the frequently asked questions

I saw this video about a year ago and still every time I watch it I laugh my butt off. I've worked very hard to not be "that pregnant girl" with all the smugness and self-righteousness. Hopefully it's working.

What I've found insane while being pregnant is the crazy, wildly intimate things people will tell you now that you're in the Mommy Club. People and their unsolicited advice and/or miscarriage stories are uh..sometimes hard to listen to, but I've gotten good at just smiling and saying "uh huh..." I feel blessed that there is a certain intimacy surrounding childbirth and I'm honored to be someone with whom people feel like sharing their fears and difficult times. What's been cool is that I now know the juicy details about just about everyone in my family and how they were born. I love those stories, and admire the mothers even more, knowing that they faced their hardest challenge and triumphed beautifully.
I've come to the conclusion that everyone has their own personal idea of how things should be done and that is the Right Way, which is fine for them, and I can make my own decisions. I have the feeling it's going to be like this just bringing a child into the world. For now, my way happens to include chocolate, chai lattes, eggs over easy, dr. pepper, turkey sandwiches and the occassional half glass of wine. So, you know. Judge away ;)

I've been getting a lot of the same questions lately, so thought I'd answer them on here.

Can you feel the baby moving?
uhh...all the time. It's quite distracting, and I know it's only going to get moreso and wow am I looking forward to it :) Yesterday I was in the elevator and felt my baby do this crazy somersault and my first reaction was "GROSS!" Y'all, it's really sci-fi stuff up in here and I try really hard not to think of this:

You're using a midwife? Are you doing a waterbirth?
Well? The two things aren't mutually inclusive, and honestly the thought of bobbing in my own goo really oogs me out, but the birth center is equipped with a totally kick-ass jacuzzi tub that I plan on using to ease the pains and tensions of labor. If the baby happens to decide it wants to be born when I'm in the tub, then cool, but I'm not married to any specific plan.

You're not finding out the gender?!
Oh, we know, but we're not telling.

Kidding.

Nope. Don't worry, it came as a complete surprise to me too. Some friends did the same thing and I thought it was the dumbest thing ever. How are you going to plan? What clothes is the baby going to wear? I am so that girl who used to sneak under the Christmas tree and unwrap presents and then re-wrap them. I'm a spoiler of surprises of epic proportions. But...the more I thought about it, and the fact that our house has the one extra room for baby space, I realized that there was no way I'd ever want to trick out a room all in all boy or girl stuff and then repaint it later. So, laziness is my number 1 answer. Also, I'm not a huge fan of pastel colors, and neither blue or pink are in my scheme of favorites. I've actually had a fantastic time thinking about all the ways I'm going to combine greys, browns, black, greens, dark purples, oranges, and reds.

I had a sonogram last week and WOW is all I can say - I wasn't expecting to get all up close and personal with my kid's neural ventricals and heart chambers. It was absolutely awe-inspiring. We weren't even tempted to find out the gender, and the awesome tech didn't even push us.

Do you have any weird cravings?
At the beginning I couldn't eat anything, so I would just head into the cafeteria at work and think about stuff until I settled on something that sounded good. I ate french fries and mustard about three days straight. It wasn't my proudest moment. I have never EVER been a fan of cereal but right now I'm luxuriating in a bowl of quaker oat squares. I don't necessarily get a lot of weird cravings, but I try to practice mindful eating which sometimes means standing in the store with a blank look on my face while I think of every possible combination. What's great about being prego is that when I finally do come to the conclusion of what I want to eat, be it cous cous and buffalo or chicken and waffles or a turkey sandwhich it is the BEST FLIPPING THING I HAVE EVER EATEN! It's kind of awesome.

So, I heard you were really sick and puking all the time?
This is my least favorite question not because I hate reliving the experience but because people tend to ask it right in the middle of a meal. I'm actually still puking every once in awhile. I barf in the mornings probably like 2 out of 7 days a week, and then yesterday I was queasy all day, then came home, crawled in bed and napped, then hurled everything I'd eaten all day. I then slept 13 hours and woke up feeling really weak but now feel really good. So yeah. I'll talk about it, but don't ask me about it when I'm trying to enjoy my breakfast.

good morning, insomnia, how are you?

There is an alien resident in my body and it makes me do all kinds of weird things. Like pee 500 times a day. Like, wake up at all hours of the night to pee. Like, go to bed at 8pm and then wake up refreshed, bright eyed and bushy tailed. At 1am. I'm learning to roll with the punches but dang. Pregnancy's bag of tricks sure is wide and varied. I still need to take a belly shot or two, I realize this. I was doing my music therapy rounds of my floors, checking in with folks when the inevitable "YOU'RE PREGNANT OMG!?" conversation came up and a nurse, a healthcare professional, guessed after looking at me that I was 10 weeks prego. Actually, before that she guessed that I was totally yanking her chain and I most certainly was not. It was kinda surreal.

The other thing that has me puzzled is that I am generally speaking a very. VERY. Emotional individual. Like, cries at dog food and SPCA commercials. A lot of people wonder how I do what I do at the hospital and I just...the smiles, the families, the sheer musical genius of the kids I work with all outweighs all the leeches crazy, heavy stuff that we deal with on a daily basis. However, I've not been the standard weepy mess I usually am. I didn't even cry at the season finale of Glee.

I know. Blame the foetus.

Thing is, I need to cry every once in awhile, and I last week I could feel an Edward-Scissorhands-type boo-hoo building up inside, not over anything and about everything at the same time. The hubs and I had both been insanely busy and involved at work, meaning we didn't have a whole lot of time to just sit and rap between episodes of The Good Guys and The Bachelorette, and there's a LOT of stuff we have to get figured out in the next four months, one of which being re-doing our bedroom/bathroom/study area. He asked about how long into the pregnancy I'd be able to handle moving everything out of the back of the house and living in the guest room for a couple months and when I started picturing the process of it I burst into tears right there. I wish I'd had a camera to capture the look on his face because...well the next words out of his mouth were something like, "Hey...uh...crazy? Can we discuss tile choices?" It's just that I had just figured out how to be prego and do this glorious work that I love and the thought of turning another part of my life upside down just...well, it made me Ugly Cry over white subway tiles with green accents.

Never a dull moment, folks, this Life with a Fetus.

hey baby hey baby hey

Kyle felt the nugget move for the first time today :) The end.

total preg-out moment, round dos.

Maybe I'm just weird, maybe it's because I've got a lot going on, but I used to get a little frustrated when people are all "OMG ARE YOU SO EXCITED TO BE PREGNANT?!" I felt guilty for so long because my honest answer was a big fat NO. Mostly because I felt gross at the time, had no clue what I was doing, and was scared out of my wits. I also had all these things I wanted to do before I got pregnant. 

The biggest one being this: I assumed that I would have a job for a while and then quit it because I didn't want to put my kids in daycare and have someone else raise my children. Well, we all know how that worked out. I honestly never thought I'd get the job of my dreams at 27. I thought it was going to happen in like, 10 years. I'm still reconciling the thought of childcare (which is why I'm just now starting to look into it) and being okay with not feeling bad about how hard I've worked and the blessings that have been tossed my way that got me where I am. 

I've had complete crying freak-outs over the silliest things...like the time it was too hot out and I couldn't go to a concert with my friends because I nearly got heat stroke from walking around the block that morning. I literally sobbed on the couch in Kyle's arms and wailed, "I just want my life back! I want to know how to feel better!" Or my personal favorite "What am I supposed to do when the baby cries? What if it's hungry AND poopy? Do we change the diaper first then feed it or the other way around?" (note: I have since had it on good authority that nobody, no matter what age they are, likes to eat while sitting in their own stuff.)

And then I think, "what is WRONG WITH ME?" I know of several people who are probably reading this and wanting to punch me in the face because they want to be pregnant, or have a hard time getting there and think that this all sounds really selfish and ungrateful of me. For that I apologize. I really do think that my hormones are a little off and my serotonin (ie: my happy brain juice) is whacked out.

I do have to say though, that I get excited in bursts. There was the time when I was dyeing the onesies for my friend, and then I did some music therapy with a teeny tiny baby that involved singing and rocking and infant massage and my brain flashed forward to 5 months from now and I got all verklempt. 

Hands down the most embarrassing thing that's happened is after work last week Kesha's "Your Love Is My Drug" came on the radio and y'all. I was IN. TEARS.

Here are some pertinent snippets:

My friends think I've gone crazy

My judgement's gone a little hazy

I don't care what people say

The rush is worth the price I pay

What you've got is hard to find

I think about (you) all the time

I'm all strung out my heart is fried

I just can't get you off my mind

(I think you know the chorus)

Jeez - I'm getting weepy just thinking about it. Am I lame or WHAT?

Rumblings

So in baby news, we're 18 weeks along, or 4.5 months. This weekend we celebrated our anniversary by traipsing off to the North Texas hill country beauty that is Possum Kingdom and did a lot of swimming, reading, and sleeping. A lot. We were both in dire need of some mindless lake-staring :)

People have been asking if I can feel the baby move yet, and I've replied that it feels every once in a while like there's a goldfish flopping around in my uterus. This weekend though, as I laid to read on my stomach in the sand, and then again this morning while I was trying to go BACK to sleep at 6:30am, I was absolutely, utterly distracted and AWED by the rhumba being performed in my abdomen. I try to wrap my brain around the design of growing a baby inside a person and get lost in the intricacies and the wonder. It's pretty insane - both in theory and in practice. It's also a little sci-fi, so of course I like it. I'm excited for the day that K can actually feel the kiddo move around in there :)

Last week I went to another midwife appointment and the good news is I'm up a few pounds, and am quite certain it's all in my boobs. I am like my very own Boobzilla. I jokingly tell people that this is awesome, seeing as I got my dad's boobs in the genetic roulette game. It's taking some getting used to, though. I have to pay more attention to the appropriateness of my shirts, have to get a bigger size, well, because I can't spend money on a medium anything without thinking I have to wear it out in the next few days before I won't be able to be comfortable in it. 

We've started looking at and thinking about baby furniture, and have decided that there's enough cribs and rockers and barely used clothes and toys out there that should get us started...plus we're both handy with sanders and paintbrushes to make it all look trendy enough.

4 years :)

Just taking a moment to appreciate the way the last 5 years has totally rocked my world:

2005 Engagement Trip to Alaska

2006 Wedding

2007 First Anniversary in Connecticut

2008 Fixing up the new house

2009 in Breckenridge, Colorado

2010 East Coast of Oahu

Happy 4 Years, Love! I'm excited to be diving into this next adventure with you by my side.

Epiphany.

I was tie-dyeing some orange onesies for my friend and decided to throw a couple in there of the newborn variety for myself. It wasn't until I pulled them out of the dye and finished undoing the rubber bands on the first one for baby Stock that I swear I heard a firecracker go off in my head all glowing and sparkly like that said HOLY CRAP OUR BABY'S GOING TO WEAR THIS!

And then I started grinning and got really, REALLY excited :)

Growing Pains and Beauty Secrets

We all know about the crazy transformation a uterus goes through when it's housing a developing baby...LOTS of stretching and growing, which in theory is a magical thing. In practice? It's a little uncomfortable. Not in a bad way really, but in a I-just-spent-the-afternoon-at-Salt-Lick kind of way.

I know that stretch marks are a genetic inevitability for me, but that hasn't stopped me from getting some of the Mama Bee products that Burt's Bees put out - I picked up their peppermint leg and foot cream, body oil, and belly balm. I tried out the leg cream this morning after my shower and the tingly peppermint felt sooooooo good, because usually in the summer I am a furnace anyway and now I have this whole other circulatory system going on in my body so I'm ROASTING kind of all the time, so with the fan on and the tingly lotion...it was awesome. 

I have been a LUSH fanatic since before it came to the US, and when my sweet sister came into town last summer we discovered our mutual love and she shared her secret to beautiful skin which I have since adopted:

Burt's Bees Body Oil + LUSH Buffy Bar. Start at your feet and apply some oil then go to town with the buff bar, working your way up your body, scrubbing in circular motions. Rinse. 

I do this about 1-2 times/week.

Finally, every night right before going to bed I bust out the belly balm. Like I said, there's nothing to be done about stretch marks except nourish your skin, drink lots of water and love on it while marveling about the amazing stuff it can do (like make room for a whole other PERSON!). The massage also helps the oh-so-slow digestion (according to a massage therapist I talked to, you're supposed to top right to top left, down, and then from left to right).

Definitely enjoying this pregnancy thing a whole lot more these days :)

Thankful.

You know what? Thank GOD for the second trimester. If I felt the way I felt a couple weeks ago? We'd be having the one kid. In fact, the women I've spoken to who have thrown up "all day every day" for 9 months (their words) have a total of 1 child. I totally get that.

We got a juicer this weekend, which has coincided with me being JUST SO FREAKING EXHAUSTED and I think it's because the babe is wicked excited to be getting lots of delish nutrients and is busy growing and therefore wearing me out.  The latest concoctions have included variations on the theme of spinach/cucumber/apple/pineapple/strawberries/fresh blackberries/oranges/lemons.

In other words, there's a party in my tummy.

I threw up on my laundry today.

Hey, strangers.

I've felt a little disconnected from my whole enjoying-the-pregnancy thing because I've been trying to get my head around work and every wonderful and sometimes really difficult learning experience, so I decided to get back to my love of journaling. I have a brain drain that I try to write a couple pages in every night to empty everything out so that it doesn't keep me up at night. Working like a charm. Handwritten journaling is so my anti-drug.

I am feeling tons better, thankfully. More the mental aspect than anything, because sometimes I get queasy, and every weekday, without fail, I puke. Sometimes once, sometimes twice, always stomach acid. I've gotten to the point that I kind of look forward to it because I feel really, really good afterward. But today, I decided that maybe I should put some clothes in the wash before going to work. So I bend over to put the clothes in the washer and before I could stop it, I puked a little on my clothes. That were about to go into the washer. So you know, no harm no foul.

I'm deliriously sleepy - I played really hard today, so I'm going to put myself in cozy cozy bed and I promise I'll be a better blogger soon :) It's inevitable: the next 4 weeks are about to be filled with George Lopez, Bob Schneider, Train, Asleep at the Wheel, Rhett Miller, and Imogen Heap. 

"I can tell you're feeling better because you're crafting."

Oh, Candace knows me all too well.

I woke up Sunday morning a new person, nesting in FULL EFFECT. It's like my brain went: 

UH HELLO we've got SIX MONTHS to get your crap together before this baby shows up! GET UP!

Thankfully I was feeling like I had finally turned a corner. Thus began The Great Nesting of 2010. A lot of my friends have had babies recently and I owe pretty much everyone a gift. Here are a few things I've been working on:

crochet baby blanket for a little boy...need to run and get more gray. 

I found the pattern for this blanket here.

This blanket has taken WAY longer than I expected, 

so the sweet girl will probably get it when she turns 18. Pattern blocks can be found in this book.

I don't know why but tie-dyed baby clothes just make me giggle, and I love giving them as gifts. Here's a stack of some green onesies...I've got some more in the works including orange and pink. If anyone out there wants me to make them something, let me know.

Now, alls I need to do is get THIS mess organized, and I'll be set. Hopefully it won't take 6 months.

the road to the midwifery decision

Well, week 12 starts today and the nasty morning sickness has subsided...not entirely and not all the time, but enough to give me hope. I have moments of normal that nearly take my breath away. I'm having a hard time believing that I'm actually pregnant because I'm not showing at all. Maybe it'll become real with a sono or hearing the heartbeat in a couple weeks at my next midwife appointment :)

I've gotten some funny responses when I tell some people that we've decided to go the midwife route. Things like, "So, you have a midwife...do you have an OBGYN too?" or from my general practice doctor who asks me EVERY TIME I CALL if I want a referral to an OB or if my OB can do the blood test for my thyroid screen or what have you. It was mostly a timing issue...I ditched my old OB after she said that just because all the women in my family have thyroid problems doesn't automatically mean that I'll get them and then promptly refused a test that I requested. But I digress.

Anyhoo, I found out that my general practice doc does well woman exams which I generally schedule around my birthday. Well, we were kind of busy this year what with going to Hawaii and starting a new job, and by the time I looked up, it was a month later and I was prego. I already had a couple months of research under my belt regarding the practice and history of midwifery not because I was pregnant but because I wanted to know what my options were before I got into any sort of place where I'd have to hurry up and make a decision. I'd borrowed The Midwife from a friend and was absolutely fascinated by it, and then I read this post from the Dooce, ordered some more books like this, this, and this, watched Ricki Lake's The Business of Being Born, and it all just made sense.

Nobody can convince anyone else what is right for them, especially in the area of choosing what kind of prenatal care and birth practices are best for an individual, and I'm not going to get on a soapbox about it. Even if you agree or disagree one way or the other, I'd encourage anyone to check out some of the above mentioned resources and decide for yourself. 

If I were going to get anywhere near a soapbox, I would say that the linchpins in deciding for myself that this was what I wanted to do were the statistics of how many births in America are attended by midwives as opposed to how many are attended in every other country in the world, and that the maternal and infant distress/death rates in America are higher than anywhere else, and have remained high and not gone any lower, even though the instance of C-Sections has increased over the last 20 years. It wouldn't be the first time someone called me a granola eating hippie, but...I just don't believe that a woman in labor is something that should be treated as an emergency requiring tons of unnecessary and sometimes harmful interventions. It's a part of life, and I believe that women's bodies know exactly what to do when it's time. Okay. Backing away from the soapbox. But yeah, check out those books and movies, and let's chat :)

So, once I found out I was pregnant, I checked out a couple nearby midwife practices. One was the Allen Birthing Center about 15 miles up the road that had TONS of glowing online recommendations, including a friend of mine who's driving all the way from Arlington to get her prenatal care there. I loved them, but wanted to see if there were any other practices nearby. Kyle actually checked with our insurance and found a midwife that's not only in-network but practices a mile from our house. Bingo.

I suggested Kyle read this book because it was more the brainy part behind the whole midwife decision...a very different vibe from the hippies in Spiritual Midwifery, but I figured he wasn't quite ready for all that talk of birth as a psychedelic trip (although I thought it was fantastic). He was totally prepared with tons of questions for the midwife when we first met with her, and she patiently answered all our questions and spent at least an hour with us. We decided that day that she would be our midwife. 

Since then, I had my first visit which was an hour and 45 minutes at 9 weeks. It included a head-to-toe physical, a review of my overall fitness history and goals, my nutrition, and of course lots and lots of question and answer. I absolutely love how much time I get to spend with my midwife. She's hilarious and real, and what I like most is that she only takes on 6 births a month.  She's totally into the whole empowered woman approach to things, and approaches things like genetic testing or sonograms as such. Basically we're partners in making the decisions in my family's care - she, the educated experienced one, and me the neophyte with loads of questions who she believes is capable of making the sound decisions. She's on my speed dial and I know I can call her any time day or night with concerns and questions. Which I did, especially over the last few weeks.

So yeah - my next appointment is not this coming week but next, and I'm excited to hang out with her again and getting to hear the little one's heartbeat :)

fighting toward the new normal

I have learned so much in the last few weeks...I feel like I've grown up a lot, too. 

There have been changes at breakneck speed around here and I finally feel like I am finally catching up. Breathing. 

It's not something I liked at first, something I didn't even want to acknowledge. In fact, I found myself almost dumbfoundedly asking my hubs, "uhhhh...is this what it's always been like to be you?" because I've always ALWAYS been the super spontaneous see-the-world-right-now! of the two of us, while he's way more content hanging out at home, doing home things and being happy as a clam.

I'm learning to enjoy this. To need this. It's kind of hard when your body tells you, "hey so...I know you've got big plans for Saturday but...um...we've got this non-negotiable sleeping for 18 hours on the schedule in Sharpie, and you're just going to have to deal with it."

So this past Friday, I got home from work about 6pm, put on my pajamas, was asleep by 6:30pm. Woke up at 10pm, ate a slice of pizza, watched the finale of Project Runway, then slept until 7:30 Saturday morning. 

And was still. Sleepy.

Sunday though...today...was one of those rare good days. I feel my eyelids getting heavy even as I type this but I count today as a victory because I did some laundry, swept and vacuumed much of the house, of course did copious amounts of napping and resting, and got to actually enjoy the following:

Collard Greens: Boil a couple ham hocks, add onion, garlic, simmer for 30 minutes. Add greens, more salt than you think you're going to, pepper, and 1 can of Rotel. Let cook until you're ready to eat (another 30 minutes)

Kyle did a crazy ground mustard marinade on the ribs and then spent like 6 hours smoking them on the grill and alternating between them and the oven. He was like the Jedi master of ribs today.

Blackberry Cobbler: Kyle found these for 88 cents a package at the store, so of course he got tons.

Candace and I then moved a workbench outside and made some guacamole.

I thought it was a little ambitious, even for me, but ohhhhh it was good.

I was as they say, happy as a bird with a french fry.

And now, it's time to sleep.

Progress?

We've moved from barfing after eating something to barfing when I've not had anything in my stomach in the last five minutes.

I apologize if I haven't painted the rosiest of pictures of the last few weeks...it's been rough on pretty much every single aspect of my life: personally, professionally, sanity, laundry, wifery, cookery. I have to admit that I've been in a huge funk the last few weeks and am just now starting to pull myself (and get helped pulled) out of it. I am having a hard time being excited about all of this, I think because there are so many changes going on at the same time. I write this to be honest and for anyone out there who will ever feel like this: HEY YOU'RE NORMAL. 

I've had a few people speak so wisely and helpfully in my life lately by just letting me be, and having the grace to say not "oh it'll get better..." but "hey, this right here? it SUCKS and I know because I've BEEN THERE."

So yeah. I guess now I can say I've been there. And would like to get past it to the fun part.

little ears and little mouths

It's been really amazing sharing this adventure with my 7 year old niece...I told her on the phone that she was going to have a new cousin and she GAAASPED! and then told me she wanted it to be a girl. She is just bursting with questions and it's been fun to have our little conversations.

As I was feeling like death warmed over a few weekends ago, she and my sister stopped by the house to pick some chard, lettuce, and herbs, and when I was opening the front door, I heard Kat say, "is what Aunt Tina has contagious?"

I smiled and said no but what I REALLY wanted to say was, "Yes. You catch it from boys." But then I thought my sister might deck me.

I'm 8 weeks along as I write this (but not as you read this) and I can't say that I've had any huge epiphanies in the last week. We're trying to decide if we want to find out if the baby is a boy or a girl or wait and have it be a surprise. I'm less inclined to trick out the guest room in gender-specific pink or blue glittery things (because oh, there will be glitter) because we have a small house and the kid's room will still have to be functional as storage/sleeping space. I've found a black crib that I really like, one that grows with the kid, but I was thinking that if we have more than one anywhere close together, that a bed that turns into a full size bed is probably not the best answer for us space-wise.

Like I had any space in my brain to begin with for all this crazy stuff and here I am contemplating baby bedding.

The good news is that this whole thing has prompted my hubs to get moving on some projects we were taking our time with...things like getting the horrid garage situation figured out, and getting the house painted. I'm really pumped about the house colours mostly because it includes a red front door (!!!) and hopefully the fresh coat of paint will liven up our cozy casa just a bit.

sweet, sweet relief

Last Saturday I had to spill the beans to a friend of mine because she also battled really horrendous morning sickness. At first she offered me her prescription anti-nausea meds, but then since she and I are both rule followers, she referred me to her chiropractor and gave me her number so I could talk to her about what to do because I wasn't able to hold down ANYTHING.

Oh, sweet sweet relief! Her name is Autumn and she is quite possibly the best thing that's happened to me (besides the actual finding out I'm pregnant and my husband being absolutely incredible) since this journey began. She suggested I try a couple homeopathic things which I tried immediately and OH MY GOSH THEY WORK! I was actually able to eat for the first time in like, 9 days. I had a slice of pizza with the meds, then I went out with some ladies for Indian food and had a teeny tiny taste of everyone's food, and didn't throw up! I seriously nearly cried.

I ordered a book called Expecting by Marla Taviano, which is a week-by-week update on the baby, on how a mom's body is changing, a Bible verse, quote, and some space for a devotional. In my miserable stupor one night I started flipping through and around week 23 found the verse:

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.

Matthew 11:28-29

I would be lying if I told you that it hasn't taken me a few weeks to get used to the idea that there's another person being knit together in there, and I was having a hard time finding any inner peace whatsoever because of the raging awfulness last week brought. When I read that verse above though, my heart immediately stilled and I was able to take a deep breath. Yes, I've been able to lean on others and have them support me, but I had somehow forgotten that God is really the only one who can bring that sweet inner peace, and that His rest is what I should've been seeking all along. That lesson seemingly popped out of nowhere, and I was happy to find it.

my incredible hubs and the unfortunate naming of the fetus.

It was awhile back that we started joking that when we had our very own fetus, we would name it Cletus, because it rhymed. So that's what we do, we call the fetus Cletus. As in Cletus T. Fetus. As in "WOW Cletus really loves the mango!"

Since we are watching The Wire, Kyle has taken to naming the fetus after the show's most bad-a character, Omar. I can't wait 'til it's a girl and I get to tell her about her dad's antics. Other name games have including Kyle's suggestions of "Frodo Isengaard Stock" after which I replied, "I don't know if I'm more embarrassed that you suggested that or that I know what you're talking about."

But seriously, Kyle is absolutely blowing me away. He's read The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, and asked lots of good questions when we met with the midwife, has given me lots of good insurance things to consider, and above all has done this insane job of taking care of me. I haven't exactly been the most un-slug-like of people since the dreaded sickness reared it's nasty head, and he's been absolutely wonderful, making thoughtful dinners like rice and beans to make sure I'm getting enough protein, and doing things like putting crackers on my night stand because he read online that eating before getting out of bed helps with the morning pukes, or suggesting I call my or his mom to get support through all this and then reminding me to not get crabby when they make a suggestion I don't like.

The absolute best thing he did was kind of accidental earlier this week when I was home in the morning with my head in the toilet. I had just gotten off the phone with not my midwife but her stand-in when she's out of town and had to listen to "oh, this being sick is just PART of it and you have to just get THROUGH it and have you tried all this other ginger stuff? (YES I HAVE GINGER COMING OUT OF MY EYES) and oh we can try the meds but really they make you groggy and sleepy...(NOT WORSE THAN HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW)...and oh if you have to take a couple days off, that's just what you'll have to do (DUDE. LADY. I JUST STARTED MY JOB AND AM A THERAPIST!)..." and on and on and on until I just wanted to punch her. Thanks to the lovely raging hormones, I got off the phone and just abso...lutely... LOST it, shaking, crying, full-on pity party. Then I went and threw up (because everything, including stress, makes it worse. much like thinking, blinking my eyes, and standing up does as well) and not 2 minutes later, the phone rang and he was just calling to check on me.

Love, love, LOVE my man.

7 weeks and puketastic.

Okay. Honestly, there's a lot to catch up on and since we decided to tell everyone after my first midwife visit and after we've gotten to tell my HUGE immediate family mostly in person (which is about April 18th) so yes, the post you're currently reading was written a couple weeks ago.

I felt really, REALLY great for a couple weeks...the only really complaint I had was that I wasn't hungry, ever. I became super friendly with the green juice ladies over at Whole Foods...spinach, cucumber, and apple was my jam. Then, when and if I DID eat, I felt like I had had like, 3 Christmas dinners when I would've maybe eaten like a cuppa soup and some crackers.

Then (ugh, my stomach turns over just thinking about it) this past weekend I went to Amarillo for the Music Therapy Regional Conference and like, I don't know if was the hotel funk or their crappy eggs but morning sickness hit me like a sack of barfy bricks. I literally laid in bed most days, and felt SO AWFUL because part of the reason I was there was to be with my sister in law for her bridal shower and all I could do was lay on the couch and moan. It was MISERABLE.

Amazingly, I felt probably about 75% better when I finally got home. I am a ginger ale and lemon/lime soda officionado. I can't eat pasta with red sauce or anything spicy (like, with a lot of cumin in it)...or even...like YESTERDAY I tried to eat a salad for lunch and was all YAY! VEGETABLES because let's be honest I think the last time I ate veggies was last Sunday and really it was just baby carrot after cucumber slice after baby carrot and freaking SIX HOURS LATER when I got home after spending an hour in traffic, puked most of the salad up, mostly intact.

To add insult to injury, I would get a nasty case of acid reflux, and it wasn't until 2 days not being able to think about anything but the burning sensation in my chest that I dragged myself to the cabinet and pounced on what I thought were chewable Tums. No, they were chewable PEPTO, which you're not supposed to take when pregnant. Whoops. At the very least, I'm quite sure I puked up the last two I took yesterday. I've since switched to Tums. I like the flavor better but they don't quite do the magic that the Pepto did.

Maybe I just need to chew better...which is why I dragged my limp, defeated, barfy self over to Whole Foods and managed to get through about 8oz of green juice, then some chicken soup and a glorious mango later.

This is really taking a toll on me mentally. I never feel 100% ok, and it's really, REALLY difficult to be a therapist when all you're thinking about is NOT puking all over your kiddos. Luckily, when I'm in a session I tend to forget about me and get into the musical moment with the kids, and that provides a few minutes of relief, at least. I'm just flat out exhausted mentally and physically.

I'm writing this on a Friday, and I have never been so giddy to see the weekend and just lay in bed and eat soup and toast all weekend and not have to get out of my pajamas until Sunday morning.

How's that verse go? That God's strength is made perfect in my weakness? We'll just keep praying that over and over and over...

happy birthday, Kyle!

It all started with the millions of pregnant women I started seeing all over the hospital. Seriously. Everywhere. I swear I saw like 20 during one day.

Other than that, I just had a feeling that something was...different. I ended up in Employee Health taking a pregnancy test two days before Kyle turned 29. That day was pretty hilarious because I just sort of knew anyway, but decided to check things out for sure. I mean, I woudln't have gone and peed in a cup at the behest of a bunch of older ladies if I wasn't sure SOMETHING was going on. So yeah...I took the test and then 15 AGONIZING minutes later they paged me to come down and talk about the results and were all "CONGRATULATIONS!!! WAIT. Are you excited?"

Excited?! Excited doesn't even beGIN to describe it! I think stunned is a good word too. Like, nothing prepares you for that moment, even if you've got an inkling that SOMEthing is going on. So, that night I bought Kyle a dad's birthday card and jumped up and down and made him open it that night, even through protestations of "BUT IT'S NOT MY BIRTHDAY YET!"

The grin on his face was absolutely awesome. I don't think we've stopped grinning.

ahh...Springtime...

The allergens are in full swing, the birds are chirping, the blackberries are blooming...

and, the caterpillars have returned:

these little bugaroos are seriously the bane of my existence. Those guys, "skeeter eaters," and people who smack their lips while eating. And people who hoark loogies. Ugh. Skin crawling.

Anyway, I cannot count how many times I have left my garden in the morning all nice and leafy and come home to this horrendous carnage:

I really don't understand why they don't like the stalks. It's seriously beyond me, as well as is the incredible amount of damage these little (when I say little I mean BIG HONKING ALICE IN WONDER LAND CATERPILLARS) creatures are capable of.  Also beyond me: why the above picture makes me think of fashion magazines.

Anyhoo, what to do, what to do. 

In the case of slugs, setting out a pie pan of cheapster beer that's deep enough for a slug to drown in will do the nasty little trick. I once drowned 40 slugs in the span of a couple hours. It was foul.

In the case of caterpillars, I've done a couple things successfully. I've used thuricide which is an organic pesticide which is a bacterial agent that kills things like caterpillars in the larvae stage only. There's all kinds of warnings on it against humans ingesting the stuff in concentrated quantities, which is enough to make me leery of putting it on stuff that I'm going to eat. But that's just the paranoia talking.

You could also try zipping some of the following in your favorite food processor: garlic, water, onion, cayenne pepper, and 1 Tbs dish soap. Put it all in a spray bottle and go to town. I can't think of anything that wouldn't be repelled by that.

For other pests, one could also try ladybugs, but I can't speak to their awesomeness because I haven't yet tried them. It's all drowning slugs and spicy soapy spray for now.

praying for Amy Beth

Hey so, I had the privilege of being introduced to Amy Beth's blog via my friend Kelli. We don't know each other in person, but have shared a few Emails regarding cooking pointers/disasters. I started reading her blog because it seems as though AB and I share the same neuroses regarding who we are and who we want to be, except her outlook on life and the crazy things that happen to her are far more hilarious, and her hair is far more incredible.

She's going through some hard stuff right now so if you could, check out her website, read, and laugh, and above all, pray.

Thanks y'all.

Happy April!

I know the whistling puppy is not going to make up for a severe lack of posts, so this is my attempt at a catch up. I went to the annual conference of the Southwestern Region of the American Music Therapy Association in glorious Amarillo (Spamarillo....Glamarillo...what have you) over the weekend. Actually, it being in Amarillo was kind of nice because I have family-in-law there and it was fantastic to see everyone. Unfortunately I got a WICKED stomach bug over the weekend (I blame the slightly stinky hotel and their less than awesome eggs) which made me only go to a couple sessions.

This week has me completely off my game as a result...I'm still recovering from being out from Wednesday to Sunday of last week. In fact, I WAS going to go to Austin this weekend to do a 5k, but am really more than looking forward to a weekend at home. Maybe do some Deep Ellum Arts Festival and some catch up work around the house.

In other news, my garden has COMPLETELY exploded.

It's amazing what happens when you plant things in season...

can't...stop...watching...

health care

I'm not going to lie - I teared up when I heard that the health care bill had passed. Not because I'm a hippie or a liberal or think Obama is a rock star. I cried because I am glad that future families will not be torn apart by the things that mine was - things like "pre-existing conditions." My mom got sick when I was about 9 and I watched her fight tooth and nail to get understanding and coverage, only to be met with doctors saying she's crazy and fabricating her illness.

It's now called Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, and it's general knowledge that breathing in things like pesticides and toxic mold will create big BIG health problems, that you should burn a house down if you find the kind of mold in there that my mom breathed in at work every day.

But, it wasn't that way a little over a decade ago.

She got dropped from her health insurance, and consequently, so did I. I was a CHIPS kid. I remember all the financial crap we had to wade through because of the heartless insurance companies.

I realize that there's someone at a desk at an insurance company somewhere, trying to think of a loophole as I type this, but I hope that the whole country can come to an understanding that SOMETHING needed to change. I've heard from people that our taxes will go up and standards of care will drop as a result. Because I work in a hospital that is, uh, a charity, I'm really okay with paying more money for more people to be covered by health insurance. I don't see how voting for the bill was not a compassionate, reasonable choice for the whole country.

I'm just hopeful, timidly relieved that families will not have to go through the anguish that mine did.

best. dinner. ever.

Overheard this evening:

Hey what do you want for dinner?

How about veggies and a salad?

Sweet. Go get some chard and some lettuce greens from the garden?

Perfect.

In other news, smoked paprika is probably the best thing that has ever been invented! If you've never tried it, go to the supermarket and stick your nose in some. It will change your life.

This past weekend was so fun - lots of running (a 5k Saturday and a 10k on Sunday) and friends and fun! What's awesome is that Spring has SPRUNG here - it's absolutely thrilling to be out in the sunshine, have longer days, enjoy the flowers exploding from their winter slumbers. It's downright intoxicating.

Super Fun Happy Friday!

This past week really made me appreciate the support that music gives to us, and those in need. Music and song is healing, it is expressive, it is a necessary part of the grieving process, just as whispered words of prayer.

I love that I get to use music and help people every day :)

In other news, this weekend K is turning 29! There are lots of friends coming into town and I'm excited to be running the Dash Down Greenville again, complete with tye-dye shirts and green tutus! Hooray!

Herb Garden 2K10

I've said before that I'm probably the world's most impatient gardener. It snowed here last week, and this is what my garden looked like:

The Weather Channel says it might even snow this week. But you know what I did yesterday?

I tricked out my herb garden.

my best friend Haley gave these cute herb signs to Kyle for Christmas, but I'm fairly certain they're actually for me.

I decided to try my hand at pansies this year (these look beat up because my dog likes to shortcut through them) and have been way delighted. They're great in the cold and are a refreshing splash of color in the winter months.

The salad aisle including bright lights swiss chard and some lettuce.

I planted three kinds of sage, two kinds of parsley, and three cilantro plants.

All together now! In the bottom left corner of the picture you can see my cilantro plants, plus the purple sage. Other things I'm growing include thyme, dill, and chamomile.

The fact of the matter is that every year I try to grow tomatoes and peppers in this space and EVERY YEAR I get my heart broken because it just doesn't get enough sunlight. I decided that instead of disappointing myself yet again, I would have the most badass herb garden around. The pansies (righth hand side of the last photo) are where several different kinds of basil are going to go because right there gets the most sunlight. I'm hoping to get at least 5 basil plants going.

I also should note that before any of this stuff got put in the ground, I turned my compost pile and filtered out some delicious food for my plantlets into two big plastic bins, then carried the bins over to my garden. I added worm castings and North Haven Gardens's Veggie Food to the mix and then one bag of topsoil each to each bin. I mixed it all up then mixed it into my old bed. When planting, I sprayed the roots of each transplant with Garrett's Juice and once everything was in gave everything a hearty foliar drench. I also sprinkled a little more Veggie Food on everything and then gave everything a good watering. Today it rained a little bit and then dried up, so I mulched. 

They say it takes several years to have gardens going really good. This is my little garden's 3rd year! Let's hope for the best  :)

thanks!

Thanks to sweet friends Raising Madison and A Writer's Crafts for the nomination :) I think part of this is where I have to say something about y'all. 

RM - I love reading your honest, funny approach to parenting. I admire you because of the way you've dealt with what life throws at you.

AWC - I think it's funny that we've become friends AFTER college. It's been fun getting to know you and finding out all the quirky things we have in common. Also, I think you should write a book.

So uh, about me and blogging...

I've done a lot of journaling throughout my life...Since learning to write I've been obsessed with journals and have recently had to put the kibbosh on buying them. Currently, I have a blog, a brain-drain where I put my just woken up thoughts into almost every morning, a gardening journal, and a regular journal that's like a chronicle of stuff. OH and I have a journal that I'm writing for my niece to give to her when she's older. 

Needles to say, I've been an avid blogger for a long time - putting my heart and thoughts out there in the universe for better or worse. I've had a few blogs over the years and really, REALLY wish I'd kept my old ones because I'd like to go back and do some reading on that late-teens/early-20s angst. It was formative, painful, hilarious, and I want to go back and read it.

Anyhoo, I'm just glad people like to read what I write - I love reading the input and thoughts of my friends in the blogging community.

So, here's seven things about me:

1. I'm obsessed with the savory/sweet combination. Oddities include: fries from Wendy's with ketchup on one side and frostee on the other, and chocolate chip cookies with mustard.

2. I hate eating at chain restaurants. Thankfully the Dallas area has more restaurants per capita than New York City, and we live in a really fun and diverse area which means fabulous local, ethnic cuisine. That being said, we don't go out to eat too often 'cos the hubs and I are geniuses in the kitch.

3. Speaking of food, I absolutely LOVE nothing more than having friends over for good food, good drinks, and good conversation. Even better if we all get a turn in whatever's being made.

4. My first instrument was the piano. I am head over heels in love with piano music, but unfortunately still only know how to play on about a high school level. I bought some books and plan to get back into it on a regular basis.

5. I am a sympathetic puker. You puke, I puke. It's a party.

6. I am learning to play the mandolin and the ukulele.

7. I'm a video game fanatic. That's why we can't have them in the house - it's all I would ever do if given the choice. I therefore have really good hand-eye coordination and excellent spatial reasoning. Thanks, MarioKart!

Here's people I think have beautiful blogs:

1. Vintage Mixer. Besides coming up with a genius blog name, Becky is a mastermind in the kitchen and I use at least one of her recipes on a weekly basis. I'm always interested in what she has to say as well as the way she says it. She even makes me wish I lived in Utah.

2. I can't talk about Becky without mentioning Josh Rosenthal, her talented husband. I recently had the pleasure of listening to his music live and was really touched with how real the experiences are that he writes about, how thoughtful his lyrics are, and his mad guitar skillz.

3. Creative Fruition. She's got a really great perspective on food and music. Now, if we could only coerce her into actually writing more about it!

4. Caffeinated Squirrel is easily one of my favorite music therapists and I'm totally blessed to call her friend! She's a thinker, an amazing percussionist, a fan of good coffee, and just all around awesome.

5. Grow Lively is a fellow gardener in the Dallas area and I love reading her posts and watching her teach! I learn so much about gardening through everything she writes!

6. I don't know what I would do without Claire Colored Lenses.  She's real, she's talented musically, a master in the kitchen, great beer-drinking-river-floating company, and is probably totally going to hate that I nominated her for this.

7. And finally, the NieNie Dialogues. I started reading her a couple years back 'cos she's got this really amazing perspective on life and we share similar tastes in stuff (like Anthropologie!) and I admired her perspective on being a mother. And then, she and her husband were in a really horrible plain crash, and her blog is now about her road to recovery. She is an incredible role-model.

If you've been nominated, here are the rules: 

1. Thank the person who nominated you and link to their blog.

2. Copy/Paste the award to your blog

3. Tell us 7 interesting facts about yourself

4. Nominate 7 bloggers you love and link to their blog.

taste of nephrology

Today I went to get training on the system that the Nephrology/Hemodialysis unit charts on. I'll wait while you wiki that - Lord knows I had to. I met with a wonderful Indian woman and as we were chatting, she said that she sang and that her children were singers. I don't know how it came up but I mentioned that a professor of mine at UT was a student of Ravi Shankar...

 to which she replied, "Oh...I must touch you."

Turns out there's lots of other Indian folks in the administrative side of Nephrology, all to whom I was introduced as "a student of a professor whose guru is Ravi Shankar." :) 

The best part of our training time was easily when she said, "So...you sing?" When I replied yes she said, "Okay. Sing for me. Just a few lines," like it was the most normal thing in the world. Welcoming my New Normal, I sang the first part of Stormy Weather, then requested she sing for me - a ridiculously beautiful song that she translated was about moonlight and a swan swimming on a pond. 

Needless to say, I had another one of those "dude...I WORK here!" moments today. 

there's no need to complicate

Hey I'm back! That month off was a much needed vacay to recharge the creative juices. I did a lot of thinking about what I wanted my blog to be about and it came down to really three big things for me: gardening, cooking, and the work I do. The smaller bits of life including travel, working out, general style and artsy things are also going to be in there but keeping a main focus will help organize my thoughts and intentions.

gardening

Well, it's Winter, and everything is dead. I have decided that growing tomatoes and peppers in the back yard just isn't doing it for me - there is just not enough sunlight back there to get a good crop of anything that requires that much sunlight. Therefore, this year I'm going to focus on creating a really spectacular herb and flower garden in the back, get the shade garden going really well, and work on my little therapy nook. I am going to also work on really educating myself about where I live, the plants that thrive here, and the soil. Thankfully there's a really amazing garden center here that has all kinds of fabulous classes. For example, this Thursday I'm going to learn about the ins and outs of Spring vegetable gardening, and keep working on the hubs as to the overabundance of sunshine in our front yard and how we can maximize that in the form of fabulous vegetables.

cooking

I know, I know - everyone's got a blog and everyone posts their recipes. Well, whether you believe in making resolutions at the New Year or not (I happen to be a huge fan) I decided that this year, January 1st would be the kickoff to a Vegan 2010 initiative. As it turns out, I also got a really horrible stomach virus at about 11pm December 31st which led to me tossing my cookies over and over and over to ring in the New Year, which, if you know me was devastating because I LOVE New Year's. Love it. I was so bummed out.

On the bright side though, there's nothing like a massive purge to get one thinking about exactly what goes into one's body. Being sick made it ridiculously easy to jump on into veganism, mostly because I was eating nothing but vegetable broth for 3 days straight. I say "easy to jump" when it's not like I've spent the better part of about 6 years playing with the idea and the practice of vegetarianism. So you know, everyone goes at their own pace. If you're interested in why I think I'll be eating mostly vegetables for awhile, check out Fast Food Nation, Skinny Bitch, The Omnivore's Dilemma, The Jungle, and The China Study. Then watch Supersize Me and Food, Inc. If the information in those books and films doesn't scare you running into a local farmer's patch of brussel sprouts, I don't know what will. I'm not a militant animal rights activist by any means, but if you see what those animals are put through and the diseases they carry before they get chopped up and shipped to the grocery store...it's not a system that I am willing to be on the receiving end of.

I am currently reading and following Natalia Rose's Raw Food Detox Diet. It's got lots of interesting information regarding food combining and takes a running start at veganism instead of doing the all-or-nothing approach. I borrowed a juicer from a friend this week and have been drinking green lemonade every morning and LOVE how my body feels. I'm not a person who will keep doing something if it doesn't feel good, and I definitely feel super clean on the inside.

Also in the way of cooking vegan, I have been disappointed with many vegan cookbooks and the requirement to buy and cook with all kinds of strange things. I mean, I'm up for checking out quinoa and seitan (um, why do I want to eat straight up gluten if so many people in the country are gluten intolerant and have no idea?) and all that but I'm also terrifically lazy and want to eat stuff that I know is going to taste great. To that end, I've started digging around in the 50 million cookbooks we already have to find good vegetarian/vegan recipes. Last week I made some incredible vegan southern food including a pilaf with mushrooms, okra and tomatoes, and braised carrots with terragon. When I get back from Hawaii I'm going to post the recipes and pictures.

travel

Yep, we're going to Hawaii! Our dear friends Leslie and John are getting married and we get to leave on my birthday (this Friday)! There are worse ways to spend a birthday than on a flight to paradise.

work
The biggest thing that's happened lately regarding the big three is that I have a new job! It's a long story, but I can definitely see God's hands all over this thing regarding how it all came about. 

So yeah - woohoo new year and new focus!

uninspired

Hey, folks. I've decided I'm officially going to take a hiatus this December from blogging. Life has been inSANE the last few weeks/months and every time I think about blogging I approach it with a kind of guilt because I don't even know where to start. Then there's the fact that the deeper I get into music therapy I feel in a quandry because there is all this confidentiality stuff I worry about and do not want to overshare.

I think what is going to help is taking some time off from trying to force my creativity and take the time to  figure out where I want my blog to go in the new year and get a clear picture of what it is I have to say in my little corner of the universe. Heck, I might even get a full-on redesign out of the deal, as per my geek of a husband.

OH BUT FIRST I have to say this: My super talented friend Josh Rosenthal spent the last year developing a series of 4 CDs, ending with a Christmas album that just came out called For a Day.  The suite of CDs called Villages captures the idea of our need for connection with one another.  

The Villages Suite culminates with For a Day, an album where Josh spent one day collaborating with different artists for each song.  He has a variety of Christmas specials online with several CDs and t-shirt combinations. You can purchase them through his online store at http://joshrosenthal.bigcartel.com.  He gave me a special promotional code for my friends and blog readers to get an extra 10% off.  At checkout use CHRISTINA to get the discount.  This would be a great Christmas gift or stocking stuffer idea!!!

To preview his music go to his myspace at: http://www.myspace.com/joshrosenthal

To purchase his music with my promotional code go to: http://joshrosenthal.bigcartel.com/

I had the pleasure of seeing him play live a couple months ago in two venues Dallas and it was incredible - and, he and his wife Becky are pretty great altogether. So check both of 'em out.

Ciao until January 1st, lovelies!