Birth Story Part III: Thursday and then some.

Thursday

1:00am I was at 6cm

3:00am 7cm and the nurses suggested I take nubane, which is a narcotic to help me sleep. In retrospect this was the move that I regretted the most because I thought it would lessen the pain but it didn't, just made me conk out between contractions and hallucinate a bit. Like, I saw Kyle's grandpa who passed away a couple years ago, and a bunch of people sitting in chairs all around my room. Kyle says this is the best decision that was made because he was finally able to get some sleep.

6:30am - I was at 8cm but things were slowing down, and by the next time the OB checked in at 7:30, I was still at an 8.

9:00am - We decided to do an epidural. The thought is that sometimes it can relax your body enough to let you go the rest of the way naturally. It didn't hurt at all (at this point my concept of pain's world had been totally rocked) and was actually really awesome...except for the part where my blood pressure dropped to 50/30 and they had to give me epinephrine and oxygen. I slept for real for the first time in 4 days. Unfortunately no dilation was going on. There was discussion that the baby was behaving like a boy by the monitors so the next few hours were spent coming up with boy names just in case.

Kyle and I spent a good amount of time praying and talking with my doula about the possibility of a C-section and what that would entail so that by the time the doc showed up and said we should do this thing (at 12:30pm), we were all on board. My doula said that she guessed that Adeline would be laying face up when they cut me open. Kyle left to call family while they got me all situated with a catheter and prepped where they'd be cutting and the next time I saw him he was all in a space suit and shower cap. The time between them deciding to do the C-section and Addy being born was almost exactly an hour.

I was all proud of myself, because after laughing at with my sister about the moments after her C-section, I was determined to be lucid and remember everything that happened. 

Enter: Morphine. Sigh.

I remember everything about her birth. It is incredibly weird to be awake while you're being cut open and operated on. In the hospital they talk about "time outs" where everyone stops and takes a minute to make sure that the procedure they're doing is indeed the one that needs to be done. You know, so the surgeons don't cut off the wrong appendage. They talk about them all the time at work and when it was my turn for my time out, I kept thinking, "hey! I get my own time out! neat!" 

The worst part of the whole ordeal was the smell - they cauterize stuff all up in there, so, yeah. Smelling your own burning flesh and all? Worst part. I remember when they got to my uterus and the doctor said, "uterine!" like, "eureka! here we are!" and everyone in the room repeated it back to him. Kyle was sitting at my head and I remember he kept trying to talk to me and I just kept staring at him blankly because my mind was occupied with all the tugging that was going on in my lower half. 

My doc said that sure enough when they opened me up, Adeline was looking up at him like "Hey here I am! Let's get out of here!" and he even nicked her on her forehead with his scalpel by accident. When they pulled her out at 1:39pm she was purple and screaming and they said, "It's a little girl!" and the first thought in my head was "duh of course it is, we have a name for a girl!" and then Kyle and I both cried for about the millionth time that day. After that the anesthesiologist gave me something that knocked me out while they sewed me up. I remember being wheeled back into the labor room, where my doula brought Adeline over to me to get some breastfeeding and bonding going immediately. Here's where things start to get hazy. I remember seeing my family and being all, "you're HERE!" and then being wheeled into a recovery room while the nurse said, "I like you so I'm going to take care of you and give you the big room." She totally hooked us up.

The rest of that day and the next is a complete haze. I remember getting the itchies from the morphine which originally started out as a scratchy nose and then spread all over so they had to give me something to make it stop. I also remember Kyle eating. A lot. Someone brought him a Chipotle burrito, which he devoured, and then my sister wanted to know if he wanted a sandwich a couple hours later and he was all "DO I!?" I do remember that there were a ton of visitors Thursday and Friday, all of whom I have since apologized to for being less than lucid :) 

 the first food I'd had and not chucked in 5 days. I have never been so pumped about chicken broth.
 

We ended up in the hospital until Sunday. The recovery was really, really difficult. I wasn't allowed out of bed for the first 24 hours, and then when I did get up out of bed (with the help of a nurse and Kyle) I almost passed out twice, which was accompanied by auditory issues - it sounded like someone put noise canceling headphones on me and I yelled at people in the room to keep talking because I felt like I was losing my hearing. And then there's the whole abdominal surgery thing. Getting in and out of bed took an act of congress, but each time was easier. What sucked was having to plan every bathroom break like, 20 minutes before I thought I would need to go. But again, every single day was way better than the day before.

Breastfeeding proved to be a whole lot easier than I expected. I mean, it was difficult because I was instructed to get her to latch on for 20 minutes on each side every 2 hours to establish a good milk supply and make sure everything was working properly. That was especially rough the first few days while in the hospital - that 2 hours didn't start when she was done but when she started...so factor 40 minutes plus fiddling to make sure everyone's doing what they should be, a possible bathroom break and moving slow as molasses to boot and there's maybe an hour in there to get sleep before you do it all over again. At A's 2 week visit though, she had not only regained her birthweight but gained 1.5 pounds on top of that, so I guess we're doing okay :)

The nursing and lactation consultants at my hospital were absolute angels, and if I had to go through what I did to get to know them, then that's okay. There was even a nurse who wanted to become a music therapist and grilled me on how to do it. I also have a nagging feeling that I had to go through all that to be grateful for the professionals who are trained to deal with the truly necessary intervention situations, that my pride needed to be knocked down a notch. I went through the birth that God had written out for me, and a month later I can totally see why and see His hands all over every single step. The other cool thing was that the OB played trumpet in the Aggie band, so of course we all bonded over that :)

The other big things I learned?

I am much more of a fighter than I thought I was.

My husband is a rock star. Seriously. He is amazing in ways I didn't even know before this whole thing. Amazing. I went into this thinking I knew everything about him and was humbled to discover this whole other incredible side of him. Let's say amazing one more time, because he really is.

My body can do really amazing things and I've spent a long time underestimating and under-appreciating it.

I had to learn how to use my voice and stand up for myself once and for all.

When we got home I wandered around like a zombie, pretty sure I had a mild form of PTSD. I *very slowly* yanked the covers off the bed and washed the linens that were by the tub, trying to scrub down my memory of what had happened on Tuesday night and Wednesday morning. I cried a lot. 

We basically camped out in the living room for a week. I couldn't lay down comfortably or get in and out of bed, so we stacked up a bunch of pillows on the couch and I would just kind of slump over them sideways. Kyle slept on the chaise section of the sofa, and Addy slept on my right.

and sometimes we just slept like this.

?!

So, according to my blog stats, the most insanely transformative and crazy year had only 59 posts? I'm going to try to write more often.

Also, you people out there who also have blogs? Get to writing! I want stuff to read!

I sat last night rocking Addy before bed and thinking back to January 1, 2010 when I spent the whole night puking in the new year. I had absolutely NO CLUE what last year had in store for me. All I knew is that we were going to come back from St. Louis and then go to Hawaii, and then I was going to start the job of my dreams. We never know where we will be in the next 365 days. I wonder what 2011 will bring.

Birth Story Part II: Wednesday

Okay where were we? Right.

Wednesday

1:00am - called the midwife so she could hear what kinda sounds I was making again. At this point I was having some really insanely painful back labor. My doula guessed that the baby was posterior (with her back/spine against mine) and face up. It sucked and was the most difficult, most painful part of the whole thing. She put me on my left side with my left leg straight and my right leg up and bent to the right (they call this a pretzel) in hopes the baby would flip. At some point, my midwife suggests that I need to "reframe" my pain experience, and then said that I should come BACK to the birth center, which is when I said that there was no way I was getting back in the car to go the birth center just to hear that I was still 2cm and have to come right back home and she could come to my house, thank you very much.

1:30am - midwife comes over, has to check me, at which point I said that I was having really awful pain and would like to not be on my back for very long. We waited for a contraction to pass and I laid down to get checked which of course is when I got slammed with another horrendous contraction. When it was all over, I stood at the end of the bed, which is when we got the news that -you guessed it- I was 2.5cm. This is the point that Kyle says I totally lost my shit. I wailed and cried and cried. I haven't freaked out like that I don't think ever in my life. Mostly because I didn't understand what was going on, and there was no way I could handle much more pain than what I had just endured and my brain was going 8 MORE CENTIMETERS?!!?! I knew I could handle lots of pain if it meant we were going to be doing it for just a little bit longer or there was some progression happening, but without either of those, I felt completely helpless. It was decided at this time that resting would be best for everyone to rest. I got in a warm tub, where I relaxed enough to snooze a bit, then sat on the bathroom floor with Kyle, where I started to fall asleep sitting up.

3:00am - Finally able to sleep by stacking up pillows and sitting on the bed, flopped over them. Laying down at this point was just not going to happen.

6:00am we all pow-wowed, decided that it would be best for everyone to rest, midwife leaves to check on her patients.

10:00am we were all up and I felt tons better, was actually eating and walking. My doula was still with us and we tried to get labor going again with nipple stimulation, power walking around the neighborhood, and such. Labor was sort of going, but very slowly, and not consistently.

1:00pm Midwife showed up at the house again and checked my blood pressure and we all discussed the possibility of me ending up at the hospital at 6ish Wednesday night since that's 24 since my water had broken.

3:00pm - After a couple hours of trying to get labor going again, we decided that if we wait 'til 6 to go the hospital then it'll be forever to get me checked in and hooked up to Pitocin, which would lead to another really long night, so we just packed it up and went to the hospital. I turned and looked at Kyle and said, "what have you eaten today?" he said that he had a banana and some pizza, and he was not looking very good.

5:00pm Kyle gets slammed with a migrane, so while my doula and I in our little women tribe hang out at the hospital with Pitocin and antibiotics coursing through me, blood pressure and contraction monitors hooked up and me dilating away, Kyle pukes and naps at home. I try not to worry.

9:00pm Kyle gets back to the hospital looking much better.

11:00pm FINALLY some progress! 5cm!

new year new year new year!

I have never been a numbers person. Unfortunately for my SAT scores, I quit at math pretty much in the 4th grade and never really progressed. That landed me squarely in a pre-cal class taught by a coach while all my super smart friends were taking mystical math classes by a cool, genius professor-type high school teacher. 

Whatever. 

My teacher let us out of class to get breakfast tacos. 

"If you get caught it's your ass, but if not, bring me two carne guisada."

I am, however, friends with a lovely lady who has a quirk involving odd numbers. When making copies, there's 3 copies made. Not 2, not 4, but 3. That makes next year, 2011, in prime position to be awesome. 2010 for me was pretty much summed up by a whole lot of transformational growth, amazing miracles, and a whole lot of vomit. I am ready for what next year will bring.

Now that Christmas is over, it's time again to start thinking about New Year's resolutions! My favorite time of year! I had originally planned to do a triathlon, but these last few weeks of recovery (did I really have major surgery?! I can still hardly wrap my mind around it.) have taught me to treat my body gently. I also am ready to get serious about things I dabble in: veggies (the growing and eating) and yoga.

While prego I felt so gross that I ate whatever sounded good, meaty or not. I'm ready to veer back toward the veggies. Abdominal surgery, while ending in a wonderous, beautiful life, has made me appreciate all the things that those muscles do. Breathing, laughing, coughing, laying comfortably in bed, walking, talking, everything pretty much. Rehabilitating those muscles that have been stretched to their limit in order to accommodate a growing life has included a whole lot of rest and an acute awareness of how central they are to my whole body's function. I mean hey, they don't call it "core" for nothing. So yeah. I am going to commit to some regular yoga to focus my brain and to heal my body.

Overall I think the theme of this next year is turning out to be devotion. Devoting myself to spending the time every day to become a better musician, a thoughtful friend, a focused and fun momma and wife, to pray, to handwrite notes, that sort of thing.

Anyone else out there working on their resolutions? Don't bah-humbug these things, friends. We all have things we want to tweak in our lives. Why not set after a goal that is attainable and meaningful?

how it all went down: Monday & Tuesday

Before I start, I just want to say that when someone has been through a heavy experience, don't underestimate the power of these four words: "tell me what happened." I've sat down a million times over the last couple weeks wanting to write this down and not being able to, mostly because labor was obscenely long (56 hours?) and then I had a bunch of stuff to resolve in my own brain about how everything turned out. All that being said, I really enjoyed being in labor...call me crazy but I think there are few times in life when your brain is forced to take a back seat and all there is left is what your senses give you, and then you get to react accordingly. It was kind of like being at a really awesome concert.

So anyway.

Monday

 morning meant I was 42 weeks and 1 day and we decided to do some natural induction stuff, so I ended up drinking the castor oil smoothie, which ended up in some cramps but nothing really consistent. That was also the day of the midwife visit and the membrane stripping *shudder* and the discussion of baby positioning (less than favorable). I think I walked the mile home from my midwife's office that day. I was in touch with my doula, who spoke with my midwfe about what was going on position-wise, and she adjusted me accordingly (closed off my right hip in hopes the baby would scoot over to where it was supposed to). 

Tuesday

  about 3:30am is when we officially say that labor started. I had contractions every 15 minutes 

6:00am contractions were less regular. It was decided to do the castor oil/breast pump/walking again...on the walk I puked up all the castor oil smoothie (surprised? no?) and then by 

7:30am I had contractions between 7-15 minutes, and then by 

12:30pm I had contractions every 5-7 minutes. They were not very strong, and I was pretty much just in early labor.

2:00pm I was scheduled for another sonogram to make sure that the baby was STILL okay, still with lots of fluid and still with a good heart rate (of course she was). During that visit I was hooked up to a contraction monitor, and the technicians said, "ummmm....did you know you're having really regular contractions?" and "yeah...when are you going to the birth center?" 

4:30pm We had another scheduled visit with my midwfe, so we went over there and found out I was 2cm dilated, and she said to go home and rest. My mom drew me a bath and me and Kyle hung out, talking when suddenly...

6:30pm my water broke, which was really gross. I felt a pop and a squish and stood up in the tub, freaking out a little bit - mostly because I couldn't believe it actually happened, and also because if I had continued laying in the tub I would be laying in amniotic fluid, and it just grossed me out. For the record, SINCE the whole labor and birth thing, there's not a whole lot that grosses me out. Just sayin'. I texted my midwife and my doula, both agree that it doesn't so much change the game plan of resting and waiting for labor to pick up, and my doula said that when contractions get so bad that I can't sleep, call her. I tried to sleep for about 15 minutes and it was impossible. 

7:30pm doula came over about , when labor started to kick up. I labored around the house, walked a lot, sat in various chairs, held on to Kyle, danced around, made lots of noise.

9:30pm contractions were about 2-3 minutes apart, so my doula called my midwife so she could hear what I sounded like. Doula asked for 2 hours to labor around the house, expecting that I was about to hit transitional labor and would be about a 6 or 7.  Midwife gave us 1 hour.

10:30pm we head to the birth center (btw: being in a car while in labor SUCKS.) where we find out that I am STILL 2cm. The midwife's suggestion is to go home and help me relax.  On the way home, K, the doula, and I decide that instead of sleeping, to keep doing the labor thing if I felt good. That's about the time labor started getting a little intense.

our new normal

Adeline will be 2 weeks old in a couple days and wow what a learning curve these last two weeks has been! The first few days of breastfeeding were crazy...to establish my milk supply the nurses had me nursing left and right for 20 minutes apiece every 2 hours. The only thing is that the 2 hours starts from when you start breastfeeding, so by the time she is changed, fed, and possibly having to be changed again, that meant maybe an hour of sleep in between. It's a good thing I can fall asleep pretty much anywhere and on cue. Nowadays she eats between 2 and 3 hours at a time, sometimes eeking toward 4 hours every once in a blessed while.  There have only been a few times where we had to rely on her swing or turning on a hair dryer to totally zonk her out. Our other life saving tool has been this stuff called Gripe Water which has helped us whenever I've eaten something that makes Adeline gassy.

We've played with 3 different diapering systems...started out with disposables in the hospital, then came home to our cloth diaper service, and just today tried out the Gpants. Cloth diapering is proving to be really easy, the only thing is that recently her diaper has been getting wet through to her diaper cover on longer stretches (like at night) so we've had to double up on the diapers. Anyone out there encounter the same issue and want to share their fixes? The Gpants we're planning to use for traveling for the holidays, and today we gave them a trial run today and they worked great! 

Ummmm....okay she's crashed out so that means I need to nap as well :)

keeping the wolves at bay

me just now: *sneaks off to wrap some Christmas presents while Adeline is awake, happy, playing on the changing table with dad*

Kyle: "are you okay? is this you resenting the baby?"

Me: "no, this is me trying to head off any of that stuff. I got into a pattern of eating, sleeping, changing feeding, and need to do something else."

normal, yes?

the act of recovery

So by now you've probably heard that I ended up having to give pitocin a shot, along with an epidural and eventually a c-section. Pretty much exactly the opposite of what we were trying to do - all natural earthy crunchy and such, but definitely according to our plan. I sit here and look at Adeline's face and am thankful for the fact that we have the interventions that we do that make birth...well I guess in my case, and in lots of other cases, possible. 

I'm not disappointed in the way things turned out because above all, I wanted to stay away from unnecessary interventions. There was never a time that I felt "resigned" to a c-section. The whole time, Kyle and I were empowered, encouraged, and informed by my angelic nurses, OBGYN, and doula. Where was my midwife, you ask? Well, that's another tale for another time.

Six days out from the whole thing I am bewildered why there is such a thing as an "elective cesarean," that anyone would elect to put their body through major abdominal surgery, stay in bed for at least 24 hours, be whacked out on pain meds, and deal with all the pain and ickyness, if they had the choice of doing one or the other. This is in no way a judgement by any stretch of the imagination - I just know that I would rather do labor all over again and push a baby out than do the c-section recovery dance again.

People say that every birth is an enlightening journey and there were definitely things I had to learn about myself through the process that I couldn't have learned any other way. I'll get around to telling about the whole thing later, but for now I'm still kinda processing, being thankful for my sweet little family, especially Kyle. Seriously, there's no way I could've survived the last week and a half without him.

What you've all been waiting for

This is Kyle posting for Christina, who is still confined to bed but will be getting up for the first time shortly. She and Adeline are doing great and are finally starting to sleep normally after the adrenaline rush from yesterday's activity. Here are a few pictures and a quick video of ridiculous cuteness.

FYI, Adeline is also the name of the record label owned by Billie Joe Armstrong. Interestingly, Billy Joe and Green Day put out Dookie in 1994. Adeline put out some dookie of her own about 30 minutes ago. Coincidence, or destiny?

sneezes and yawns from singmetheblues on Vimeo.

Well, here we are.

And by here i mean the hospital, just got hooked up to pitocin! It's a longer story than I can type out on my phone at the moment, but this is what god had planned all along apparently :) don't expect many updates til baby stock gets here, just know that we love and appreciate all your prayers and warm wishes! :)

This just in: contractions are painful.

Had another sonogram today and everything looked great, more importantly the tech and the doctor were a thousand times better than the jerk I went to last week. I also just went to the midwife - definitely in early labor, trying to relax and get some rest, about to take a warm bath to relax and hopefully get some sleep tonight as it'll be anywhere between 4 and 14 hours before I get into active labor. 

Looks like it's going to be a December baby?

guts

"God, give me guts."

-Eli Mygatt

Last night I was a mess of anxiety, knowing that the morning brought castor oil and all the unstoppable things that come with it. Castor oil has been used through the ages to induce labor naturally. I suppose I should mention that we are indeed down to that wire of labor induction.

I'm 42 weeks and 1 day. 

My midwife is in daily contact with her backup obstetrician. 

He gave us one more day: tomorrow.

But first, today. I had a rough night - any pregnant woman will tell you that the last few weeks of pregnancy are not at all comfortable. There's insane pressure on your bladder, which means waking up pretty much every 2 hours on the hour to pee. Plus I was anxious...kind of in a day-before-Disneyland kind of way...so I was up at 2am researching castor oil inductions and experiences on the internet. Then at 4:30am my dog decided to get sympathy GI issues and whined and scratched to be let out. So yeah. rough night. At 8:30 this morning I started drinking a concoction of frozen fruit and castor oil and it tasted like...you know how some cutting boards (ie: bamboo) you have to oil? It tasted like fruit and cutting board. Or, like wooden chop sticks. Not too bad amongst the mangos, strawberries, pineapples, and banana. 

It took all of 15 minutes for my body to realize that that right there was not just a smoothie and started rebelling accordingly. I got super lethargic and a little bit weepy, then took a walk, where (surprise!) I threw up about 1/3 of the smoothie. Maybe more like 1/4. At any rate, it's all that was in my stomach today and it was just as fruity on the way back out. 

Castor oil cleans you out. Like, more intensely and effectively than anything I've ever done before. I know people tell horror stories about it, but really it wasn't that bad. I actually felt scrubbed clean from the inside out. Then I felt really dehydrated and crappy, so I took a nap and then went to my midwife appointment at 2:30pm. 

From that appointment I learned that I had indeed progressed a little from last time, and she proceeded to strip membranes, which is NOT the most comfortable thing I've ever done. It was actually pretty terrible, but it didn't last long, and she felt the baby respond to it (drop down a little) and really in a weird sort of way I felt this crazy relief. I don't know if it came from me or the kid but it was like an "aha!" moment, like this is the way things were supposed to be fitting together. It was at this appointment she mentioned that we've got one more day, to do the castor oil again earlier in the morning, and to put myself on a schedule that alternates nipple stimulation via breast pump, hip shaking, and walking. All those things plus the herbs/supplements I'm taking (red raspberry leaf, evening primrose oil) are the natural forms of whatever induction I'd be receiving in the hospital. Granted not as strong (which is a good thing), but still. And of course sex was mentioned for the semen's prostaglandin effect on the whole process, which after some research I read that's what Cervidil (a cervix dilator) is - just synthetic prostaglandins. You can decide for yourself which is more fun ;)

So then after that I went down to my chiro/doula and got adjusted, then took a power walk around the park. I've been getting cramps pretty seriously since I left my midwife's and have a couple more hours of induction activities before I take the rest of the night off and try to get good sleep.

That's all for now, any questions?

42 weeks...and counting...

I got all excited the last couple days 'cos I woke up Friday and puked and felt craptastic all day, then yesterday while walking around the Heard Museum with the fam was getting nice little contractions throughout the day...but hey, still no baby. I have a date with castor oil in the morning, and another midwife appointment in the afternoon. I found a really beautiful quote book that had the following in it, which is really encouraging: 

"It may be that when we no longer know what to do, we have come to our real work, and when we no longer know which way to go, we have begun our real journey."

-Wendell Berry

Here's to uncharted territory :)

chiropractic fun

Today I went and got adjusted by my chiropractor/doula and she shut down my right hip and opened up my left, then did some shifting and encouraging of the baby to scoot over to the left side, and suggested I go home and lay on my left side (= NAP!) so hopefully that'll get things all in the right spot. She also said that she recently adjusted a baby who was due at 43 weeks. So you know, no big deal.

I have to admit that Thanksgiving has totally snuck up on me. I was so focused on the baby showing up that I didn't think to plan for what would happen if it didn't. So today, I ripped up my tomato and basil plants and basically went grocery shopping at the plant store. Of course now I have to get all of it (lemon thyme, collard greens, cabbage, parsley, cilantro, etc.) in the ground and mulched and watered before the first big freeze. You know, tomorrow. Hopefully I'll have some pics up soon.

huh?

Although one is not truly "overdue" until 42 weeks, there is a certain protocol that goes along with the baby cooking along past 40 weeks. Today at 41 weeks 2 days, I hit a couple milestones: my actual last day of work before the baby shows up. Yes it was supposed to be a couple weeks ago, but I'm really quite glad I kept working. Now it's Thanksgiving and if I'm still prego on the 29th you can bet I won't be at work, I'll be regrouping for whatever is coming.

The other thing(s) I had to do today included a biophysical profile - I can't remember if I already explained this, I think I did - and a weekly midwife visit. The BPP went just fine, would've been stellar actually if the doc had kept his goofy looking mouth shut. But instead, he walked in and the first 30 seconds went like this:

"Hi I'm Dr. So and So and just so you know at this point nothing good comes out of being pregnant for this long. I would hate for you to have a healthy baby who ends up either dead or neurodevastated because it stayed in too long."

I seriously wish I was kidding you.

I also wish I was quicker on the fly with my responses...I thought of a whole grand list of expletives to call him. I mean seriously - who SAYS things like that to a pregnant woman except to scare the fire out of her? Like I PLANNED on being in his office today instead of snuggling with my baby at home? 

He at one point made some comment about how most women this point HAVE had their babies...and really, everything about him made me OH SO GRATEFUL that I've chosen to stay out of the high-tech medical model of birth because more than anything really I'm appalled with the notion that women's bodies have no idea what they're doing. If you go past your due date, doctors and the general public INSTANTLY jump to "well, when are you going to be induced?" like that is the normal thing to do. The normal thing to do is WAIT. Not schedule an induction for 4 days after your due date because that's just what your doctor and the rest of the world does. It is maddening how skewed the American view of what is normal in terms of birth has become. 

I called my doula and we called him all sort of nasty names and planned his ultimate demise, and then I was off to the midwife, where I found out, in short, that the baby is just noooot ready. Without getting into the details, there's a positioning issue. Not breach or anything, but, if the baby were in a more conducive spot for laboring, I'd have him or her pretty quick. But, he or she is hanging out kind of inconveniently, so I've been given orders that include lunges, stretching, power walking, and of course a chiropractic adjustment. I'm glad it's the holiday and I can focus all my efforts on getting this baby out. So if Monday rolls around and the baby is STILL cozy coze, we're going to talk about castor oil. 

So yeah - send those prayers and vibes SPECIFICALLY for the baby to scoot into the right position. We need all the help we can get.

brain donation

I swear, people lose their brains around pregnant women. I don't know how many times this week I've heard, "You're still pregnant?" and because I can't be nice for very long I took to saying things like, "oh! *looks down at belly* am I? Weird!" I should probably stay away from my blog right now because I am suuuuper cranky...I had a good cry earlier because we're having a ton of family come in for Thanksgiving this year and I had this whole vision earlier of how it was going to be: sitting on the couch, cooing over the baby, etc. etc. I have to admit I feel silly, and I am not looking forward to the million comments of how I'm still pregnant, and that I should just:

have sex

stimulate your nipples

eat spicy food

go for a walk

go for lots of walks

did you know that having sex stimulates labor?

take herbs orally

get a pedicure

get a massage

try every pressure point on your body

put evening primrose oil caps up your vajayjay

are you walking a lot?

you should get another pedicure

hey have you tried tweaking your nipples?

i mean, you and your hubby should get it on.

The concept of a due date is evil. nobody really knows when conception actually happened, and the whole consequence of "overdue-ness" as a result that is gotten from the general public is dumb. One is overdue past 42 weeks. The end. Saying that someone is "late" is crap. Babies are always on time, and there's nothing wrong with someone just because they've gone past some arbitrary calculation.

I know I have said dumb stuff to pregnant ladies before, but I will definitely be more informed. As a review, let's go down a small list of things that have actually been said to me that are no help at all:

Hey, fatso!

Are you sure you can get up from sitting down there?

You're pregnant? I thought you were just fat! 

Are you effaced or dilated yet? (especially when it's from you know, someone you barely know)

When are you due? I feel like you've been pregnant forever?

The anticipation is killing me! (really? really.)

Have you had your baby yet? You haven't posted anything on facebook.(for the record, we probably won't.)

I know most of it comes from a good place and people are curious and it's not their fault they haven't been through something like this and forgot how to use their brains and everything but wow. There have been complete strangers who have been incredible boosts, and I encourage you (and myself) to take their lead when speaking to an obviously very pregnant woman. Instead of opinions or postulations on gender or whatever, try:

You are so beautiful! (thanks, random lady in the hallway!)
You are so adorable!
You. Glowing. Love it.
That is one lucky baby.
Have you been staying working out this whole pregnancy? Because you look great.
You can do this! Hang in there!
You look amazing!

If I were going to get all therapist on myself (I mean, who can resist) I would recognize that a lot of frustration is a mask for the anxiety and uncertainty I'm feeling. I went to my weekly midwife appointment this past Thursday and we discussed things like biophysical profiles (ultrasound, non-stress tests, kick counts, what have you) to make sure the baby is cooking along just fine and membrane stripping and castor oil for induction. I know that all of that is far better than a pitocin induction, but I can't help but think what if all that stuff doesn't work and I do end up with exactly the opposite of what I have tried to avoid?

It feels very much like the time I was interviewing to go to Spain on a mission trip and there were WEEKS of humming and hawing over whether I would be sent to a state-side project or overseas. It nearly drove me crazy. I WANTED Spain so badly and was convinced that that's where I would be going, but I didn't get my answer from the people deciding until I had an epiphany. Eventually it came down to a church service, where I was basically hit over the head with the fact that it was not about me, it's about God, and He's got it all figured out, so I should chill out. It sounds really flippant to say it like that I guess but in this case it means I have to be okay with going with the flow, and if I get to 42.5 weeks and end up in the hospital hooked up to a pitocin drip, I have to be okay with that too.

Okay. I promise the next post will be back to our regularly scheduled pleasantness.

pinch me

Annie wrote an awesome piece on music therapy in the NICU...

Seriously, every time we do what we do in the NICU, I count my lucky stars that a) I have the opportunity to do this, and b) I have a most righteous colleagues with whom to share the experiences. Check out the link below:

we are kind of a big deal.

labor and triathlons, a love story

I wanted to get into triathlons because I wanted to have more of a goal than just "lose weight." I wanted to be fit, I wanted an excuse to be active, to get a new bike, to wear fun spandex. Most importantly, I knew the hubs and I wanted to start a family soon and I wanted to get into something that I would crave while I was growing a person. That desire is REALLY strong - I've already started perusing the 2011 tri circuit, trying to pick at least one to do next year. I'm thinking a Dallas race. In the mean time, I also am getting really excited about other running and biking races along the way. I've signed up for the Dallas MS150 and fully intend on doing a whole mess of 5ks. I'm going to take it slow, I'm going to listen to my body, but WOW am I excited to get back out there :)

On an unexpected note, things I learned from my triathlons have helped me get ready for this crazy race called labor. Did you know there are three stages of labor? Early, Active, and...er...I forgot the 3rd stage, but I like to call it "gooey." (the part where you push out the placenta. eck.) I can't help it - I associate each with the stages of a triathlon. There's even a "transition" stage in labor! It's really helped me put things into perspective. Like in early labor, the same as in swimming, the goal is to relax, enjoy, and do some work, but be sure to conserve your energy for the next two phases. I'm planning to give birth at a birthing center, where I get to eat and drink the whole time, so we've got a bag packed for the two of us that looks a lot like a tri snack bag: lots of coconut waters and energy bars.

Something else that triathlons helped me frame up mentally is how much the encouragement of others can help you get through each of these stages. More importantly, the influence of my hubs. I remember during the horrendous, brutal last leg of the Austin (olympic distance) Triathlon. K followed me around the track on foot and when I was sobbing and shivering he was right there, fetching me water and saying things like, "This is the strongest you have ever been," and, "I am so proud of you."

I'll let you know how it actually goes, and I am definitely ready to get back out there...January 1st it's so on.

Happy Halloween!

If you haven't seen at least the first season of Mad Men, let me explain. See, the show is based in the late 50s/early 60s and when i was first prego K and I started watching it and I was FASCINATED not only by how women were treated in general but also by the fact that pregos in that day pretty much daily kicked back all kinds of beverages and smokes. So, when my dear friend Annie decided to throw a Mad Men themed Halloween dinner party, I couldn't resist ;) Don't worry, it's just water and an unlit ciggy.

Wherein I must excuse myself to eat shameful quantities of mangos

The cravings have officially hit, along with stretch marks and cankles. Oh, the glamorous pregnancy life! I am sure that's what Fergie was singing about. It all came down the weekend of kyle's mostly annual company trip. We spent a swank weekend at the W hotel eating delicious foods and catching up. This was the first year that I didn't have to answer, "oh I am still in school," when asked about what I do. Unfortunately, that topic only came up a handful of times because of course as a pregnant woman, people mostly want to talk about barf, babies, and cravings. Not the fabulous dream job or the book that is soon to be published. Oh well, not like nursery decor doesn't make me SQUEEEE! with delight...

Anyway, the hubs was terrifically social this weekend and the last night as we rolled into bed near midnight I looked down to discover a complete lack of ankles for the first time in nine months. Naturally, I burst into tears, lamenting this foreign body that seems to have taken over. K of course reassured me that I was just exhausted and yes, still pretty, fat feet and all.

I never EVER get the pre-packaged fruit at the grocery store 'cos it's generally overpriced and all in plastic and not seasonal but last week I had an insatiable urge to buy some mangos. So I bought the small container, took it home, sat on the back porch while my dog frolicked around in the yard and before I knew it, the fruit was gone. I did it again the next night. And then for three days following that. Stomachache? Mangos. Woke up starving at 5am? Mangos. We are currently out, and it's all I can do to stay patient while I wait for Kyle to rip out the carpet in the bedroom so we can go to the grocery store.

Which, seriously - are there any documented occurrences of husbands getting the nesting urge? 'cos Kyle just impulsively (IMPULSIVELY, people) said, "okay. I'll rip out the carpet." Maybe impulsive isn't exactly right because we've been talking about it for weeks but just before he decided and promptly kicked me out of the bedroom, we were still discussing the pros and cons, and I had grudgingly suggested that maybe we wait 'til Spring so our feet won't be cold.

But hey after 48 hours and literally being on our hands and knees scrubbing the darn thing, it looks kind of awesome:

oh, life.

Hey! So, me & the babe are 35 weeks today and really, I haven't been posting much lately because nothing super exciting has been going on...or maybe it's a matter of perspective.

We're nearly done with the bathroom renovations...as of today we have tile on the floor and in the shower, and the cabinets are in! Now all they to put in is the glass for the shower, the toilet, the sink/countertop, the lights, the mirror, and the fixtures. The big stuff is done though, and wow I can't wait to move back into our bedroom! We decided to get some grownup furniture, which means shopping for bed linens! I'm also really excited to move back into and start tricking out my craft room. You know, in all my extra spare time ;)

Work is the same incredible rollercoaster it always is. I'm astounded at how much I have learned, grown, stretched in the last almost year...speaking of work, I was having a tough time deciding what I could and could not post about on here, so I'm throwing the idea of having a separate music therapy blog around...except, there are tons of wonderful MT blogs out there and I'm wondering if what I have to say is any different than what others have to say. I don't know. We'll see. At any rate, it turns out I'll have a shorter leave than I expected (note to any working mom out there: make sure you will have been at a company for at least a year before deciding to get pregnant. It will save you an insane amount of headaches.) and we're currently trying to figure out childcare. We're leaning toward us doing as much as we can with the help of family, and eventually a nanny. That's yet another thing that's up in the air and it's...not easy to decide. What has been easy is the firm decision to go back to work. I've worked waaaaay too hard to get here to give this thing up. "But what about your KID and someone else raising your CHILD and it's different than you would DO it etc etc etc" yeah yeah, that's a can of worms I am not willing to open up. To each woman/family her/their own decision. Neither reason is the "right" one. This is what is good for us right now and in the wise words of Mr. Tim Gunn we're going to "make it work!"

I know I haven't talked much about this, but turns out I'll be a published author and become a mom all in the same month! Once it's all done I'll let y'all in on what my colleague/mentor/friend and I have been working on for the last few months.

I think our dog Jake senses that there's a disturbance in the force...he's totally off his morning/afternoon walk ritual (or rather, we're off it), we've moved him from the kitch to the living room because of the renovator guys coming in and out every day, and there's all these changes going on at the house. Needless to say he's been a complete and utter spaz for the last few weeks. I've stopped counting how many times he has escaped from our back yard lately, including the one time he vaulted himself OVER a 5 1/2 foot section of our fence from our back porch. That was quite an incredible sight. Thankfully there are lots of squirrels, cats, and bunnies for him to chase so if he's gone 15 minutes or an hour, he's never very far.

So back to the pregnancy thing, I'm sure nobody is surprised to hear that I still throw up every once in awhile. Friday afternoon I went from laughing to coughing to vom-ing all over the parking garage (and my pants...and my shoes...) in like 10 seconds. That's the first time it's snuck up on me like that and I'm really quite glad I wasn't inside the hospital. The last time I WAS in the hospital and had to puke it was because I really had to pee and someone had done something horrific in the toilet I was going to go in, and I was SUPER PISSED because I had just had my favorite pizza for lunch. FLUSH, PEOPLE. UGH.

Sometimes I vom in the morning and am done with it for the rest of the day..sometimes, not so lucky. I definitely sleep with a bottle of tums by my bed. I honestly have no clue why I'm still barfing.Maybe it's the reflux, maybe it's my diet...all things I'm messing with. in fact, I need to go juice some kale and apples today while I'm thinking about it, because one theory is that it's tied to how much iron I've got in my body. At any rate, am I glad that come Thanksgiving I'll be on my way back to my normal self? 

Hell. Yes.

speechless...

Yesterday was October 1st. I went to the UT Co-op, then to the Container Store, where someone asked me, "When's your baby due?" I answered in my usual "Oh, middle of November."

As I was walking out of the store I realized I could have said, "Oh, next month."

That's like, TOMORROW. 

33 weeks

I wouldn't mind if the baby showed up a little bit early. Somewhere in the 37-38 week zone would be gravy. 

That's 4 weeks from now.

Jeepers.

week 32 update

I've started going to the midwife every 2 weeks (!!!) and everything looks great - she could feel the baby is in a good position (if you're me, head is down, back is to the left, pointing to the right) which explains why I feel way more movement on the right side. Numbers-wise, I've gained 28 pounds total so far, and she did a blood test last visit and my glucose levels are good, and she said that I'm not anemic but am on the low side of normal for iron (which would partly explain why I've been so exhausted lately) so she suggested adding spirulina, chlorophyll (you can find these two things in the Odwalla or Naked Super Food drinks), more dark leafy greens, beans, and of course red meat...I'm thinking cheeseburgers and mashed sweet potatoes with kale for dinner sounds about right :) The best part about seeing a midwife is that we spent an hour talking about health, diet, exercise, labor preparation, and whatever else I could think of. I asked her about how many weeks past a woman's due date she's comfortable with before doing any sort of "induction" (evening primrose oil, stripping membranes, castor oil, etc) and she said that she'll go 42 weeks and then call her backup OB for his input. Mostly she just said that babies show up when they're ready and if someone got the dates wrong or it's just not time yet the best thing to do is be patient. In life in general, if the baby's like Kyle it'll be early and if it's like me, it'll be late. Maybe we'll compromise on somewhere in the middle ;)

My doula came over to our house last Sunday to chat with Kyle and I about what a typical birth progression looks like, what we can expect, and what her role will be - which is supporting the two of us, explaining what is normal, helping Kyle support me in the best way possible, and most importantly being there at our house early in the labor process before we go to the birth center. We also discussed worst case scenario options, which hopefully we won't have to worry about but if for any reason we have to transfer to a hospital with my midwife's backup OB/GYN, she'll be yet another advocate for whatever-is-good-for-the-baby-with-least-amount-of-interventions.  

Aaaand the bathroom remodel started this week, as if we didn't have a million other things going on. Coming home every day to see the progress is really cool - and makes me really REALLY grateful we've decided to get contractors and not try to DIY this sucker.

more on the name debate...

overheard in the sleepy morning hours: 

K: "I found another name I like."

C: "Like, for real this time?"
K: "Yes. Emmett."

C: "As in, Smith?"
K: "Noooo...as in Brown! Doc from Back to the Future?"

"Apparently it's also a Twilight character..."

*****

In other news, life and work are good...I'm getting better every day at the balancing act. Today I'm supposed to be going to a conference called Understanding the Needs of the Dying. I'm all registered up and can't seem to get motivated. I think it's because there haven't been many days lately where I get to choose to sit and just be. Let the crafting, yoga, swimming, decorating, organizing, cleaning obligations wait while I idle a day away with my thoughts and maybe a journal or a musical instrument. We got to do a little of this life-enjoying with some friends in Tulsa a few weekends ago and it was glorious. No need to rush to be anywhere, just chat, swim, walk, nap, enjoy each other's company.

I picked up my journal from over a year ago and wow am I a busy individual. I was at once starting a new job, finishing my thesis, and training for a triathlon. The thought right there makes me want to hide under the covers for a week. I am learning to slow down and enjoy more. At first it wasn't a lesson I welcomed but now I bask in the gloriousness of it.

Of course, I still have obligations to fulfill but I'm learning that it's okay to be a little selfish, to say no. My professional life requires me to give all day every day. Me time is not a luxury but a necessity.

30 Weeks?!

On Friday I had an appointment with my midwife which was kind of like a party because my doula was there. It was the first time she and my midwife had officially met and they had such a wonderful instant rapport that it put me at ease, made me confident in the choices K and I have made concerning prenatal care. There was such a strong energy of love, respect, and strength in that exam room that was almost tangible, and I left my appointment grinning. I've now gotten to the point where I'll be checking in with my midwife every 2 weeks! Seriously I'm having a hard time wrapping my brain around how we got here.

In terms of the books I've been reading (besides Mockingjay duh) I've moved on to Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Breast Feeding, which I've learned a lot from. Part of the reason we chose the less-medicalized birth route is how important I believe breastfeeding to be and the desire to stay away from interventions that have been shown to hinder the process (induction, C-Section, whisking the baby away immediately after birth, etc.). This is another topic that people are really passionate about and that women have a ton of baggage associated with it - whether or not they felt supported or successful as breastfeeding mothers is HUGE, and people are NOT afraid to share. I grew up in a family where yes modesty is valued but of greater importance is being comfortable with your body. Plus, my mom is one of those militant Breast is Best freedom fighters, and was adamant about breastfeeding all of her children...the first two of which were born when it wasn't all that popular in her family (except, she was in California and a hippie, so she did it anyway).

The other book I'm really excited about is a book called Mother Rising that talks about American culture's lack of ceremony regarding rites of passage...lack isn't the right word exactly, but...I guess the superficiality of them. I got to thinking about my rites of passage...I didn't have a quincinera, although my grandmother was a HUGE proponent. I was a debutante though, and as much as I get made fun of for it, the benefits of that program and the friendships I've gained have been far-reaching. Even last month I had to call upon the gracious girly skills to participate in a luncheon with the individuals who fund several music projects where I work, including the music therapy program. I definitely see that time in my life as a turning point toward adulthood. 

Then in college there are various rites of trial and passage - auditions to various ensembles, inductions into sororities, graduation, etc. The one I have a special place in my heart for is my pledge class's induction into SAI. It was a little different than it had been done before, but the words, quotes, and songs from that ceremony have stuck with me since 2001 because they so eloquently express how I feel about love and music.

Sorry, tangent. Basically how this relates to becoming a mom is that baby showers sort of are like rites of passage, but generally speaking there is not a ritual in American culture where a mother to be sits around with the women who she has been strengthened by her whole life for a time to gain wisdom about the passage into motherhood and a time for the momma to be to be strengthened and pampered. Different people call these different things - sometimes a blessingway or a mother blessing. All I know is it's going to involve strong women, good bonding time, good music, and uplifting words, and hopefully it's something that my girlfriends and I keep going as we each become mommas.

In baby room news, well...mostly I guess I should label this a house update because there's a bunch of crazy stuff going down in the casa. First off, since we don't have enough going on in life right now we've decided to renovate the oompa loompa master bathroom. Not expand it, just work with the existing framework and upgrade/streamline it a bit. The final plans are in, and a guy is coming out Wednesday to take measurements for the cabinets. What that means is that we've gotta move out of our bathroom/bedroom in the next week.  

That in turn translates to the mother of all purges and rearranges this house has ever seen. 

This morning saw the cleaning out and re-purposing of the front hall closet. I'm still dreaming of the day when Kyle will have his own beer brewing station out in the garage, but for now I can deal with the plethora of empty beer bottles. He even found some unopened brew from couple years ago and yelled "Jackpot!" They're in the fridge - I'll let you know how they turn out.

The verbosity of this post is entirely because I'm taking a break from moving all my stuff out of my closet/side of the dresser into the baby room closet, packing up and sorting through the clothes that no longer fit me or are no longer my style (total bags/boxes to Goodwill or Half Price Books today alone: 7) It feels ridiculous good to be doing this, the clearing out of the old to make way for the new. Phew. Okay. Back to work!

UPDATE: The beer is delicious. I know you were all on the edge of your seats.

ahhhhh...sleep!

I'm sleeping better, thank goodness, and I'm also at 28 weeks, which I think officially puts me in my 3rd trimester. Crazy town. I'm getting really excited - I want to know what the kid looks like, if it's a boy or a girl, and am really REALLY ready to not have to answer the "do you have any weird cravings?" question for a really, really long time.

Back to the sleep issue, I don't know if I wrote about this already but I got a Snoogle from my friend Kyna that has quite literally saved my sanity. That, and I got some earplugs 'cos a) Kyle snores like a freight train and b) increased momma hormones = waking up to EVERY. LITTLE. SOUND. so instead of smothering my darling husband every night with a pillow, I've been snoozing like a rock star. Also, I've become one with the excuse to get in bed at 8:30. That has meant cutting down on some extracurricular activities during the week, but the payoff has been so worth it.

We've started working on the kid's room - we've got a crib, rocking chair, even some paint tests on the walls! I'm converting a couple pieces of furniture that we already have to function as baby furniture so we don't have to buy new stuff. 

 We refinished an old armoire of Kyle's parent's like...5 or 6 years ago...and turned it into a TV cabinet. Well, we got a new TV so now the cabinet is going to be fitted with a closet bar and made into a baby closet. The colors we'd painted it so many years ago even fit with the decor.  I was delighted when I opened my Martha Stewart Homekeeping Handbook and there's a little section on how to convert an armoire into a baby storage closet. Further proof that me and Martha are soulmates.

My second project is turning our dresser into a changing table. The plan is to sand/paint the top of it, add some stencils to the drawers, and exchange the hardware. There's a ton of storage in this piece of furniture and I'm excited to get going on this. I'll get pics up soon, I promise.

grrrrr

I have been a super cranky pants lately, and considering I passed out at 7pm last night, I'm going to go ahead and admit that I just flat need more sleep. I want to be more giddy about this whole life-creating thing going on, but right now it seems to take waaaay more effort than I can spare. Ugh, I sould like Eeyore! This weekend we're going to Austin...perhaps I can score an end-of-summer sno cone to make it all better :)

honey got some boobies like wow, oh wow

yeah, I said it. If you don't want to read about boobs, just go ahead and skip this.

I've never been particularly, ahem, gifted in this area, which is why the day that I went to VS and the bra-fitter lady told me I was a D, I clapped and giggled for a solid 24 hours. The most amazing thing that's happened though was last night I was reading about breastfeeding and it said that around 23-24 weeks some women can manually express collostrum. Of course I tried it this morning and it WORKED. No water works or anything, but definitely a neat little trick I couldn't do a few weeks ago.

Guys. I can freaking create and sustain life. I am a freaking superhero.

et voila

I am honestly dumbfounded by how little money, time, and brain power to make my very own "Hooter Hider." Thanks again to CityCraft for the fabulous *BOLD! BEAUTIFUL! GENDER NEUTRAL!*  fabric (ONLY A YARD PEOPLE) and the Mama Monster, where I got the pattern.

also made this week: an oilcloth bag. I took a class over at CityCraft and learned soooo much (including that i need to get my machine serviced...oops) and had a wonderful time with a cozy gathering of women. I had never taken a sewing class before and was really nervous but had a blast and will definitely be going back.

Guess what everyone's getting for Christmas!

In other kinds of crafting news, my herb garden is basically just tending to itself...I've got loads of Basil, thyme, oregano, chamomile, and my bright lights chard just keeps on giving! It's really amazing. I wanted a wild herb garden, and that is certainly what I'm getting. I don't even stress about the caterpillars that have moved in on my parsley remnants.

The thing that has made me smile the most this summer is that an heirloom tomato from last year has decided to plant it's pretty self in the not-so-sunniest spot in the garden. AND THEN decided that op, nope, about a foot away would be MUCH better thank you, and...well, we've got 3 baby tomatoes going and are just going to see what happens:

I am amazed at nature.

not worthy. also, living mindfully.

oh, the saving grace of the beautiful women I have the pleasure of calling besties. Tonight Kyle's guy friends came over about 6ish and kidnapped him for a pre-fatherhood "bachelor"-type party. Without telling him where they were going, they hauled him off to the Choctaw Casino up in Oklahoma. When I found out about the idea, I cried. I can't wait to get the full report tomorrow morning :)

So while the guys were out, the girls decided to have our own fun which involved tiaras, GayBingo, and an evening in the Bishop Arts District. I was expecting to go out and having a wonderful time, I was not expecting to be showered with all kinds of love and wonderfulness. I have some kick-ass girlfriends, and am blessed to share life with them.

Which brings me to my next random thought (it's WAY past my bedtime, so I'm delirious, so bear with me) about being present in our own lives. It's been a struggle the last few weeks to actually connect with...anyone. There's all this stuff I want to do and people I want to hang out with but honestly...and I never EVER thought I would EVER be this person...all I want to do when I get home is lay on the couch and let my brain melt into butter while watching television. It is the most counterproductive thing on the planet...I KNOW that the key to my happiness means doing something with my hands and not being inert, but I just want to lay there and not think. In fact, it's been WEEKS since we've seen some of our friends who live TWO MILES AWAY. I've heretofore declared things like this unacceptable.

We as a couple have gotten sucked into this vortex of being exhausted when we get home, and are still trying to balance how to work this two person full-time worker thing and then once you start thinking about not only having a kid but HEY we haven't walked the dog in like a month and a half what the heck and then there are friends and family we haven't seen in ages and how are we supposed to give all we can at work and still have time for our little family when we get home and then connect with everyone? As far as I can tell it means taking a few minutes out of my day to just breathe, relax, and know that it's okay to not give out every last drop at work, to save some for myself. I get the feeling that sanity in parenting is similar...having to fight for what you love and believe in but also know that you need to stay true to yourself and refill that well. It all comes back to self care, doesn't it.

I mean, I'm inclined to think that television is the root of all evil anyway, but any suggestions anyone out there has would be a fascinating read.

crafting mama

Working with my hands, be it writing, crocheting, painting, sewing, gardening, cooking, making music, is the key to my happiness and sanity. I am blessed to come from a long line of hippies and homemakers and married into a family that truly cherishes and rocks out all things handmade. I am currently inspired by a place in Dallas called CityCraft, a place to find beautiful fabrics (Amy Butler in the flesh omg!) and resources. I go probably every other week...because it coincides with payday...and because I love nothing more than letting my brain unwind in front of their endless array of color and pattern choices.

When my neice was born 8 years ago my sister had a tough time finding big 40" swaddle blankets and employed me to make a bunch for her friends after her mother in law made her a bunch. When I started looking around for registry items I realized that I didn't like a single pattern anywhere, and decided to make my own. Feast your eyes:

I am obsessed with Michael Miller and Amy Butler fabrics. I originally was going to make 8 swaddle blankets but have decided to make one more and then move on to more projects. I've gotten a whole lot more confident with my sewing machine, can navigate its tempermental tension settings, and actually figured out how to make square blankets.

I have a zillion ideas swirling around in my head...I just found a hooter hider pattern that I cannot WAIT to try out, maybe next week, and have decided I want to make a whole bunch of new placemats, runners, and napkins, seeing as our table is GORGEOUS and is in need of some new bling.

HelLO, nesting monster.

the frequently asked questions

I saw this video about a year ago and still every time I watch it I laugh my butt off. I've worked very hard to not be "that pregnant girl" with all the smugness and self-righteousness. Hopefully it's working.

What I've found insane while being pregnant is the crazy, wildly intimate things people will tell you now that you're in the Mommy Club. People and their unsolicited advice and/or miscarriage stories are uh..sometimes hard to listen to, but I've gotten good at just smiling and saying "uh huh..." I feel blessed that there is a certain intimacy surrounding childbirth and I'm honored to be someone with whom people feel like sharing their fears and difficult times. What's been cool is that I now know the juicy details about just about everyone in my family and how they were born. I love those stories, and admire the mothers even more, knowing that they faced their hardest challenge and triumphed beautifully.
I've come to the conclusion that everyone has their own personal idea of how things should be done and that is the Right Way, which is fine for them, and I can make my own decisions. I have the feeling it's going to be like this just bringing a child into the world. For now, my way happens to include chocolate, chai lattes, eggs over easy, dr. pepper, turkey sandwiches and the occassional half glass of wine. So, you know. Judge away ;)

I've been getting a lot of the same questions lately, so thought I'd answer them on here.

Can you feel the baby moving?
uhh...all the time. It's quite distracting, and I know it's only going to get moreso and wow am I looking forward to it :) Yesterday I was in the elevator and felt my baby do this crazy somersault and my first reaction was "GROSS!" Y'all, it's really sci-fi stuff up in here and I try really hard not to think of this:

You're using a midwife? Are you doing a waterbirth?
Well? The two things aren't mutually inclusive, and honestly the thought of bobbing in my own goo really oogs me out, but the birth center is equipped with a totally kick-ass jacuzzi tub that I plan on using to ease the pains and tensions of labor. If the baby happens to decide it wants to be born when I'm in the tub, then cool, but I'm not married to any specific plan.

You're not finding out the gender?!
Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Kidding.

Nope. Don't worry, it came as a complete surprise to me too. Some friends did the same thing and I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. How are you going to plan? What clothes is the baby going to wear? I am so that girl who used to sneak under the Christmas tree and unwrap presents and then re-wrap them. I'm a spoiler of surprises of epic proportions. But...the more I thought about it, and the fact that our house has the one extra room for baby space, I realized that there was no way I'd ever want to trick out a room all in all boy or girl stuff and then repaint it later. So, laziness is my number 1 answer. Also, I'm not a huge fan of pastel colors, and neither blue or pink are in my scheme of favorites. I've actually had a fantastic time thinking about all the ways I'm going to combine greys, browns, black, greens, dark purples, oranges, and reds.

I had a sonogram last week and WOW is all I can say - I wasn't expecting to get all up close and personal with my kid's neural ventricals and heart chambers. It was absolutely awe-inspiring. We weren't even tempted to find out the gender, and the awesome tech didn't even push us.

Do you have any weird cravings?
At the beginning I couldn't eat anything, so I would just head into the cafeteria at work and think about stuff until I settled on something that sounded good. I ate french fries and mustard about three days straight. It wasn't my proudest moment. I have never EVER been a fan of cereal but right now I'm luxuriating in a bowl of quaker oat squares. I don't necessarily get a lot of weird cravings, but I try to practice mindful eating which sometimes means standing in the store with a blank look on my face while I think of every possible combination. What's great about being prego is that when I finally do come to the conclusion of what I want to eat, be it cous cous and buffalo or chicken and waffles or a turkey sandwhich it is the BEST FLIPPING THING I HAVE EVER EATEN! It's kind of awesome.

So, I heard you were really sick and puking all the time?
This is my least favorite question not because I hate reliving the experience but because people tend to ask it right in the middle of a meal. I'm actually still puking every once in awhile. I barf in the mornings probably like 2 out of 7 days a week, and then yesterday I was queasy all day, then came home, crawled in bed and napped, then hurled everything I'd eaten all day. I then slept 13 hours and woke up feeling really weak but now feel really good. So yeah. I'll talk about it, but don't ask me about it when I'm trying to enjoy my breakfast.

good morning, insomnia, how are you?

There is an alien resident in my body and it makes me do all kinds of weird things. Like pee 500 times a day. Like, wake up at all hours of the night to pee. Like, go to bed at 8pm and then wake up refreshed, bright eyed and bushy tailed. At 1am. I'm learning to roll with the punches but dang. Pregnancy's bag of tricks sure is wide and varied. I still need to take a belly shot or two, I realize this. I was doing my music therapy rounds of my floors, checking in with folks when the inevitable "YOU'RE PREGNANT OMG!?" conversation came up and a nurse, a healthcare professional, guessed after looking at me that I was 10 weeks prego. Actually, before that she guessed that I was totally yanking her chain and I most certainly was not. It was kinda surreal.

The other thing that has me puzzled is that I am generally speaking a very. VERY. Emotional individual. Like, cries at dog food and SPCA commercials. A lot of people wonder how I do what I do at the hospital and I just...the smiles, the families, the sheer musical genius of the kids I work with all outweighs all the leeches crazy, heavy stuff that we deal with on a daily basis. However, I've not been the standard weepy mess I usually am. I didn't even cry at the season finale of Glee.

I know. Blame the foetus.

Thing is, I need to cry every once in awhile, and I last week I could feel an Edward-Scissorhands-type boo-hoo building up inside, not over anything and about everything at the same time. The hubs and I had both been insanely busy and involved at work, meaning we didn't have a whole lot of time to just sit and rap between episodes of The Good Guys and The Bachelorette, and there's a LOT of stuff we have to get figured out in the next four months, one of which being re-doing our bedroom/bathroom/study area. He asked about how long into the pregnancy I'd be able to handle moving everything out of the back of the house and living in the guest room for a couple months and when I started picturing the process of it I burst into tears right there. I wish I'd had a camera to capture the look on his face because...well the next words out of his mouth were something like, "Hey...uh...crazy? Can we discuss tile choices?" It's just that I had just figured out how to be prego and do this glorious work that I love and the thought of turning another part of my life upside down just...well, it made me Ugly Cry over white subway tiles with green accents.

Never a dull moment, folks, this Life with a Fetus.

hey baby hey baby hey

Kyle felt the nugget move for the first time today :) The end.

total preg-out moment, round dos.

Maybe I'm just weird, maybe it's because I've got a lot going on, but I used to get a little frustrated when people are all "OMG ARE YOU SO EXCITED TO BE PREGNANT?!" I felt guilty for so long because my honest answer was a big fat NO. Mostly because I felt gross at the time, had no clue what I was doing, and was scared out of my wits. I also had all these things I wanted to do before I got pregnant. 

The biggest one being this: I assumed that I would have a job for a while and then quit it because I didn't want to put my kids in daycare and have someone else raise my children. Well, we all know how that worked out. I honestly never thought I'd get the job of my dreams at 27. I thought it was going to happen in like, 10 years. I'm still reconciling the thought of childcare (which is why I'm just now starting to look into it) and being okay with not feeling bad about how hard I've worked and the blessings that have been tossed my way that got me where I am. 

I've had complete crying freak-outs over the silliest things...like the time it was too hot out and I couldn't go to a concert with my friends because I nearly got heat stroke from walking around the block that morning. I literally sobbed on the couch in Kyle's arms and wailed, "I just want my life back! I want to know how to feel better!" Or my personal favorite "What am I supposed to do when the baby cries? What if it's hungry AND poopy? Do we change the diaper first then feed it or the other way around?" (note: I have since had it on good authority that nobody, no matter what age they are, likes to eat while sitting in their own stuff.)

And then I think, "what is WRONG WITH ME?" I know of several people who are probably reading this and wanting to punch me in the face because they want to be pregnant, or have a hard time getting there and think that this all sounds really selfish and ungrateful of me. For that I apologize. I really do think that my hormones are a little off and my serotonin (ie: my happy brain juice) is whacked out.

I do have to say though, that I get excited in bursts. There was the time when I was dyeing the onesies for my friend, and then I did some music therapy with a teeny tiny baby that involved singing and rocking and infant massage and my brain flashed forward to 5 months from now and I got all verklempt. 

Hands down the most embarrassing thing that's happened is after work last week Kesha's "Your Love Is My Drug" came on the radio and y'all. I was IN. TEARS.

Here are some pertinent snippets:

My friends think I've gone crazy

My judgement's gone a little hazy

I don't care what people say

The rush is worth the price I pay

What you've got is hard to find

I think about (you) all the time

I'm all strung out my heart is fried

I just can't get you off my mind

(I think you know the chorus)

Jeez - I'm getting weepy just thinking about it. Am I lame or WHAT?

Rumblings

So in baby news, we're 18 weeks along, or 4.5 months. This weekend we celebrated our anniversary by traipsing off to the North Texas hill country beauty that is Possum Kingdom and did a lot of swimming, reading, and sleeping. A lot. We were both in dire need of some mindless lake-staring :)

People have been asking if I can feel the baby move yet, and I've replied that it feels every once in a while like there's a goldfish flopping around in my uterus. This weekend though, as I laid to read on my stomach in the sand, and then again this morning while I was trying to go BACK to sleep at 6:30am, I was absolutely, utterly distracted and AWED by the rhumba being performed in my abdomen. I try to wrap my brain around the design of growing a baby inside a person and get lost in the intricacies and the wonder. It's pretty insane - both in theory and in practice. It's also a little sci-fi, so of course I like it. I'm excited for the day that K can actually feel the kiddo move around in there :)

Last week I went to another midwife appointment and the good news is I'm up a few pounds, and am quite certain it's all in my boobs. I am like my very own Boobzilla. I jokingly tell people that this is awesome, seeing as I got my dad's boobs in the genetic roulette game. It's taking some getting used to, though. I have to pay more attention to the appropriateness of my shirts, have to get a bigger size, well, because I can't spend money on a medium anything without thinking I have to wear it out in the next few days before I won't be able to be comfortable in it. 

We've started looking at and thinking about baby furniture, and have decided that there's enough cribs and rockers and barely used clothes and toys out there that should get us started...plus we're both handy with sanders and paintbrushes to make it all look trendy enough.

4 years :)

Just taking a moment to appreciate the way the last 5 years has totally rocked my world:

2005 Engagement Trip to Alaska

2006 Wedding

2007 First Anniversary in Connecticut

2008 Fixing up the new house

2009 in Breckenridge, Colorado

2010 East Coast of Oahu

Happy 4 Years, Love! I'm excited to be diving into this next adventure with you by my side.