started grabbing stuff and we got in the car and 5 hours later we were in McAllen! Why is communication so difficult sometimes?!
7.03.2008
super wedding weekend!
Last night was Cody & Michelle's rehearsal dinner, tonight is the wedding - and I get to see Kyle and I'm stoked because I didn't see him last weekend - and tomorrow is one of my favorite holidays (due entirely to the presence of fireworks) plus a bachelorette party and hanging out with some girls I haven't seen in way too long :) Then Saturday we're packing up and headed to McAllen for the Carter/Medina wedding! We're staying down there that night of course, then we'll be back on Sunday. Phew. I'll post pics soon I promise :)
7.02.2008
I have a fever...
sometimes I get in super practicing modes - seriously, this is one of those times. I'm inspired by my supervisors because they all have mad guitar/frame drumming/drumming/singing/improvisational skills and I feel not that I'm so far behind but that I have so much to keep learning and learning and learning. I learned bar (barr?) chords this morning and am learning a song I've wanted to learn since high school (Jewel's Morning Song) because I now know a) how to play the guitar and b) my supervisor came in and threw down the chords for me. It was exhilarating.
Did I mention that I love this internship? Seriously.
Did I mention that I love this internship? Seriously.
Music Therapy Step 1: Plug in the CD Player.
It's lunchtime and I'm laying on my bed trying to relax for a few more minutes before going back to work. I came all the way down south for lunch because I had to pick up my bridesmaids dress for the Buecker/McGuire wedding...too bad my dress won't be done 'til tomorrow...no stress.
My very first session of the day was way interesting - I've temporarily taken over for an art therapist who resigned so I decided to do some passive music listening with drawing to transition between art and music therapy. In the first 5 minutes two patients got in a fight and one started screaming...I didn't think it was effecting me but I looked down and my hands were shaking as I tried to get markers from my bag. Once things got settled down I asked them if they knew what Friday was (they mostly got it right) and I asked them to draw 4th of July pictures. Then I went to put a CD of Whitney Houston singing the Star Spangled Banner and the CD player wouldn't work. I pushed every button, checked the cords going to the stereo, everything. My supervisor's supervisor, who was there helping me get settled in asked, "Well, is it plugged in?" I nodded yes because I had plugged it in when we first gotten there but it had apparently gotten unplugged in the chaos. Doh.
Everyone participated for the most part...one person drew an eagle, someone else drew hot dogs and watermelon...the patient who usually draws inappropriate stuff was in rare form today and showed me all kinds of um...drawings. The experience was definitely a lesson in boundaries - one of the patients got demoted a level for touching my bum. I hardly noticed because the space is tight and I was scooting through some chairs.
Anyhow - woohoo! First session down. I also did a really cool one-on-one session with an elderly patient who has beautiful, gnarled hands, today who has problems talking but has a fantastic singing voice. It was way inspiring for many reasons. He sometimes has delusions and tries to say he's God or Jesus and the thought that struck me was "well...so what if he is?" Loving the unloved/unlovable is part of the job description, yeah?
7.01.2008
Post a Day
I'm going to see if I can post at least once every day in July. I know I haven't been writing much about my internship but it's mostly because I don't know what is okay to write about and what is not. Also, I've been learning loads about myself and am trying to work all this stuff out in other ways, like journaling, getting back in touch with God and of course, going out dancing as much as I can handle.
But I do know that if taboo crap goes down I can always have a Quote of the Day (too bad it's not May). So here's a couple to get you through your day:
But I do know that if taboo crap goes down I can always have a Quote of the Day (too bad it's not May). So here's a couple to get you through your day:
(from last week)
Therapist: "So your brother is a preacher?"
Patient: "No, my brother is a heathen shit."
*you'd have to know the woman who said it to think it's as hilarious as falling out of a chair warranted, but I nearly did just that.
Therapist: "So your brother is a preacher?"
Patient: "No, my brother is a heathen shit."
*you'd have to know the woman who said it to think it's as hilarious as falling out of a chair warranted, but I nearly did just that.
June 1st
"Awesome dead possum" - Educator Sub guy
"Awesome dead possum" - Educator Sub guy
Jason Mraz
No Bretteness, my cousin isn't Jason Mraz - I get weird enough looks from people when I tell them my cousin (the one on the left - your left, not their left) is super hot but I'm sure people would look at me like I'm downright crazy when I said I had a mad hott crush on my cousin because oh by the way he's Jason Mraz. I mean, that would be incestuous and totally gross. Totally awesome, but totally gross.
No, Carlos and the rest of the Grooveline is on tour as Jason's horn section. I was suprised to read on Jason's site that he's really influenced by Bob Schneider. It's all about the degrees of separation in the music world, seems like. By the way, if you like reading blogs, you should read his. They're clever and sometimes include little songs he writes.
No, Carlos and the rest of the Grooveline is on tour as Jason's horn section. I was suprised to read on Jason's site that he's really influenced by Bob Schneider. It's all about the degrees of separation in the music world, seems like. By the way, if you like reading blogs, you should read his. They're clever and sometimes include little songs he writes.
6.23.2008
fat genes
my cousin has me hooked on running at Town...er...Lady Bird Lake.
i like running with him - (did i just say "i like" and "running" in the same sentence? my we've come a long way haven't we) we make each other laugh...i run like a turtle with asthma and he air drums solos. i'm going to really miss him when he's on tour.
6.20.2008
i think i broke my foot.
my left foot started hurting last weekend when i was wearing heels...shooting pains in my arch. They were intense when I wore heels but subsided when I wore flats. Tonight after running 4 miles I went dancing and in the middle of a salsa WHAM pain shot through my foot. Should I go to the doctor? Probably...
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