Oh well - I blogged twice yesterday and this is probably going to be short anyway. I had a really crazy day today. It was LBJ Day *snicker* so at work we had half staff there doing fun stuff with the patients. I made some killer parfaits (Stoneyfield farms I heart your vanilla goodness) and then had some lunch (totally self-medicated via veggie burger, but that's a whole other blog post) then went to play with the kiddos where I told one that we'd be doing music therapy just me and him and he said, "OH MY GOD. CAN I HUG YOU? I'M GOING TO HYPERVENTILATE...CAN I HUG YOU?" It was cute, and yes it was the kid that yelled at me last week. Say some prayers, I'm going to need 'em.
Then I went BACK to specialty and then came BACK to play Catch Phrase with the older girls. Fabulous. Then I came home and passed out really hard until about 6:30pm, when I went to pick up Kate and work on the crossword, then go to yoga, then hang out with the fabulous Kelly Cline at the Speakeasy for some dancing (and free drinks from cute boys!)
I've been in an incredibly sad funk this week - part of it stems from reading the kids' charts, then the other day when one said they wanted me to adopt them and I've just really been (in a needy-girl kind of way) missing the heck out of Kyle. Being away from the one you love dearly is not at all a walk in the park, and I knew that going into this. It just hurts. And is halfway over.
8.26.2008
Being in Austin when school starts back up...
...really really screws with the traffic. It also made me think of my first day of college and then I read a post that inspired what follows:
Dear Christina of 7 years ago,
Welcome to your first day of college! I know the room you're staying in is ridiculously tiny, but you'll so make it work :) and I know you don't appreciate it yet, but being so close to West Campus and Kinsolving Late Nite will make for some super fun nights with your roommate. You don't know it yet, but you'll realize at the end of this year that it's not going to work out with this roommate but you'll still live with her next year anyway and then you'll live with someone who right now you think you'd never live with 'cos she's so dorky but guess what! she's going to be your best friend and bridesmaid in 5 years.
That's right, I said it, you're getting married! But, not to your boyfriend of the past 3 years. When it comes time to let him go (and let's face it, you already know that now is the time), it's going to really totally suck, but let him go gracefully. And, have at least one real big fight with him and get out all that stuff you want to tell him because you'll just hold it in and then one day seven years from now when you see a picture of him kissing his brand new baby boy all that stuff will become insignificant but you'll sort of still wish you'd have said it.
Anyway, I know that you're so not the girl that wants to get married right out of college but this guy you've already met (doesn't that just drive you nuts?!) is totally the man you've been praying for. You won't realize it at first, and you're going to screw up pretty huge, but this man will ultimately save your life and show you what real, unconditional love is supposed to be like. Also, you get some really amazing in-laws as part of the deal :)
You've fought so hard for your place at the UT School of Music and I just want to let you know how proud of you I am! For the love of all things good and holy, DO YOUR THEORY HOMEWORK AND STUDY FOR MUSIC HISTORY and just to make life a little easier, practice your clarinet at least an hour every day. That way, when you decide that you want to get your master's degree in music therapy, you'll be even more amazing than you already are and you'll be able to mean it when you tell that flute professor off. Don't get wrapped up in all the egos and the competition, just put your head down and do what you've been given ridiculous amounts of talent to do: play and use that fantastically smart brain of yours.
Next year is going to be really hard and confusing for you and I've got three words for you, "Just say no." Learn how to be just friends, it'll so be worth it in the end. Call your best friend Haley more often, really get into SAI and don't be afraid to let those girls into your world. Oh, and minor in psychology. Either that or don't wait 'til the last minute to do that MIS project for that business degree you won't need because of your fabulous husband. Also, know when to cut and run from a toxic friendship. It'll save you some big heartbreak. Make those Dr. Hanna fan club shirts you're gonna want to make. Don't waste your time on drama or people who are nasty to you for no reason. Keep going to that little Spanish church God leads you to. Go visit your grandpa in Florida and at the very least, in 2006 when you get that feeling you should go down to Florida and skip out on work, I'm begging you to go. GO.
I know you're hurt and angry and searching and hopeful and girl let me tell you - all those things you've been hurting over: family, love, loss, friendships - you're going to make it and you will be a strong, beautiful woman because of it. One last thing: don't be so uptight - really live in and enjoy the moment and for goodness sakes STUDY! Mostly, the good news is that you'll get there (here?) so remember that through the bumps and valleys that I'm totally rooting for you, and again, you're going to make it.
Love,
You.
Dear Christina of 7 years ago,
Welcome to your first day of college! I know the room you're staying in is ridiculously tiny, but you'll so make it work :) and I know you don't appreciate it yet, but being so close to West Campus and Kinsolving Late Nite will make for some super fun nights with your roommate. You don't know it yet, but you'll realize at the end of this year that it's not going to work out with this roommate but you'll still live with her next year anyway and then you'll live with someone who right now you think you'd never live with 'cos she's so dorky but guess what! she's going to be your best friend and bridesmaid in 5 years.
That's right, I said it, you're getting married! But, not to your boyfriend of the past 3 years. When it comes time to let him go (and let's face it, you already know that now is the time), it's going to really totally suck, but let him go gracefully. And, have at least one real big fight with him and get out all that stuff you want to tell him because you'll just hold it in and then one day seven years from now when you see a picture of him kissing his brand new baby boy all that stuff will become insignificant but you'll sort of still wish you'd have said it.
Anyway, I know that you're so not the girl that wants to get married right out of college but this guy you've already met (doesn't that just drive you nuts?!) is totally the man you've been praying for. You won't realize it at first, and you're going to screw up pretty huge, but this man will ultimately save your life and show you what real, unconditional love is supposed to be like. Also, you get some really amazing in-laws as part of the deal :)
You've fought so hard for your place at the UT School of Music and I just want to let you know how proud of you I am! For the love of all things good and holy, DO YOUR THEORY HOMEWORK AND STUDY FOR MUSIC HISTORY and just to make life a little easier, practice your clarinet at least an hour every day. That way, when you decide that you want to get your master's degree in music therapy, you'll be even more amazing than you already are and you'll be able to mean it when you tell that flute professor off. Don't get wrapped up in all the egos and the competition, just put your head down and do what you've been given ridiculous amounts of talent to do: play and use that fantastically smart brain of yours.
Next year is going to be really hard and confusing for you and I've got three words for you, "Just say no." Learn how to be just friends, it'll so be worth it in the end. Call your best friend Haley more often, really get into SAI and don't be afraid to let those girls into your world. Oh, and minor in psychology. Either that or don't wait 'til the last minute to do that MIS project for that business degree you won't need because of your fabulous husband. Also, know when to cut and run from a toxic friendship. It'll save you some big heartbreak. Make those Dr. Hanna fan club shirts you're gonna want to make. Don't waste your time on drama or people who are nasty to you for no reason. Keep going to that little Spanish church God leads you to. Go visit your grandpa in Florida and at the very least, in 2006 when you get that feeling you should go down to Florida and skip out on work, I'm begging you to go. GO.
I know you're hurt and angry and searching and hopeful and girl let me tell you - all those things you've been hurting over: family, love, loss, friendships - you're going to make it and you will be a strong, beautiful woman because of it. One last thing: don't be so uptight - really live in and enjoy the moment and for goodness sakes STUDY! Mostly, the good news is that you'll get there (here?) so remember that through the bumps and valleys that I'm totally rooting for you, and again, you're going to make it.
Love,
You.
ups and downs
Down: Principal in charge of my thesis scores didn't tell me when she Emailed me this summer that she's not WORKING THERE ANY MORE. Need to go up on Thursday night/Friday morning to get all that junk straightened out with new principal.
Up: Friday off! FOUR DAY WEEKEND WITH MY HUBS!
Down: Kid says to me in group today about some scribbles done on paper, "These are adoption papers so you can adopt me."
Up: Kick ass blues-writing group on Monday.
Down: Someone quite close to me may have cancer.
Up: Got music therapy 1 on 1 with a kid who totally TOTALLY needs it. That starts Thursday.
Down: Fell asleep at 7:30 last night, slept through roomies coming home from tour.
Up: Freaking got like 11 hours of sleep last night.
Up: Friday off! FOUR DAY WEEKEND WITH MY HUBS!
Down: Kid says to me in group today about some scribbles done on paper, "These are adoption papers so you can adopt me."
Up: Kick ass blues-writing group on Monday.
Down: Someone quite close to me may have cancer.
Up: Got music therapy 1 on 1 with a kid who totally TOTALLY needs it. That starts Thursday.
Down: Fell asleep at 7:30 last night, slept through roomies coming home from tour.
Up: Freaking got like 11 hours of sleep last night.
8.22.2008
Mad World
I think it's ironic that someone who grew up as sheltered as I did now works in a State Hospital. And loves it. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not shocked any more...as a matter of fact last Friday I read a story in one of my patient's files that was so horrible that I had to lay down on the ground to keep from throwing up.
Friday I also got screamed at by a kid in my 9 am session - that was a first. He was mad because we were playing a game and he was out and the string of forceful expletives that rolled angrily out of his mouth was amazing. What else was kind of amazing was that it didn't rattle me as much as I thought it would. I just said, "Sorry dude, those are the rules, I didn't make them up." He pouted for awhile, then rejoined the game. Anyway, I work a lot with the young kids at the hospital and also with the adolescent girls. I was looking up chords on chordie.com and learned Gary Jules' "Mad World" and it sums up a lot of what I deal with every day. So here you go:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Friday I also got screamed at by a kid in my 9 am session - that was a first. He was mad because we were playing a game and he was out and the string of forceful expletives that rolled angrily out of his mouth was amazing. What else was kind of amazing was that it didn't rattle me as much as I thought it would. I just said, "Sorry dude, those are the rules, I didn't make them up." He pouted for awhile, then rejoined the game. Anyway, I work a lot with the young kids at the hospital and also with the adolescent girls. I was looking up chords on chordie.com and learned Gary Jules' "Mad World" and it sums up a lot of what I deal with every day. So here you go:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
8.21.2008
I can't believe I'm saying this...
especially because in HS I was not very good at being friends with girls but...dude, my Austin girls have been my rock lately. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't hang out with the McGuires 8 out of my first 9 days in Austin. I don't know what I would do without Ev & Kate letting me crash at their place either because I was freaked out by Batman or because I had no hot water and Ev, the weekly lunch dates keep me going, especially on Mondays. You girls are the bomb dot com and I can just hope to be half the kind of good friend that you ladies are to me, I don't know if I could make it down here doing this internship without you.
Actually I know I couldn't. I owe 98% of my sanity to you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And wine glass. ;oP
Actually I know I couldn't. I owe 98% of my sanity to you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And wine glass. ;oP
oops.
Suze totally burned me yesterday with the question, "What about posting once a day?" Dang. Maybe I'll try again in September. September means month 4 of my 6 month internship. I can't believe I'm almost done. That's crazy. CRAZY. I took a day off today 'cos I woke up with a headache, fire in my throat, and ungodly amounts of multicolored mucus coming out of my nose.
Yummy, I know.
Yummy, I know.
8.15.2008
my own worst enemy :)
ha - I just realized that that title means several different things right now! The universe has really been kicking my butt this week. I stubbed my right toe so that part of my nail came off a couple days ago, then slammed my left ring and middle fingers in the front door yesterday and then that night stubbed my right to agAIN so now there's even more taken off my toenail and ALL that has been backdropped by the fact that when I got home from camp on Monday, not only was there a dead rat on the glue trap in the pantry (thank goodness my mom found it else I would have barfed...then freaked out...then barfed again) BUT THERE WAS NO HOT WATER. After showers at friends houses and many invigoratingly chilly morning showers at home, I finally got around to trying to cook on our gas stove. Hm. No gas. Carlos's manager SWORE that the gas bill had been paid, but after some phone calls it was discovered that said bill was actually paid LATE and therefore I won't have hot water 'til FREAKING TUESDAY.
Ask me again why I have to pay rent? I mean, really.
The other meaning to the title is that I had a couple good music therapy sessions this week and a couple craptacular ones and today I figured out the problem: me.
I mean, I know that's the obvious answer, and it's not that I'm a crap therapist, because I know at the very least I am empathetic as all get out which is essential - it's that I overanalyze every. little. exchange. and want SO BADLY to be really really good at this that it's almost crippling. I'm learning to let things go and maybe it's just an age thing but identifying that Evil Inner Critic has become essential to my development as a therapist. I have a book called The Artist's Way that deals with exactly that, and I've been humming and hawing over doing it...I'll start, then quit due to time constraints, then start again to no avail...it's a little like trying to give up bread. Or...Dr. Pepper. Maybe that's the reason I've been reluctant to write about my internship on here (yeah, it's been nearly 3 whole months and I've not breathed a substantial word about the amazing experience I'm having down here) so, that will change too.
Ask me again why I have to pay rent? I mean, really.
The other meaning to the title is that I had a couple good music therapy sessions this week and a couple craptacular ones and today I figured out the problem: me.
I mean, I know that's the obvious answer, and it's not that I'm a crap therapist, because I know at the very least I am empathetic as all get out which is essential - it's that I overanalyze every. little. exchange. and want SO BADLY to be really really good at this that it's almost crippling. I'm learning to let things go and maybe it's just an age thing but identifying that Evil Inner Critic has become essential to my development as a therapist. I have a book called The Artist's Way that deals with exactly that, and I've been humming and hawing over doing it...I'll start, then quit due to time constraints, then start again to no avail...it's a little like trying to give up bread. Or...Dr. Pepper. Maybe that's the reason I've been reluctant to write about my internship on here (yeah, it's been nearly 3 whole months and I've not breathed a substantial word about the amazing experience I'm having down here) so, that will change too.
8.09.2008
7.29.2008
what's the rush?
On Monday I decided to bike to and from the grocery store - it's only about 1.7 miles from my house - so I rigged up my milk crate and set off. I of course got lost, then got anxious, and my first thought was, "Ugh this is taking so long I need to hurry and get there so I can get back and..."
...hang out by myself? I mean really. I giggled at the thought, then got to thinking about all the rushing around we do on a daily basis, mostly for naught. Always looking forward to the next thing instead of being fully present in the...well, the present moment. It's a difficult shift to make, but I've been trying to engage myself fully in each moment with patients, friends, and especially family. If that means turning off my cell phone at lunch or leaving it behind altogether when we go out, then so be it.
It's kind of liberating.
...hang out by myself? I mean really. I giggled at the thought, then got to thinking about all the rushing around we do on a daily basis, mostly for naught. Always looking forward to the next thing instead of being fully present in the...well, the present moment. It's a difficult shift to make, but I've been trying to engage myself fully in each moment with patients, friends, and especially family. If that means turning off my cell phone at lunch or leaving it behind altogether when we go out, then so be it.
It's kind of liberating.
7.26.2008
with fear and trembling...
I just finished with one of the more interesting nights of my life. I would say coincidental but I don't believe in coincidences, so I'll just tell my story and let you hash it out for yourself.
I've been discontent lately...okay so the last 4 years or so...with my faith. I realized in Spain (I went with Campus Crusade to Granada for two months) that my faith was not a mature one, that it was a faith I gleaned from my parents...but at least a faith that got me through the hardest stuff in my life...seriously, without God, I wouldn't still be alive. So anyway, maybe I'm just lazy but I've been spending the last few years really humming and hawing about my faith - going to lots of different churches, being discontent with anything that didn't live up to the meat & potatoes I got at the little church that met in a mall basement in Granada and I don't know that I'll ever find that again, at least in America. But I'll keep looking. I told Kyle tonight that I feel like spiritually I've been asleep, just kind of drifting, being aware of my ebbing and flowing discontent but not really knowing what to do about it. I'm no longer satisfied with what other books or other people have to say about my relationship with God, what rules I should follow (like reading my Bible and doing a quiet time every single day) in my own relationship with God, relationship with Kyle, etc. I don't want to read any more books on Him, I want to be all up in His business and get to know Him like, you know, personally.
This feels really really ridiculously weird to be writing, because maybe I had this picture in my head that people think I'm some big Christian but I think God has just humbled my heart and said, "dude - seriously? I mean, there's no fruit. You know it, I know it, so quit kidding yourself. Come on over and sit here on this couch and let's have a talk." (by the way I heard a long time ago that God talks to you the way you need to hear it, so I figured it would be okay if God says "dude" and "totally" a lot.)
So anyway, there's kind of the back story. What happened a couple months ago is that my friend Casey invited me & the hubs to go to church with her and her husband and I bailed. Repeatedly. So I moved to Austin for this internship thing and heard that there's podcasts from the church, so I downloaded one and sort of listened to half of it but never really got committed. So then a couple days ago (yesterday maybe?) I went into iTunes to download a movie (The Other Boleyn Girl - SO GOOD.) and bam a podcast from The Village Church popped up. Random - this had never happened before. Tonight I decided to listen to it and it really (surprisingly? Maybe not...) hit all my little nails on all their heads. In like, a creepy, only-God-could-do-this kind of way because check it out: the title of the sermon is "Godly Discontentment." I was all hey that's me but you never know, these tricksy pastors could be talking about anything.
But no, I'm pretty sure this guy has been spying on me and then downloaded the sermon on my computer because it's time for me to wake up.
The sermon is all about 1 Timothy 6:11 where Paul is basically laying right out some beginning steps to exploring that discontentment in God. He says to "flee the riches of the world and to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and gentleness." There's a LOT of all those things I've been struggling with, especially at work, and definitely in my own life. The pastor talked about contentment not equaling complacency and talked about how sometimes a relationship with God is seen like how a guy and a girl start dating and the guy does all this over-the-top stuff like write poetry and give flowers and whatever to win her and then when they get married he stops pursuing her. In the same way we sometimes get lazy and think WHEW I'm saved! Sweet! Now I can relax! Not the case. The dude went on to talk about how this discontentment comes from God and he talks about Philippians 3:12 where we haven't already gotten there, we won't get there until we're reunited with Christ, but in the meantime to always be reaching forward and then there was verse 15 which totally got my attention - that word maturity. So...whoa. Some people aren't going to see it like this at all, but it's like God knows I have been discontent,knows that I want, pray to be closer to Him but have been unclear as to which direction to go in...and then I started looking back on this year - this whole turning 25, not taking crap from folks, figuring out what I stand for, doing the triathlon, being away from Kyle and working towards this goal of internship where every day I am creating my own theories and philosophies of music therapy - and it's like, I needed all that to be going on so that when I heard all this, everything would almost audibly SNAP into place. This would be the second time that I've been humbled by the thought that God might actually be paying attention to me. Weird. If you want the story of the first time, let me know and I'll tell it, because it's pretty funny, but kind of embarrassing.
That was the biggest part that freaked me out the most about the podcast - there's more about how we can forever change people just by loving them and remembering the confession of your youth etc. etc. but the main thing is that I've not been jarred awake, which I think is funny because (you can ask Kyle) if you wake me up the wrong way I get crAnky, but that I've kind of been in a process of waking up over the last couple weeks/months/years. There was another thing I found cool - the pastor referenced something in Phillippians where it says to work out your salvation with fear and trembling...like, it's really okay to do this and have these questions and make your beliefs your own because it's God working through you, wanting you to be more mature and own your faith. I like that.
Funny, the things that'll happen to you on a fast. I hadn't meant for it to be a religious thing but it looks like it was the right time for me and this weekend somehow the clutter has been cleared enough for everything to make sense. Weird, weird, weird. So okay step 1 be nourished in the Word of God - get back to reading and diving in, maybe find a church, maybe find other people to talk this stuff over with (preferably over some coffee or maybe even a beer) and then step 2 put it into practice. I have the feeling I'll be on step 1 for awhile. I have a lot of digging to do.
So yeah, crazy night.
I've been discontent lately...okay so the last 4 years or so...with my faith. I realized in Spain (I went with Campus Crusade to Granada for two months) that my faith was not a mature one, that it was a faith I gleaned from my parents...but at least a faith that got me through the hardest stuff in my life...seriously, without God, I wouldn't still be alive. So anyway, maybe I'm just lazy but I've been spending the last few years really humming and hawing about my faith - going to lots of different churches, being discontent with anything that didn't live up to the meat & potatoes I got at the little church that met in a mall basement in Granada and I don't know that I'll ever find that again, at least in America. But I'll keep looking. I told Kyle tonight that I feel like spiritually I've been asleep, just kind of drifting, being aware of my ebbing and flowing discontent but not really knowing what to do about it. I'm no longer satisfied with what other books or other people have to say about my relationship with God, what rules I should follow (like reading my Bible and doing a quiet time every single day) in my own relationship with God, relationship with Kyle, etc. I don't want to read any more books on Him, I want to be all up in His business and get to know Him like, you know, personally.
This feels really really ridiculously weird to be writing, because maybe I had this picture in my head that people think I'm some big Christian but I think God has just humbled my heart and said, "dude - seriously? I mean, there's no fruit. You know it, I know it, so quit kidding yourself. Come on over and sit here on this couch and let's have a talk." (by the way I heard a long time ago that God talks to you the way you need to hear it, so I figured it would be okay if God says "dude" and "totally" a lot.)
So anyway, there's kind of the back story. What happened a couple months ago is that my friend Casey invited me & the hubs to go to church with her and her husband and I bailed. Repeatedly. So I moved to Austin for this internship thing and heard that there's podcasts from the church, so I downloaded one and sort of listened to half of it but never really got committed. So then a couple days ago (yesterday maybe?) I went into iTunes to download a movie (The Other Boleyn Girl - SO GOOD.) and bam a podcast from The Village Church popped up. Random - this had never happened before. Tonight I decided to listen to it and it really (surprisingly? Maybe not...) hit all my little nails on all their heads. In like, a creepy, only-God-could-do-this kind of way because check it out: the title of the sermon is "Godly Discontentment." I was all hey that's me but you never know, these tricksy pastors could be talking about anything.
But no, I'm pretty sure this guy has been spying on me and then downloaded the sermon on my computer because it's time for me to wake up.
The sermon is all about 1 Timothy 6:11 where Paul is basically laying right out some beginning steps to exploring that discontentment in God. He says to "flee the riches of the world and to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and gentleness." There's a LOT of all those things I've been struggling with, especially at work, and definitely in my own life. The pastor talked about contentment not equaling complacency and talked about how sometimes a relationship with God is seen like how a guy and a girl start dating and the guy does all this over-the-top stuff like write poetry and give flowers and whatever to win her and then when they get married he stops pursuing her. In the same way we sometimes get lazy and think WHEW I'm saved! Sweet! Now I can relax! Not the case. The dude went on to talk about how this discontentment comes from God and he talks about Philippians 3:12 where we haven't already gotten there, we won't get there until we're reunited with Christ, but in the meantime to always be reaching forward and then there was verse 15 which totally got my attention - that word maturity. So...whoa. Some people aren't going to see it like this at all, but it's like God knows I have been discontent,knows that I want, pray to be closer to Him but have been unclear as to which direction to go in...and then I started looking back on this year - this whole turning 25, not taking crap from folks, figuring out what I stand for, doing the triathlon, being away from Kyle and working towards this goal of internship where every day I am creating my own theories and philosophies of music therapy - and it's like, I needed all that to be going on so that when I heard all this, everything would almost audibly SNAP into place. This would be the second time that I've been humbled by the thought that God might actually be paying attention to me. Weird. If you want the story of the first time, let me know and I'll tell it, because it's pretty funny, but kind of embarrassing.
That was the biggest part that freaked me out the most about the podcast - there's more about how we can forever change people just by loving them and remembering the confession of your youth etc. etc. but the main thing is that I've not been jarred awake, which I think is funny because (you can ask Kyle) if you wake me up the wrong way I get crAnky, but that I've kind of been in a process of waking up over the last couple weeks/months/years. There was another thing I found cool - the pastor referenced something in Phillippians where it says to work out your salvation with fear and trembling...like, it's really okay to do this and have these questions and make your beliefs your own because it's God working through you, wanting you to be more mature and own your faith. I like that.
Funny, the things that'll happen to you on a fast. I hadn't meant for it to be a religious thing but it looks like it was the right time for me and this weekend somehow the clutter has been cleared enough for everything to make sense. Weird, weird, weird. So okay step 1 be nourished in the Word of God - get back to reading and diving in, maybe find a church, maybe find other people to talk this stuff over with (preferably over some coffee or maybe even a beer) and then step 2 put it into practice. I have the feeling I'll be on step 1 for awhile. I have a lot of digging to do.
So yeah, crazy night.
7.24.2008
it's almost summer camp time!
Okay - I know I just did a teeny blurb on camp, but here's the extended version. Last year I volunteered for the first time at El Tesoro De La vida, a grief camp for children ages 6 - 16ish who knew someone who died. I at first didn't know what I was getting myself into, only that I knew I loved kids, loved going to summer camp as a kid. The site is beautiful - tucked away in the woods West of Ft. Worth - and primitive. The lower camp (younger kids) cabins do not have electricity and are just really wood boxes with screens over the windows. We sleep on tiny twin-sized cots, the kind with the crinkly plastic cover that are only like 2 inches thick. We shower down the hill a ways, sometimes with frogs or spiders cowering in the corner. At camp there's also equestrian facilities, archery, swimming pools, and a creek that when it's full there's all kinds of good fishing to be had.
When I tell people I'm excited about going to grief camp the first question I usually get is, "Greek camp?" and I say, "No, grief camp. Like, boo-hoo." So then then next question is invariably, "How could anyone be excited about grief camp? Do you just sit around and cry all the time?" Now honestly, if that was the case, do you think I would go back? Heck no. We tell folks that camp is 95% fun camp stuff (smores, staying up late giggling, camp songs, camp food, etc.) and 5% "someone you know died." My job is to be a cabin buddy (since we have actual licensed counselors, we can't say 'camp counselor') and last year (and I think this year) I'm in lower camp with the 8 year old girlies. I'm so stoked, you don't even know.
What you also don't even know is that these kids have been through a ridiculous amount of trauma...sometimes their sibling has died from cancer but sometimes they've witnessed really violent deaths. The crazy thing though is that they're still kids and this camp gives them a place to run around and enjoy...well, being a normal kid...where nobody is going to think they're weird or a freak because they've got all this emotional stuff going on, because everyone else there knows someone who died too. What's even more is that I really REALLY hate creepy crawlies but dude, dealing with a spider in the shower is nothing compared to watching my dad jump out of a car on the highway. This camp gives some serious perspective.
My grandfather had just passed away last year when I went and there's this part at the beginning of camp where alllll the campers and counselors and buddies sit around and the director tells people to stand up if their mom died, then those folks stand up, and then they move on to dad, then siblings, etc. I stood up when they called grandpa, and then later when we were walking with our sweet little cabin, one girl came up, grabbed my hand and looked up at me and said, "My grandpa died too." I was a puddle right then - I just looked at her and said, "Sucks, huh." And she nodded, and we walked some more.
When I tell people I'm excited about going to grief camp the first question I usually get is, "Greek camp?" and I say, "No, grief camp. Like, boo-hoo." So then then next question is invariably, "How could anyone be excited about grief camp? Do you just sit around and cry all the time?" Now honestly, if that was the case, do you think I would go back? Heck no. We tell folks that camp is 95% fun camp stuff (smores, staying up late giggling, camp songs, camp food, etc.) and 5% "someone you know died." My job is to be a cabin buddy (since we have actual licensed counselors, we can't say 'camp counselor') and last year (and I think this year) I'm in lower camp with the 8 year old girlies. I'm so stoked, you don't even know.
What you also don't even know is that these kids have been through a ridiculous amount of trauma...sometimes their sibling has died from cancer but sometimes they've witnessed really violent deaths. The crazy thing though is that they're still kids and this camp gives them a place to run around and enjoy...well, being a normal kid...where nobody is going to think they're weird or a freak because they've got all this emotional stuff going on, because everyone else there knows someone who died too. What's even more is that I really REALLY hate creepy crawlies but dude, dealing with a spider in the shower is nothing compared to watching my dad jump out of a car on the highway. This camp gives some serious perspective.
My grandfather had just passed away last year when I went and there's this part at the beginning of camp where alllll the campers and counselors and buddies sit around and the director tells people to stand up if their mom died, then those folks stand up, and then they move on to dad, then siblings, etc. I stood up when they called grandpa, and then later when we were walking with our sweet little cabin, one girl came up, grabbed my hand and looked up at me and said, "My grandpa died too." I was a puddle right then - I just looked at her and said, "Sucks, huh." And she nodded, and we walked some more.
7.23.2008
cleansing.
Mrs. McGuire (Buecker) and I decided to cleanse our bodies from the inside out, and have embarked on a journey known as the Master Cleanser or lemonade diet. This is day two and I have to admit, it's not that bad. I find a ton of other stuff to do besides eat...however I wouldn't recommend going to a grocery store...I had to get some tea from Central Market today and almost tackled an old lady for her ice cream. It's not that I'm super hungry, though - I just think "MMMMMM that would be SO GOOD right now!" but then I think about all the good I'm doing my body and how awesome that first gulp of soup is going to be in 8 days. I mean, you can do anything for 10 days, yeah?
I'm getting excited about the first week in August - I volunteer for a grief camp called El Tesoro De La Vida (the treasure of life). Last year was my first year and I am absolutely HOOKED.
I'm getting excited about the first week in August - I volunteer for a grief camp called El Tesoro De La Vida (the treasure of life). Last year was my first year and I am absolutely HOOKED.
7.22.2008
this ain't no dress rehearsal
Last night I went to have dinner with my dad in NB - he's always been quite mystified by this whole vegetarian thing. When I told him I was going to stop eating meat, he asked, "So...what do you eat at you know...restaurants?"
Um...vegetables? Is this a trick question?
I was quite pleased that he decided to grill fish last night when I threw him the "please don't grill me a portobello mushroom" curveball at him. After dinner we got in the pool and hung out for awhile and chatted. On the way home I realized that I had a really good time, and decided that I'm going to stop feeling guilty for having a halfway decent relationship with my dad. When I bounced the idea off another relative of mine, they were really really negative about it, saying that I would only have a superficial relationship with him and my stepmom and I'm such an idealist and I HAVE to be a realist about the situation blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I'm just tired of the drama. Life is far too short to carry all this baggage around, and if I'm going to get hurt for being optimistic, then fine. There's no way it could ever hurt as much as it did the first few years, when I felt my world was shattering around me.
The thing is, he's going to be 60 in September, and I don't want to have any regrets these next 20 years. Also to be fair, he's not pulled any crazy stuff since the wedding, so why stir the pot? I just feel so...over it all...and wish to at least try and walk in forgiveness, which I think is a much harder road to walk than stewing in anger.
Um...vegetables? Is this a trick question?
I was quite pleased that he decided to grill fish last night when I threw him the "please don't grill me a portobello mushroom" curveball at him. After dinner we got in the pool and hung out for awhile and chatted. On the way home I realized that I had a really good time, and decided that I'm going to stop feeling guilty for having a halfway decent relationship with my dad. When I bounced the idea off another relative of mine, they were really really negative about it, saying that I would only have a superficial relationship with him and my stepmom and I'm such an idealist and I HAVE to be a realist about the situation blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I'm just tired of the drama. Life is far too short to carry all this baggage around, and if I'm going to get hurt for being optimistic, then fine. There's no way it could ever hurt as much as it did the first few years, when I felt my world was shattering around me.
The thing is, he's going to be 60 in September, and I don't want to have any regrets these next 20 years. Also to be fair, he's not pulled any crazy stuff since the wedding, so why stir the pot? I just feel so...over it all...and wish to at least try and walk in forgiveness, which I think is a much harder road to walk than stewing in anger.
7.21.2008
zoom. possible batman spoiler.
weekend was awesome, filled with family, gardening, a trip to the Dallas Aquarium (I'm pretty sure I have manatee mania - I love those sea cows.), and lots of quality time with the hubs. This was the second time I had to leave my house and I'm finding that parting is less than sweet sorrow when I have to leave my house. Part of it is that we moved in and then a couple weeks later I moved to Austin, and I get so overwhelmed with stuff to do around the house and there's so much to be done...sigh. Plus this was a bit worse 'cos I don't know if I'll see Kyle this coming weekend - we're both really sick of driving but staying put means keeping hundreds of miles between us, and that sucks as well.
The only thing that made stuff slightly better was knowing that at the end of my road trip I got to see The Dark Knight at the Bob Bullock IMAX theater. I thought it was quite possibly the best movie I've ever seen. Seriously. The Joker was definitely multifaceted in his insanity, and I found myself quite sad that it was such a powerful performance, and it was one of Ledger's last. Was anyone paying attention to all the Big Brother messages in the movie and the propaganda? I mean, call me paranoid, but it was totally obvious. (If anyone wants to have an extended conversation about this, Wanted, Wall-E, and the fact that the year that the Olympics are in Beijing is the same year that a Mummy Returns movie is coming out with the premise of little Chinese terra-cotta men taking over the world, I'm down. But I digress...) I was worried that I was going to get motion sickness but really didn't until the end when the Joker's hanging upside down and they move it so he's right-side-up on the screen, still swinging...it made me woozy. Actually, I was shaking and woozy after I got out of the movie, and definitely stayed at a friend's house.
I'm also definitely going to go see it again tomorrow. Rawk.
Tomorrow also begins mine and Michelle's 10-day Master Cleanser fast. I've already downed my lovely laxative tea and have a quart of water all ready to go for the morning. Wish me...well...I'm not sure luck is going to do it this time. Wish me...endurance.
The only thing that made stuff slightly better was knowing that at the end of my road trip I got to see The Dark Knight at the Bob Bullock IMAX theater. I thought it was quite possibly the best movie I've ever seen. Seriously. The Joker was definitely multifaceted in his insanity, and I found myself quite sad that it was such a powerful performance, and it was one of Ledger's last. Was anyone paying attention to all the Big Brother messages in the movie and the propaganda? I mean, call me paranoid, but it was totally obvious. (If anyone wants to have an extended conversation about this, Wanted, Wall-E, and the fact that the year that the Olympics are in Beijing is the same year that a Mummy Returns movie is coming out with the premise of little Chinese terra-cotta men taking over the world, I'm down. But I digress...) I was worried that I was going to get motion sickness but really didn't until the end when the Joker's hanging upside down and they move it so he's right-side-up on the screen, still swinging...it made me woozy. Actually, I was shaking and woozy after I got out of the movie, and definitely stayed at a friend's house.
I'm also definitely going to go see it again tomorrow. Rawk.
Tomorrow also begins mine and Michelle's 10-day Master Cleanser fast. I've already downed my lovely laxative tea and have a quart of water all ready to go for the morning. Wish me...well...I'm not sure luck is going to do it this time. Wish me...endurance.
7.16.2008
I Smell a Rat...
...in my kitchen. Yes, ladies and gents, not only do I live in a house where I kill a roach nearly every other day (at least they're no longer the Chernobyl-flies that Kyle and I diligently killed the first two weeks I was here), there's a rat. I haven't seen it, but my two housemates have seen it, and various others. Blegh. After the exterminator comes Monday I'm hosing the whole damn place down with bleach.
I did Bikram for a second time and I swear my knees are getting stronger. I can't believe I like this stuff and subject my body to it at least once a week. I love it so much I'm contemplating cleaning the place for 2-3 hours once a week just to get unlimited yoga. The power is dizzying.
I did Bikram for a second time and I swear my knees are getting stronger. I can't believe I like this stuff and subject my body to it at least once a week. I love it so much I'm contemplating cleaning the place for 2-3 hours once a week just to get unlimited yoga. The power is dizzying.
7.15.2008
better every day
I've gotten so much done in the past day or so that it's mindblowing. All the loose ends that needed to be tied up for me scholastically are in the works - it took some biting of bullets and humility on my part, but it's better. I'm feeling far less overwhelmed, thank you so much for the awesome comments and love and such. I've also made a real attempt at cleaning my car out - you know it's serious when that happens.
7.13.2008
Operation QFA.
Yes, friends. Operation Quit F*ing Around.
I went to Houston this past weekend for *yet* another wedding and had a fantastic time just relaxing and doing net to nothing all day Saturday with the hubs and good friends. PLUS I met sweet baby Caroline...we did some hanging out, smiling together, and I taught her how to stick her feet in her mouth. Quite a productive Saturday :)
Caroline's momma is one of those girlfriends you always wish you had, especially when the girls you've previously known have been not very good at being friends. She's always had a knack for keeping me honest...I think the first thing she told me when I met her was she threatened my life if I ever broke Kyle's heart (they've been friends since high school). We got to talking about how uber organized she's gotten since having the baby and I had a good two hours to chew on one statement: "I was always really organized at work so I realized that I was capable of it, I was just lazy in my personal life." It quite literally struck me how true that is for me, how I've gotten amazing at making excuses. I'm great at excuses. Late for work? Traffic. Always, whether it was because I woke up at 7:30 or didn't get to bed until 1am the night before. Don't want to workout? It's hot/humid/my knee hurts/I nearly barfed last time. Woke up late? Not 'I decided 30 more minutes was critical to my survival and the survival of the human race' but my alarm didn't go off. Seriously. If you've got a situation, I've got an excuse. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest.
I have been frustrated lately because I do a lot of talking and not a lot of walking in a few areas of my life. I need to get my spiritual life back on track...it's been a zillion years since I've been to church and there is a aching, Jesus-sized hole in my heart right now. I could post on this for hours and hours, about how figuring out my own religion/etc. has been really interesting, especially since going to Spain, how different Kyle's and my upbringing was really different and how finding a church that satisfies the hippie in me and the conservative in him has been quite a trip. It all really boils down to me knowing and realizing that I have no doubt in my mind that I love God and Jesus and I always will, but listening to other people/books/opinions on how I should live my life just aren't really doing it for me. The problem is that the tools I used in high school and college aren't doing it for me either. So now what? I don't know.
Work-wise, I could be really digging in a whole lot more. I could be researching more, being more organized with planning my sessions, practicing more, reading up on psychiatric music therapy, and so on. I think part of this is realizing that this is my life's passion and I could be really, really, REALLY good at what I do, and it kind of freaks my crap out. Like, I want to be the brainy girl, but so many people throughout my life have doubted me, and that stuff stings. It's this crazy cycle of believing in myself, being confident in my instincts and being okay with making mistakes and then being wrought with doubt over every interaction, activity and written word...to the point that it nearly paralyzes me. And then it cycles back. Weird.
Also, I'm a disorganized piece of work, but just in my personal life, which is all kinds of frustrating. When I was younger my family shamed my "tail" - the trail of destruction I would leave through the house as I wandered through it during the day. These days I'm more organized, but I'll still lose things like my keys, my wallet, some important document so I can graduate. My friend Haley once asked, "Is it frustrating, being you?" The answer (as I'm sure I've written before in this blog) is YES. GOD YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
You might be wanting to shake me because I've got this misperception of myself, but trust me, I don't. My first inclination is to download yet another episode of gossip girl and watch it 'til I get sleepy, but I know I've got laundry to do, reading to take care of, and a journal to start.
In college I hit a rebellious patch where I would make excuses for my behavior based on the crazyness of my life. Kelli said a phrase yesterday that echoed what I said when I got tired many years ago of hurting myself and those around me: "I don't have to be that girl." I came home and nearly panicked because there are some deadlines I have ignored, important documents I have to find or else I cannot continue working on my thesis, and by golly, I freaking need some more work clothes, but have been too scared/lazy to face any of it and in the mean time have been running around having a fantastic social life in Austin but have been kind of ignoring the nagging feeling that something's off, that as grownup and awesome as I think I am, there's still a lot of work to be done. I guess this is what I get for praying for humility. Sigh. So, I made a list and I started crossing things off that list. I even went to Kohl's and bought some new black capris because my old ones are literally coming apart at the seams.
I figure that I can only go forward.
I went to Houston this past weekend for *yet* another wedding and had a fantastic time just relaxing and doing net to nothing all day Saturday with the hubs and good friends. PLUS I met sweet baby Caroline...we did some hanging out, smiling together, and I taught her how to stick her feet in her mouth. Quite a productive Saturday :)
Caroline's momma is one of those girlfriends you always wish you had, especially when the girls you've previously known have been not very good at being friends. She's always had a knack for keeping me honest...I think the first thing she told me when I met her was she threatened my life if I ever broke Kyle's heart (they've been friends since high school). We got to talking about how uber organized she's gotten since having the baby and I had a good two hours to chew on one statement: "I was always really organized at work so I realized that I was capable of it, I was just lazy in my personal life." It quite literally struck me how true that is for me, how I've gotten amazing at making excuses. I'm great at excuses. Late for work? Traffic. Always, whether it was because I woke up at 7:30 or didn't get to bed until 1am the night before. Don't want to workout? It's hot/humid/my knee hurts/I nearly barfed last time. Woke up late? Not 'I decided 30 more minutes was critical to my survival and the survival of the human race' but my alarm didn't go off. Seriously. If you've got a situation, I've got an excuse. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest.
I have been frustrated lately because I do a lot of talking and not a lot of walking in a few areas of my life. I need to get my spiritual life back on track...it's been a zillion years since I've been to church and there is a aching, Jesus-sized hole in my heart right now. I could post on this for hours and hours, about how figuring out my own religion/etc. has been really interesting, especially since going to Spain, how different Kyle's and my upbringing was really different and how finding a church that satisfies the hippie in me and the conservative in him has been quite a trip. It all really boils down to me knowing and realizing that I have no doubt in my mind that I love God and Jesus and I always will, but listening to other people/books/opinions on how I should live my life just aren't really doing it for me. The problem is that the tools I used in high school and college aren't doing it for me either. So now what? I don't know.
Work-wise, I could be really digging in a whole lot more. I could be researching more, being more organized with planning my sessions, practicing more, reading up on psychiatric music therapy, and so on. I think part of this is realizing that this is my life's passion and I could be really, really, REALLY good at what I do, and it kind of freaks my crap out. Like, I want to be the brainy girl, but so many people throughout my life have doubted me, and that stuff stings. It's this crazy cycle of believing in myself, being confident in my instincts and being okay with making mistakes and then being wrought with doubt over every interaction, activity and written word...to the point that it nearly paralyzes me. And then it cycles back. Weird.
Also, I'm a disorganized piece of work, but just in my personal life, which is all kinds of frustrating. When I was younger my family shamed my "tail" - the trail of destruction I would leave through the house as I wandered through it during the day. These days I'm more organized, but I'll still lose things like my keys, my wallet, some important document so I can graduate. My friend Haley once asked, "Is it frustrating, being you?" The answer (as I'm sure I've written before in this blog) is YES. GOD YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
You might be wanting to shake me because I've got this misperception of myself, but trust me, I don't. My first inclination is to download yet another episode of gossip girl and watch it 'til I get sleepy, but I know I've got laundry to do, reading to take care of, and a journal to start.
In college I hit a rebellious patch where I would make excuses for my behavior based on the crazyness of my life. Kelli said a phrase yesterday that echoed what I said when I got tired many years ago of hurting myself and those around me: "I don't have to be that girl." I came home and nearly panicked because there are some deadlines I have ignored, important documents I have to find or else I cannot continue working on my thesis, and by golly, I freaking need some more work clothes, but have been too scared/lazy to face any of it and in the mean time have been running around having a fantastic social life in Austin but have been kind of ignoring the nagging feeling that something's off, that as grownup and awesome as I think I am, there's still a lot of work to be done. I guess this is what I get for praying for humility. Sigh. So, I made a list and I started crossing things off that list. I even went to Kohl's and bought some new black capris because my old ones are literally coming apart at the seams.
I figure that I can only go forward.
7.10.2008
posting once a day is hard!
My allergies have finally caught up with me. I've not been sleeping well lately...on Tuesday night after my crazy yoga session I was so wired that I went to my cousin's show and stayed out 'til 2am. Thankfully I woke up the next morning like *BING!* I also stayed out last night, but this morning I woke up totally stuffy - part of the reason is that the mold in Austin is in the moderate range, I guess from the rain and such. Yesterday I went to Zilker to run (4 miles! Yay!) and then went BACK for Blues on the Green and started sneezing. \
I've never been much of a morning person but I find that when I get about 7-8 hours of sleep I feel like a zombie (K likes to go to bed around 10:30 and wake up at 6:30) but if I go to bed around midnight and wake up at like 6:30 I'm much better off. Does this make sense to anyone else?
Blegh.
I've never been much of a morning person but I find that when I get about 7-8 hours of sleep I feel like a zombie (K likes to go to bed around 10:30 and wake up at 6:30) but if I go to bed around midnight and wake up at like 6:30 I'm much better off. Does this make sense to anyone else?
Blegh.
7.08.2008
have you ever...
done hot yoga with 49 other sweaty individuals in North Austin with a teacher guy who at the beginning of the class you thought "hey he's kind of cute in a granola-eating-hemp-wearing-kinda-way" and at the end of class contemplating running up to him in the middle of shivasina and ripping his too-big earrings out?
'cos I have. And it sucked. I made it maybe halfway through the class and I got really, REALLY dizzy so had to sit out most of it. I would sit, take some deep breaths, then try to get up again only to be accosted by MORE dizziness and at one point some blood pounding in my head so hard I couldn't sit up straight. Of course, there was a $28 for a month of unlimited yoga deal going on and I shopped like a woman ie: figured HEY! Isn't all Bikram the same (I looove my studio in Richardson/Dallas) and also an acquaintance of mine is launching an "assault on (her) body with (her) body" which sounds like a lovely idea to me...I'm tired of making excuses for my weight, tired tired tired of not liking what I see in the mirror, tired of saying "well maybe next year/month/week..."
What I should've said in the Fat Genes post was that Carlos and I discussed that we come from a fatty family. It's true - lots of my extended relatives have had what they call "the surgery" (gastric bypass) and unfortunately I have only heard of one who has really changed her life/eating habits/way of viewing herself as a result. I don't think I'll ever let myself get that far, but my point is that if I want to go in the skinny direction under my own power, I have all the tools I need right here...my hands, my brains, my legs, and my love of the outdoors. The thing that is most difficult for me is the eating. I know I must exercise portion control, I know that I must workout at least 30 minutes every SINGLE DAY or else everything goes to crap. Carlos let me in on the secret that we just have to work a lot harder than everyone else does at this losing-weight thing because of our fatty fat genes. I'm also convinced that our thyroid issues that run in the family also have something to do with it.
The other, kind of shallow thought that I have is that right now I weigh around 165. I just Googled "average pregnancy weight gain" and it's between 25 and 35 pounds and I just really REALLY don't ever want to weigh over 200 pounds, or anywhere near it. So here goes. Assault time.
'cos I have. And it sucked. I made it maybe halfway through the class and I got really, REALLY dizzy so had to sit out most of it. I would sit, take some deep breaths, then try to get up again only to be accosted by MORE dizziness and at one point some blood pounding in my head so hard I couldn't sit up straight. Of course, there was a $28 for a month of unlimited yoga deal going on and I shopped like a woman ie: figured HEY! Isn't all Bikram the same (I looove my studio in Richardson/Dallas) and also an acquaintance of mine is launching an "assault on (her) body with (her) body" which sounds like a lovely idea to me...I'm tired of making excuses for my weight, tired tired tired of not liking what I see in the mirror, tired of saying "well maybe next year/month/week..."
What I should've said in the Fat Genes post was that Carlos and I discussed that we come from a fatty family. It's true - lots of my extended relatives have had what they call "the surgery" (gastric bypass) and unfortunately I have only heard of one who has really changed her life/eating habits/way of viewing herself as a result. I don't think I'll ever let myself get that far, but my point is that if I want to go in the skinny direction under my own power, I have all the tools I need right here...my hands, my brains, my legs, and my love of the outdoors. The thing that is most difficult for me is the eating. I know I must exercise portion control, I know that I must workout at least 30 minutes every SINGLE DAY or else everything goes to crap. Carlos let me in on the secret that we just have to work a lot harder than everyone else does at this losing-weight thing because of our fatty fat genes. I'm also convinced that our thyroid issues that run in the family also have something to do with it.
The other, kind of shallow thought that I have is that right now I weigh around 165. I just Googled "average pregnancy weight gain" and it's between 25 and 35 pounds and I just really REALLY don't ever want to weigh over 200 pounds, or anywhere near it. So here goes. Assault time.
7.07.2008
this morning...
When your schedule gets crazy and you start doing things like locking your keys in your car, losing cell phones, etc., we call it "pulling a Bill" after my supervisor in Dallas who was prone to such incidents. I've been Bill-ing all morning.
First, I woke at 6am, determined to work out, shower, then catch the bus. The alarm went off and I got up, got ready, got to work, only to realize that it was a dream. I jerked awake at 7am cursing my imagination. Speaking of realizations, I had tried to remember to take my wallet out of Kyle's glove box yesterday before he drove back to Dallas yesterday but alas in a flash of comprehension right before I started tearing my room apart to look for it, my wallet whispered my name. Loudly. Because it was in Dallas. Shoot. I called Kyle to confirm and sure enough there it was in the glove box. I promised to call him from the car because I was at that point running a few minutes late for work when I discovered, yes, I was out of gas. Like, drove home with the light on last week after Michelle & Cody's wedding. Luckily I found a $5 which got me a whole 1.2 gallons and then came to work, eager to dive into a cup of French Roast courtesy of my supervisor. But alas, I had forgotten to dump out some coffee from last Wednesday, so all I saw when I looked into my cup were two floating roaches.
yeah. I threw that cup away.
First, I woke at 6am, determined to work out, shower, then catch the bus. The alarm went off and I got up, got ready, got to work, only to realize that it was a dream. I jerked awake at 7am cursing my imagination. Speaking of realizations, I had tried to remember to take my wallet out of Kyle's glove box yesterday before he drove back to Dallas yesterday but alas in a flash of comprehension right before I started tearing my room apart to look for it, my wallet whispered my name. Loudly. Because it was in Dallas. Shoot. I called Kyle to confirm and sure enough there it was in the glove box. I promised to call him from the car because I was at that point running a few minutes late for work when I discovered, yes, I was out of gas. Like, drove home with the light on last week after Michelle & Cody's wedding. Luckily I found a $5 which got me a whole 1.2 gallons and then came to work, eager to dive into a cup of French Roast courtesy of my supervisor. But alas, I had forgotten to dump out some coffee from last Wednesday, so all I saw when I looked into my cup were two floating roaches.
yeah. I threw that cup away.
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