Not only is it a Thursday it is the first Thursday of September and therefore First Thursday down on South Congress. I went with Kate the Great and Rq and it was way too fun for words. We had the most AMAZING cupcakes (shout out, Sweet Kel) and folks were giving out free hugs on the sidewalk and I got lots of 'em and realized that I've been aching this week and I think it's for human contact. The Hubs suggested I would fold the first week in Austin because I am such a physical contact kind of girl. I didn't fold, but he's totally right (I mean, shock, right?) and I realized how much I crave that...not SO much from total strangers but just, touch in general. Speaks volumes of course, even if it's just holding hands or sitting close to someone. To me it's really, really soothing, like, that person is sharing their part of existence with you, and it's kind of a big deal in a subtle way.
Something that struck me funny tonight was that you know how...you run into people you sorta knew from college and you have the same conversation:
"Hey!"
"Hey!"
"How ARE you?! What are you doing in Austin?"
"Oh I'm great, just ___________, you know..."
"Yeah I'm just _____________...you know, we should totally hang out sometime, catch up"
"Yeah!"
"Yeah...I'm on facebook so..."
"Yeah I'm totally going to facebook you"
"Sweet"
"Yeah! Well, it was great running INTO you!"
"Yeah you too! Have a great day!"
And then you don't.
What was funnier to me though is like, you know how running into friends from school can be totally awkward? That's just silly! I mean, no matter what the drama was when in school, whether you hated each other or dated her boyfriend, thought the other person didn't like you or whatever...I mean, that stuff was silly back then and it really REALLY doesn't matter now. I've had a lot of "let it go" big neon signs from the universe lately (also, the universe I'm pretty sure was smiling at me today because babies everywhere were smiling at me and one even reached up like -pick me up!- even though I was a stranger...it was mad cute) which has really lifted some weight from me...I was literally walking around Zilker the last couple weeks visualizing myself laying down cute little handbags of resentment, satchels of anger and such. Anyway, just because you think you knew someone 4, 5, 10 years ago doesn't mean you know them now and to hold them to that is really unfair.
But we all do it.
9.04.2008
9.03.2008
Things I should do
include write a note to a friend, and work on some horrendously late crocheted baby blankets.
But, I'm going to bed.
But, I'm going to bed.
9.02.2008
it's quite a small world, or so I've heard...
Once upon a time there was a woman named Annette who had three daughters: Hilda, Diana, and Nora. They all moved from Laredo to San Antonio where Annette opened a hair salon named, well, Annette's. All the girls worked there. Hilda had one son and then died of kidney failure back when they didn't really have things like dialysis. Diana had two children about 10 years apart, and Nora had two kids, then divorced and remarried, and a baby girl named Christina Dyan. Diana loved on this little girl but unfortunately she was very sick and 7 months after Christina was born, Diana's brain tumor was operated on and she died from a blood clot. Everyone from the neighborhood went to the funeral.
25 years later, Christina gets a phone call from one of her coworkers. "Did you have an aunt named Diana?" Christina nearly spit out her food. Over a previous conversation about growing up in San Antonio, it was discovered that the coworker grew up in the same area as my grandmother, mom, and aunts. She got her hair done by Diana at Annette's. She remembers the funeral.
I wish I could remember my aunt.
25 years later, Christina gets a phone call from one of her coworkers. "Did you have an aunt named Diana?" Christina nearly spit out her food. Over a previous conversation about growing up in San Antonio, it was discovered that the coworker grew up in the same area as my grandmother, mom, and aunts. She got her hair done by Diana at Annette's. She remembers the funeral.
I wish I could remember my aunt.
9.01.2008
I mean it this time...
Okay. Post-a-day. Even if it's boring, "here's what I ate for lunch today."
Last Thursday I drove from Austin to Dallas between the hours of 1 and 4:30am. I do not at all recommend it to anyone unless you have a Jonas Brothers CD and have no qualms about eating Whataburger at 3 in the morning. However, it was well worth waking up twice after I had gotten home, thinking "where AM I? oh wait - home. YES!" and then crashing back out to sleep.
We did a ton of work on the house, less probably than we would have done if I hadn't thrown my stinking back out reaching for a razor from the shower (yes our bathroom is that small and yes I know it makes me sound old that I threw my back out) but I still managed to get two broccoli and one cabbage plant planted, along with starting seeds for cucumbers, poblanos, onions, spinach, and a lettuce mix. I also planted a rosemary bush and some pretty vine with beautiful red flowers from the Fabulous In-Laws. I could finally do all that because we got our fence stained! It's a pretty "redwood" stain but it makes the fence a burnt-orangey colour so of course we love it.
Decorating a house is so awesome but kind of overwhelming. A friend's husband, after seeing her paint, furnish, and accessorize a bathroom said, "I like what you're doing, but, you're decorating the hell out of the smallest room in the house." One has to start somewhere, yes? I think that's why my favorite room in the house right now is the guest bathroom because it is far and away the most finished room in the house. I could go into every room and give a laundry list of the things we want to do (or that I want to do, like paint the laundry room bright pinky red) (pun so intended) but the nice thing is that our house is totally livable and cozy and wonderful and I'm pretty sure K's tired of me telling him how much I love it. I just can't help myself.
We ate a LOT of homemade Mexican food this weekend, and I managed to make a really f'ing hot salsa because the jalepenos fooled me. Earlier this summer, I snagged a pepper from the garden and threw it in some salsa but it wasn't hot so I had to put in a couple more to make it good. Thinking, "hey it's the same plant we'll have the same amount of hotness" I did the same thing. Bad news, friends - ATOMIC salsa. I threw in some avocado, which toned it down a bit but then we had to eat all of it because there was avocado in it.
Back to gardening - in the front of our house we've got a funny little layout where there are beautiful, explosive (at the moment) sage bushes and then some tiny ball shrubby shrubs about two feet away from them, where begonias are planted. Now, I don't know if it's just because begonias make me think of the flea market my parents used to drag me to, but I hate them. One, because you can't see them at all unless you walk right up to them and peek in and two because they don't look like real flowers, all waxy and whatnot. I want a big, beautiful, wild garden - a house in London I stayed at had the smallest space but the most enchantingly mixed-up garden that I hammocked in for HOURS...even slept out there once but then started thinking of Jack the Ripper and quit...and I want one of those. I don't like cookie cutter, I don't even really like grass, and the hubs and I are trying to come to a compromise on that BUT I DIGRESS. We've decided that we're going to rip out the begonias (and probably give them to my grandmother) and then plant strawberries and blackberry brambles.
In sorting my seeds I decided to give at least half of what I had to a fellow novice gardener and it made me think of when people lived mostly on farms and did stuff like that - shared seeds and harvests with each other. It brings people together in a way that modern society with all its texting and online gaming doesn't. Also, sitting outside in the sunshine with my hands caked in dirt, saying prayers for people, starting those seeds became the single most important thing in the world and all the worries of the past week or coming storm of orals, thesis writing, travels, presentations, and graduation (dude like, 3 months.) just rolled right off. And, it's cheaper than therapy.
Last Thursday I drove from Austin to Dallas between the hours of 1 and 4:30am. I do not at all recommend it to anyone unless you have a Jonas Brothers CD and have no qualms about eating Whataburger at 3 in the morning. However, it was well worth waking up twice after I had gotten home, thinking "where AM I? oh wait - home. YES!" and then crashing back out to sleep.
We did a ton of work on the house, less probably than we would have done if I hadn't thrown my stinking back out reaching for a razor from the shower (yes our bathroom is that small and yes I know it makes me sound old that I threw my back out) but I still managed to get two broccoli and one cabbage plant planted, along with starting seeds for cucumbers, poblanos, onions, spinach, and a lettuce mix. I also planted a rosemary bush and some pretty vine with beautiful red flowers from the Fabulous In-Laws. I could finally do all that because we got our fence stained! It's a pretty "redwood" stain but it makes the fence a burnt-orangey colour so of course we love it.
Decorating a house is so awesome but kind of overwhelming. A friend's husband, after seeing her paint, furnish, and accessorize a bathroom said, "I like what you're doing, but, you're decorating the hell out of the smallest room in the house." One has to start somewhere, yes? I think that's why my favorite room in the house right now is the guest bathroom because it is far and away the most finished room in the house. I could go into every room and give a laundry list of the things we want to do (or that I want to do, like paint the laundry room bright pinky red) (pun so intended) but the nice thing is that our house is totally livable and cozy and wonderful and I'm pretty sure K's tired of me telling him how much I love it. I just can't help myself.
We ate a LOT of homemade Mexican food this weekend, and I managed to make a really f'ing hot salsa because the jalepenos fooled me. Earlier this summer, I snagged a pepper from the garden and threw it in some salsa but it wasn't hot so I had to put in a couple more to make it good. Thinking, "hey it's the same plant we'll have the same amount of hotness" I did the same thing. Bad news, friends - ATOMIC salsa. I threw in some avocado, which toned it down a bit but then we had to eat all of it because there was avocado in it.
Back to gardening - in the front of our house we've got a funny little layout where there are beautiful, explosive (at the moment) sage bushes and then some tiny ball shrubby shrubs about two feet away from them, where begonias are planted. Now, I don't know if it's just because begonias make me think of the flea market my parents used to drag me to, but I hate them. One, because you can't see them at all unless you walk right up to them and peek in and two because they don't look like real flowers, all waxy and whatnot. I want a big, beautiful, wild garden - a house in London I stayed at had the smallest space but the most enchantingly mixed-up garden that I hammocked in for HOURS...even slept out there once but then started thinking of Jack the Ripper and quit...and I want one of those. I don't like cookie cutter, I don't even really like grass, and the hubs and I are trying to come to a compromise on that BUT I DIGRESS. We've decided that we're going to rip out the begonias (and probably give them to my grandmother) and then plant strawberries and blackberry brambles.
In sorting my seeds I decided to give at least half of what I had to a fellow novice gardener and it made me think of when people lived mostly on farms and did stuff like that - shared seeds and harvests with each other. It brings people together in a way that modern society with all its texting and online gaming doesn't. Also, sitting outside in the sunshine with my hands caked in dirt, saying prayers for people, starting those seeds became the single most important thing in the world and all the worries of the past week or coming storm of orals, thesis writing, travels, presentations, and graduation (dude like, 3 months.) just rolled right off. And, it's cheaper than therapy.
8.28.2008
Crap it's not Wednesday anymore, is it?
Oh well - I blogged twice yesterday and this is probably going to be short anyway. I had a really crazy day today. It was LBJ Day *snicker* so at work we had half staff there doing fun stuff with the patients. I made some killer parfaits (Stoneyfield farms I heart your vanilla goodness) and then had some lunch (totally self-medicated via veggie burger, but that's a whole other blog post) then went to play with the kiddos where I told one that we'd be doing music therapy just me and him and he said, "OH MY GOD. CAN I HUG YOU? I'M GOING TO HYPERVENTILATE...CAN I HUG YOU?" It was cute, and yes it was the kid that yelled at me last week. Say some prayers, I'm going to need 'em.
Then I went BACK to specialty and then came BACK to play Catch Phrase with the older girls. Fabulous. Then I came home and passed out really hard until about 6:30pm, when I went to pick up Kate and work on the crossword, then go to yoga, then hang out with the fabulous Kelly Cline at the Speakeasy for some dancing (and free drinks from cute boys!)
I've been in an incredibly sad funk this week - part of it stems from reading the kids' charts, then the other day when one said they wanted me to adopt them and I've just really been (in a needy-girl kind of way) missing the heck out of Kyle. Being away from the one you love dearly is not at all a walk in the park, and I knew that going into this. It just hurts. And is halfway over.
Then I went BACK to specialty and then came BACK to play Catch Phrase with the older girls. Fabulous. Then I came home and passed out really hard until about 6:30pm, when I went to pick up Kate and work on the crossword, then go to yoga, then hang out with the fabulous Kelly Cline at the Speakeasy for some dancing (and free drinks from cute boys!)
I've been in an incredibly sad funk this week - part of it stems from reading the kids' charts, then the other day when one said they wanted me to adopt them and I've just really been (in a needy-girl kind of way) missing the heck out of Kyle. Being away from the one you love dearly is not at all a walk in the park, and I knew that going into this. It just hurts. And is halfway over.
8.26.2008
Being in Austin when school starts back up...
...really really screws with the traffic. It also made me think of my first day of college and then I read a post that inspired what follows:
Dear Christina of 7 years ago,
Welcome to your first day of college! I know the room you're staying in is ridiculously tiny, but you'll so make it work :) and I know you don't appreciate it yet, but being so close to West Campus and Kinsolving Late Nite will make for some super fun nights with your roommate. You don't know it yet, but you'll realize at the end of this year that it's not going to work out with this roommate but you'll still live with her next year anyway and then you'll live with someone who right now you think you'd never live with 'cos she's so dorky but guess what! she's going to be your best friend and bridesmaid in 5 years.
That's right, I said it, you're getting married! But, not to your boyfriend of the past 3 years. When it comes time to let him go (and let's face it, you already know that now is the time), it's going to really totally suck, but let him go gracefully. And, have at least one real big fight with him and get out all that stuff you want to tell him because you'll just hold it in and then one day seven years from now when you see a picture of him kissing his brand new baby boy all that stuff will become insignificant but you'll sort of still wish you'd have said it.
Anyway, I know that you're so not the girl that wants to get married right out of college but this guy you've already met (doesn't that just drive you nuts?!) is totally the man you've been praying for. You won't realize it at first, and you're going to screw up pretty huge, but this man will ultimately save your life and show you what real, unconditional love is supposed to be like. Also, you get some really amazing in-laws as part of the deal :)
You've fought so hard for your place at the UT School of Music and I just want to let you know how proud of you I am! For the love of all things good and holy, DO YOUR THEORY HOMEWORK AND STUDY FOR MUSIC HISTORY and just to make life a little easier, practice your clarinet at least an hour every day. That way, when you decide that you want to get your master's degree in music therapy, you'll be even more amazing than you already are and you'll be able to mean it when you tell that flute professor off. Don't get wrapped up in all the egos and the competition, just put your head down and do what you've been given ridiculous amounts of talent to do: play and use that fantastically smart brain of yours.
Next year is going to be really hard and confusing for you and I've got three words for you, "Just say no." Learn how to be just friends, it'll so be worth it in the end. Call your best friend Haley more often, really get into SAI and don't be afraid to let those girls into your world. Oh, and minor in psychology. Either that or don't wait 'til the last minute to do that MIS project for that business degree you won't need because of your fabulous husband. Also, know when to cut and run from a toxic friendship. It'll save you some big heartbreak. Make those Dr. Hanna fan club shirts you're gonna want to make. Don't waste your time on drama or people who are nasty to you for no reason. Keep going to that little Spanish church God leads you to. Go visit your grandpa in Florida and at the very least, in 2006 when you get that feeling you should go down to Florida and skip out on work, I'm begging you to go. GO.
I know you're hurt and angry and searching and hopeful and girl let me tell you - all those things you've been hurting over: family, love, loss, friendships - you're going to make it and you will be a strong, beautiful woman because of it. One last thing: don't be so uptight - really live in and enjoy the moment and for goodness sakes STUDY! Mostly, the good news is that you'll get there (here?) so remember that through the bumps and valleys that I'm totally rooting for you, and again, you're going to make it.
Love,
You.
Dear Christina of 7 years ago,
Welcome to your first day of college! I know the room you're staying in is ridiculously tiny, but you'll so make it work :) and I know you don't appreciate it yet, but being so close to West Campus and Kinsolving Late Nite will make for some super fun nights with your roommate. You don't know it yet, but you'll realize at the end of this year that it's not going to work out with this roommate but you'll still live with her next year anyway and then you'll live with someone who right now you think you'd never live with 'cos she's so dorky but guess what! she's going to be your best friend and bridesmaid in 5 years.
That's right, I said it, you're getting married! But, not to your boyfriend of the past 3 years. When it comes time to let him go (and let's face it, you already know that now is the time), it's going to really totally suck, but let him go gracefully. And, have at least one real big fight with him and get out all that stuff you want to tell him because you'll just hold it in and then one day seven years from now when you see a picture of him kissing his brand new baby boy all that stuff will become insignificant but you'll sort of still wish you'd have said it.
Anyway, I know that you're so not the girl that wants to get married right out of college but this guy you've already met (doesn't that just drive you nuts?!) is totally the man you've been praying for. You won't realize it at first, and you're going to screw up pretty huge, but this man will ultimately save your life and show you what real, unconditional love is supposed to be like. Also, you get some really amazing in-laws as part of the deal :)
You've fought so hard for your place at the UT School of Music and I just want to let you know how proud of you I am! For the love of all things good and holy, DO YOUR THEORY HOMEWORK AND STUDY FOR MUSIC HISTORY and just to make life a little easier, practice your clarinet at least an hour every day. That way, when you decide that you want to get your master's degree in music therapy, you'll be even more amazing than you already are and you'll be able to mean it when you tell that flute professor off. Don't get wrapped up in all the egos and the competition, just put your head down and do what you've been given ridiculous amounts of talent to do: play and use that fantastically smart brain of yours.
Next year is going to be really hard and confusing for you and I've got three words for you, "Just say no." Learn how to be just friends, it'll so be worth it in the end. Call your best friend Haley more often, really get into SAI and don't be afraid to let those girls into your world. Oh, and minor in psychology. Either that or don't wait 'til the last minute to do that MIS project for that business degree you won't need because of your fabulous husband. Also, know when to cut and run from a toxic friendship. It'll save you some big heartbreak. Make those Dr. Hanna fan club shirts you're gonna want to make. Don't waste your time on drama or people who are nasty to you for no reason. Keep going to that little Spanish church God leads you to. Go visit your grandpa in Florida and at the very least, in 2006 when you get that feeling you should go down to Florida and skip out on work, I'm begging you to go. GO.
I know you're hurt and angry and searching and hopeful and girl let me tell you - all those things you've been hurting over: family, love, loss, friendships - you're going to make it and you will be a strong, beautiful woman because of it. One last thing: don't be so uptight - really live in and enjoy the moment and for goodness sakes STUDY! Mostly, the good news is that you'll get there (here?) so remember that through the bumps and valleys that I'm totally rooting for you, and again, you're going to make it.
Love,
You.
ups and downs
Down: Principal in charge of my thesis scores didn't tell me when she Emailed me this summer that she's not WORKING THERE ANY MORE. Need to go up on Thursday night/Friday morning to get all that junk straightened out with new principal.
Up: Friday off! FOUR DAY WEEKEND WITH MY HUBS!
Down: Kid says to me in group today about some scribbles done on paper, "These are adoption papers so you can adopt me."
Up: Kick ass blues-writing group on Monday.
Down: Someone quite close to me may have cancer.
Up: Got music therapy 1 on 1 with a kid who totally TOTALLY needs it. That starts Thursday.
Down: Fell asleep at 7:30 last night, slept through roomies coming home from tour.
Up: Freaking got like 11 hours of sleep last night.
Up: Friday off! FOUR DAY WEEKEND WITH MY HUBS!
Down: Kid says to me in group today about some scribbles done on paper, "These are adoption papers so you can adopt me."
Up: Kick ass blues-writing group on Monday.
Down: Someone quite close to me may have cancer.
Up: Got music therapy 1 on 1 with a kid who totally TOTALLY needs it. That starts Thursday.
Down: Fell asleep at 7:30 last night, slept through roomies coming home from tour.
Up: Freaking got like 11 hours of sleep last night.
8.22.2008
Mad World
I think it's ironic that someone who grew up as sheltered as I did now works in a State Hospital. And loves it. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I'm not shocked any more...as a matter of fact last Friday I read a story in one of my patient's files that was so horrible that I had to lay down on the ground to keep from throwing up.
Friday I also got screamed at by a kid in my 9 am session - that was a first. He was mad because we were playing a game and he was out and the string of forceful expletives that rolled angrily out of his mouth was amazing. What else was kind of amazing was that it didn't rattle me as much as I thought it would. I just said, "Sorry dude, those are the rules, I didn't make them up." He pouted for awhile, then rejoined the game. Anyway, I work a lot with the young kids at the hospital and also with the adolescent girls. I was looking up chords on chordie.com and learned Gary Jules' "Mad World" and it sums up a lot of what I deal with every day. So here you go:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Friday I also got screamed at by a kid in my 9 am session - that was a first. He was mad because we were playing a game and he was out and the string of forceful expletives that rolled angrily out of his mouth was amazing. What else was kind of amazing was that it didn't rattle me as much as I thought it would. I just said, "Sorry dude, those are the rules, I didn't make them up." He pouted for awhile, then rejoined the game. Anyway, I work a lot with the young kids at the hospital and also with the adolescent girls. I was looking up chords on chordie.com and learned Gary Jules' "Mad World" and it sums up a lot of what I deal with every day. So here you go:
All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
Their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tomorrow, no tomorrow
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy birthday, happy birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me
And I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad
The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take
When people run in circles it's a very very
Mad World
Mad World
8.21.2008
I can't believe I'm saying this...
especially because in HS I was not very good at being friends with girls but...dude, my Austin girls have been my rock lately. I don't know what I would have done if I didn't hang out with the McGuires 8 out of my first 9 days in Austin. I don't know what I would do without Ev & Kate letting me crash at their place either because I was freaked out by Batman or because I had no hot water and Ev, the weekly lunch dates keep me going, especially on Mondays. You girls are the bomb dot com and I can just hope to be half the kind of good friend that you ladies are to me, I don't know if I could make it down here doing this internship without you.
Actually I know I couldn't. I owe 98% of my sanity to you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And wine glass. ;oP
Actually I know I couldn't. I owe 98% of my sanity to you guys. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. And wine glass. ;oP
oops.
Suze totally burned me yesterday with the question, "What about posting once a day?" Dang. Maybe I'll try again in September. September means month 4 of my 6 month internship. I can't believe I'm almost done. That's crazy. CRAZY. I took a day off today 'cos I woke up with a headache, fire in my throat, and ungodly amounts of multicolored mucus coming out of my nose.
Yummy, I know.
Yummy, I know.
8.15.2008
my own worst enemy :)
ha - I just realized that that title means several different things right now! The universe has really been kicking my butt this week. I stubbed my right toe so that part of my nail came off a couple days ago, then slammed my left ring and middle fingers in the front door yesterday and then that night stubbed my right to agAIN so now there's even more taken off my toenail and ALL that has been backdropped by the fact that when I got home from camp on Monday, not only was there a dead rat on the glue trap in the pantry (thank goodness my mom found it else I would have barfed...then freaked out...then barfed again) BUT THERE WAS NO HOT WATER. After showers at friends houses and many invigoratingly chilly morning showers at home, I finally got around to trying to cook on our gas stove. Hm. No gas. Carlos's manager SWORE that the gas bill had been paid, but after some phone calls it was discovered that said bill was actually paid LATE and therefore I won't have hot water 'til FREAKING TUESDAY.
Ask me again why I have to pay rent? I mean, really.
The other meaning to the title is that I had a couple good music therapy sessions this week and a couple craptacular ones and today I figured out the problem: me.
I mean, I know that's the obvious answer, and it's not that I'm a crap therapist, because I know at the very least I am empathetic as all get out which is essential - it's that I overanalyze every. little. exchange. and want SO BADLY to be really really good at this that it's almost crippling. I'm learning to let things go and maybe it's just an age thing but identifying that Evil Inner Critic has become essential to my development as a therapist. I have a book called The Artist's Way that deals with exactly that, and I've been humming and hawing over doing it...I'll start, then quit due to time constraints, then start again to no avail...it's a little like trying to give up bread. Or...Dr. Pepper. Maybe that's the reason I've been reluctant to write about my internship on here (yeah, it's been nearly 3 whole months and I've not breathed a substantial word about the amazing experience I'm having down here) so, that will change too.
Ask me again why I have to pay rent? I mean, really.
The other meaning to the title is that I had a couple good music therapy sessions this week and a couple craptacular ones and today I figured out the problem: me.
I mean, I know that's the obvious answer, and it's not that I'm a crap therapist, because I know at the very least I am empathetic as all get out which is essential - it's that I overanalyze every. little. exchange. and want SO BADLY to be really really good at this that it's almost crippling. I'm learning to let things go and maybe it's just an age thing but identifying that Evil Inner Critic has become essential to my development as a therapist. I have a book called The Artist's Way that deals with exactly that, and I've been humming and hawing over doing it...I'll start, then quit due to time constraints, then start again to no avail...it's a little like trying to give up bread. Or...Dr. Pepper. Maybe that's the reason I've been reluctant to write about my internship on here (yeah, it's been nearly 3 whole months and I've not breathed a substantial word about the amazing experience I'm having down here) so, that will change too.
8.09.2008
7.29.2008
what's the rush?
On Monday I decided to bike to and from the grocery store - it's only about 1.7 miles from my house - so I rigged up my milk crate and set off. I of course got lost, then got anxious, and my first thought was, "Ugh this is taking so long I need to hurry and get there so I can get back and..."
...hang out by myself? I mean really. I giggled at the thought, then got to thinking about all the rushing around we do on a daily basis, mostly for naught. Always looking forward to the next thing instead of being fully present in the...well, the present moment. It's a difficult shift to make, but I've been trying to engage myself fully in each moment with patients, friends, and especially family. If that means turning off my cell phone at lunch or leaving it behind altogether when we go out, then so be it.
It's kind of liberating.
...hang out by myself? I mean really. I giggled at the thought, then got to thinking about all the rushing around we do on a daily basis, mostly for naught. Always looking forward to the next thing instead of being fully present in the...well, the present moment. It's a difficult shift to make, but I've been trying to engage myself fully in each moment with patients, friends, and especially family. If that means turning off my cell phone at lunch or leaving it behind altogether when we go out, then so be it.
It's kind of liberating.
7.26.2008
with fear and trembling...
I just finished with one of the more interesting nights of my life. I would say coincidental but I don't believe in coincidences, so I'll just tell my story and let you hash it out for yourself.
I've been discontent lately...okay so the last 4 years or so...with my faith. I realized in Spain (I went with Campus Crusade to Granada for two months) that my faith was not a mature one, that it was a faith I gleaned from my parents...but at least a faith that got me through the hardest stuff in my life...seriously, without God, I wouldn't still be alive. So anyway, maybe I'm just lazy but I've been spending the last few years really humming and hawing about my faith - going to lots of different churches, being discontent with anything that didn't live up to the meat & potatoes I got at the little church that met in a mall basement in Granada and I don't know that I'll ever find that again, at least in America. But I'll keep looking. I told Kyle tonight that I feel like spiritually I've been asleep, just kind of drifting, being aware of my ebbing and flowing discontent but not really knowing what to do about it. I'm no longer satisfied with what other books or other people have to say about my relationship with God, what rules I should follow (like reading my Bible and doing a quiet time every single day) in my own relationship with God, relationship with Kyle, etc. I don't want to read any more books on Him, I want to be all up in His business and get to know Him like, you know, personally.
This feels really really ridiculously weird to be writing, because maybe I had this picture in my head that people think I'm some big Christian but I think God has just humbled my heart and said, "dude - seriously? I mean, there's no fruit. You know it, I know it, so quit kidding yourself. Come on over and sit here on this couch and let's have a talk." (by the way I heard a long time ago that God talks to you the way you need to hear it, so I figured it would be okay if God says "dude" and "totally" a lot.)
So anyway, there's kind of the back story. What happened a couple months ago is that my friend Casey invited me & the hubs to go to church with her and her husband and I bailed. Repeatedly. So I moved to Austin for this internship thing and heard that there's podcasts from the church, so I downloaded one and sort of listened to half of it but never really got committed. So then a couple days ago (yesterday maybe?) I went into iTunes to download a movie (The Other Boleyn Girl - SO GOOD.) and bam a podcast from The Village Church popped up. Random - this had never happened before. Tonight I decided to listen to it and it really (surprisingly? Maybe not...) hit all my little nails on all their heads. In like, a creepy, only-God-could-do-this kind of way because check it out: the title of the sermon is "Godly Discontentment." I was all hey that's me but you never know, these tricksy pastors could be talking about anything.
But no, I'm pretty sure this guy has been spying on me and then downloaded the sermon on my computer because it's time for me to wake up.
The sermon is all about 1 Timothy 6:11 where Paul is basically laying right out some beginning steps to exploring that discontentment in God. He says to "flee the riches of the world and to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and gentleness." There's a LOT of all those things I've been struggling with, especially at work, and definitely in my own life. The pastor talked about contentment not equaling complacency and talked about how sometimes a relationship with God is seen like how a guy and a girl start dating and the guy does all this over-the-top stuff like write poetry and give flowers and whatever to win her and then when they get married he stops pursuing her. In the same way we sometimes get lazy and think WHEW I'm saved! Sweet! Now I can relax! Not the case. The dude went on to talk about how this discontentment comes from God and he talks about Philippians 3:12 where we haven't already gotten there, we won't get there until we're reunited with Christ, but in the meantime to always be reaching forward and then there was verse 15 which totally got my attention - that word maturity. So...whoa. Some people aren't going to see it like this at all, but it's like God knows I have been discontent,knows that I want, pray to be closer to Him but have been unclear as to which direction to go in...and then I started looking back on this year - this whole turning 25, not taking crap from folks, figuring out what I stand for, doing the triathlon, being away from Kyle and working towards this goal of internship where every day I am creating my own theories and philosophies of music therapy - and it's like, I needed all that to be going on so that when I heard all this, everything would almost audibly SNAP into place. This would be the second time that I've been humbled by the thought that God might actually be paying attention to me. Weird. If you want the story of the first time, let me know and I'll tell it, because it's pretty funny, but kind of embarrassing.
That was the biggest part that freaked me out the most about the podcast - there's more about how we can forever change people just by loving them and remembering the confession of your youth etc. etc. but the main thing is that I've not been jarred awake, which I think is funny because (you can ask Kyle) if you wake me up the wrong way I get crAnky, but that I've kind of been in a process of waking up over the last couple weeks/months/years. There was another thing I found cool - the pastor referenced something in Phillippians where it says to work out your salvation with fear and trembling...like, it's really okay to do this and have these questions and make your beliefs your own because it's God working through you, wanting you to be more mature and own your faith. I like that.
Funny, the things that'll happen to you on a fast. I hadn't meant for it to be a religious thing but it looks like it was the right time for me and this weekend somehow the clutter has been cleared enough for everything to make sense. Weird, weird, weird. So okay step 1 be nourished in the Word of God - get back to reading and diving in, maybe find a church, maybe find other people to talk this stuff over with (preferably over some coffee or maybe even a beer) and then step 2 put it into practice. I have the feeling I'll be on step 1 for awhile. I have a lot of digging to do.
So yeah, crazy night.
I've been discontent lately...okay so the last 4 years or so...with my faith. I realized in Spain (I went with Campus Crusade to Granada for two months) that my faith was not a mature one, that it was a faith I gleaned from my parents...but at least a faith that got me through the hardest stuff in my life...seriously, without God, I wouldn't still be alive. So anyway, maybe I'm just lazy but I've been spending the last few years really humming and hawing about my faith - going to lots of different churches, being discontent with anything that didn't live up to the meat & potatoes I got at the little church that met in a mall basement in Granada and I don't know that I'll ever find that again, at least in America. But I'll keep looking. I told Kyle tonight that I feel like spiritually I've been asleep, just kind of drifting, being aware of my ebbing and flowing discontent but not really knowing what to do about it. I'm no longer satisfied with what other books or other people have to say about my relationship with God, what rules I should follow (like reading my Bible and doing a quiet time every single day) in my own relationship with God, relationship with Kyle, etc. I don't want to read any more books on Him, I want to be all up in His business and get to know Him like, you know, personally.
This feels really really ridiculously weird to be writing, because maybe I had this picture in my head that people think I'm some big Christian but I think God has just humbled my heart and said, "dude - seriously? I mean, there's no fruit. You know it, I know it, so quit kidding yourself. Come on over and sit here on this couch and let's have a talk." (by the way I heard a long time ago that God talks to you the way you need to hear it, so I figured it would be okay if God says "dude" and "totally" a lot.)
So anyway, there's kind of the back story. What happened a couple months ago is that my friend Casey invited me & the hubs to go to church with her and her husband and I bailed. Repeatedly. So I moved to Austin for this internship thing and heard that there's podcasts from the church, so I downloaded one and sort of listened to half of it but never really got committed. So then a couple days ago (yesterday maybe?) I went into iTunes to download a movie (The Other Boleyn Girl - SO GOOD.) and bam a podcast from The Village Church popped up. Random - this had never happened before. Tonight I decided to listen to it and it really (surprisingly? Maybe not...) hit all my little nails on all their heads. In like, a creepy, only-God-could-do-this kind of way because check it out: the title of the sermon is "Godly Discontentment." I was all hey that's me but you never know, these tricksy pastors could be talking about anything.
But no, I'm pretty sure this guy has been spying on me and then downloaded the sermon on my computer because it's time for me to wake up.
The sermon is all about 1 Timothy 6:11 where Paul is basically laying right out some beginning steps to exploring that discontentment in God. He says to "flee the riches of the world and to pursue righteousness, godliness, faith, love, patience, and gentleness." There's a LOT of all those things I've been struggling with, especially at work, and definitely in my own life. The pastor talked about contentment not equaling complacency and talked about how sometimes a relationship with God is seen like how a guy and a girl start dating and the guy does all this over-the-top stuff like write poetry and give flowers and whatever to win her and then when they get married he stops pursuing her. In the same way we sometimes get lazy and think WHEW I'm saved! Sweet! Now I can relax! Not the case. The dude went on to talk about how this discontentment comes from God and he talks about Philippians 3:12 where we haven't already gotten there, we won't get there until we're reunited with Christ, but in the meantime to always be reaching forward and then there was verse 15 which totally got my attention - that word maturity. So...whoa. Some people aren't going to see it like this at all, but it's like God knows I have been discontent,knows that I want, pray to be closer to Him but have been unclear as to which direction to go in...and then I started looking back on this year - this whole turning 25, not taking crap from folks, figuring out what I stand for, doing the triathlon, being away from Kyle and working towards this goal of internship where every day I am creating my own theories and philosophies of music therapy - and it's like, I needed all that to be going on so that when I heard all this, everything would almost audibly SNAP into place. This would be the second time that I've been humbled by the thought that God might actually be paying attention to me. Weird. If you want the story of the first time, let me know and I'll tell it, because it's pretty funny, but kind of embarrassing.
That was the biggest part that freaked me out the most about the podcast - there's more about how we can forever change people just by loving them and remembering the confession of your youth etc. etc. but the main thing is that I've not been jarred awake, which I think is funny because (you can ask Kyle) if you wake me up the wrong way I get crAnky, but that I've kind of been in a process of waking up over the last couple weeks/months/years. There was another thing I found cool - the pastor referenced something in Phillippians where it says to work out your salvation with fear and trembling...like, it's really okay to do this and have these questions and make your beliefs your own because it's God working through you, wanting you to be more mature and own your faith. I like that.
Funny, the things that'll happen to you on a fast. I hadn't meant for it to be a religious thing but it looks like it was the right time for me and this weekend somehow the clutter has been cleared enough for everything to make sense. Weird, weird, weird. So okay step 1 be nourished in the Word of God - get back to reading and diving in, maybe find a church, maybe find other people to talk this stuff over with (preferably over some coffee or maybe even a beer) and then step 2 put it into practice. I have the feeling I'll be on step 1 for awhile. I have a lot of digging to do.
So yeah, crazy night.
7.24.2008
it's almost summer camp time!
Okay - I know I just did a teeny blurb on camp, but here's the extended version. Last year I volunteered for the first time at El Tesoro De La vida, a grief camp for children ages 6 - 16ish who knew someone who died. I at first didn't know what I was getting myself into, only that I knew I loved kids, loved going to summer camp as a kid. The site is beautiful - tucked away in the woods West of Ft. Worth - and primitive. The lower camp (younger kids) cabins do not have electricity and are just really wood boxes with screens over the windows. We sleep on tiny twin-sized cots, the kind with the crinkly plastic cover that are only like 2 inches thick. We shower down the hill a ways, sometimes with frogs or spiders cowering in the corner. At camp there's also equestrian facilities, archery, swimming pools, and a creek that when it's full there's all kinds of good fishing to be had.
When I tell people I'm excited about going to grief camp the first question I usually get is, "Greek camp?" and I say, "No, grief camp. Like, boo-hoo." So then then next question is invariably, "How could anyone be excited about grief camp? Do you just sit around and cry all the time?" Now honestly, if that was the case, do you think I would go back? Heck no. We tell folks that camp is 95% fun camp stuff (smores, staying up late giggling, camp songs, camp food, etc.) and 5% "someone you know died." My job is to be a cabin buddy (since we have actual licensed counselors, we can't say 'camp counselor') and last year (and I think this year) I'm in lower camp with the 8 year old girlies. I'm so stoked, you don't even know.
What you also don't even know is that these kids have been through a ridiculous amount of trauma...sometimes their sibling has died from cancer but sometimes they've witnessed really violent deaths. The crazy thing though is that they're still kids and this camp gives them a place to run around and enjoy...well, being a normal kid...where nobody is going to think they're weird or a freak because they've got all this emotional stuff going on, because everyone else there knows someone who died too. What's even more is that I really REALLY hate creepy crawlies but dude, dealing with a spider in the shower is nothing compared to watching my dad jump out of a car on the highway. This camp gives some serious perspective.
My grandfather had just passed away last year when I went and there's this part at the beginning of camp where alllll the campers and counselors and buddies sit around and the director tells people to stand up if their mom died, then those folks stand up, and then they move on to dad, then siblings, etc. I stood up when they called grandpa, and then later when we were walking with our sweet little cabin, one girl came up, grabbed my hand and looked up at me and said, "My grandpa died too." I was a puddle right then - I just looked at her and said, "Sucks, huh." And she nodded, and we walked some more.
When I tell people I'm excited about going to grief camp the first question I usually get is, "Greek camp?" and I say, "No, grief camp. Like, boo-hoo." So then then next question is invariably, "How could anyone be excited about grief camp? Do you just sit around and cry all the time?" Now honestly, if that was the case, do you think I would go back? Heck no. We tell folks that camp is 95% fun camp stuff (smores, staying up late giggling, camp songs, camp food, etc.) and 5% "someone you know died." My job is to be a cabin buddy (since we have actual licensed counselors, we can't say 'camp counselor') and last year (and I think this year) I'm in lower camp with the 8 year old girlies. I'm so stoked, you don't even know.
What you also don't even know is that these kids have been through a ridiculous amount of trauma...sometimes their sibling has died from cancer but sometimes they've witnessed really violent deaths. The crazy thing though is that they're still kids and this camp gives them a place to run around and enjoy...well, being a normal kid...where nobody is going to think they're weird or a freak because they've got all this emotional stuff going on, because everyone else there knows someone who died too. What's even more is that I really REALLY hate creepy crawlies but dude, dealing with a spider in the shower is nothing compared to watching my dad jump out of a car on the highway. This camp gives some serious perspective.
My grandfather had just passed away last year when I went and there's this part at the beginning of camp where alllll the campers and counselors and buddies sit around and the director tells people to stand up if their mom died, then those folks stand up, and then they move on to dad, then siblings, etc. I stood up when they called grandpa, and then later when we were walking with our sweet little cabin, one girl came up, grabbed my hand and looked up at me and said, "My grandpa died too." I was a puddle right then - I just looked at her and said, "Sucks, huh." And she nodded, and we walked some more.
7.23.2008
cleansing.
Mrs. McGuire (Buecker) and I decided to cleanse our bodies from the inside out, and have embarked on a journey known as the Master Cleanser or lemonade diet. This is day two and I have to admit, it's not that bad. I find a ton of other stuff to do besides eat...however I wouldn't recommend going to a grocery store...I had to get some tea from Central Market today and almost tackled an old lady for her ice cream. It's not that I'm super hungry, though - I just think "MMMMMM that would be SO GOOD right now!" but then I think about all the good I'm doing my body and how awesome that first gulp of soup is going to be in 8 days. I mean, you can do anything for 10 days, yeah?
I'm getting excited about the first week in August - I volunteer for a grief camp called El Tesoro De La Vida (the treasure of life). Last year was my first year and I am absolutely HOOKED.
I'm getting excited about the first week in August - I volunteer for a grief camp called El Tesoro De La Vida (the treasure of life). Last year was my first year and I am absolutely HOOKED.
7.22.2008
this ain't no dress rehearsal
Last night I went to have dinner with my dad in NB - he's always been quite mystified by this whole vegetarian thing. When I told him I was going to stop eating meat, he asked, "So...what do you eat at you know...restaurants?"
Um...vegetables? Is this a trick question?
I was quite pleased that he decided to grill fish last night when I threw him the "please don't grill me a portobello mushroom" curveball at him. After dinner we got in the pool and hung out for awhile and chatted. On the way home I realized that I had a really good time, and decided that I'm going to stop feeling guilty for having a halfway decent relationship with my dad. When I bounced the idea off another relative of mine, they were really really negative about it, saying that I would only have a superficial relationship with him and my stepmom and I'm such an idealist and I HAVE to be a realist about the situation blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I'm just tired of the drama. Life is far too short to carry all this baggage around, and if I'm going to get hurt for being optimistic, then fine. There's no way it could ever hurt as much as it did the first few years, when I felt my world was shattering around me.
The thing is, he's going to be 60 in September, and I don't want to have any regrets these next 20 years. Also to be fair, he's not pulled any crazy stuff since the wedding, so why stir the pot? I just feel so...over it all...and wish to at least try and walk in forgiveness, which I think is a much harder road to walk than stewing in anger.
Um...vegetables? Is this a trick question?
I was quite pleased that he decided to grill fish last night when I threw him the "please don't grill me a portobello mushroom" curveball at him. After dinner we got in the pool and hung out for awhile and chatted. On the way home I realized that I had a really good time, and decided that I'm going to stop feeling guilty for having a halfway decent relationship with my dad. When I bounced the idea off another relative of mine, they were really really negative about it, saying that I would only have a superficial relationship with him and my stepmom and I'm such an idealist and I HAVE to be a realist about the situation blah blah blah blah blah. Honestly, I'm just tired of the drama. Life is far too short to carry all this baggage around, and if I'm going to get hurt for being optimistic, then fine. There's no way it could ever hurt as much as it did the first few years, when I felt my world was shattering around me.
The thing is, he's going to be 60 in September, and I don't want to have any regrets these next 20 years. Also to be fair, he's not pulled any crazy stuff since the wedding, so why stir the pot? I just feel so...over it all...and wish to at least try and walk in forgiveness, which I think is a much harder road to walk than stewing in anger.
7.21.2008
zoom. possible batman spoiler.
weekend was awesome, filled with family, gardening, a trip to the Dallas Aquarium (I'm pretty sure I have manatee mania - I love those sea cows.), and lots of quality time with the hubs. This was the second time I had to leave my house and I'm finding that parting is less than sweet sorrow when I have to leave my house. Part of it is that we moved in and then a couple weeks later I moved to Austin, and I get so overwhelmed with stuff to do around the house and there's so much to be done...sigh. Plus this was a bit worse 'cos I don't know if I'll see Kyle this coming weekend - we're both really sick of driving but staying put means keeping hundreds of miles between us, and that sucks as well.
The only thing that made stuff slightly better was knowing that at the end of my road trip I got to see The Dark Knight at the Bob Bullock IMAX theater. I thought it was quite possibly the best movie I've ever seen. Seriously. The Joker was definitely multifaceted in his insanity, and I found myself quite sad that it was such a powerful performance, and it was one of Ledger's last. Was anyone paying attention to all the Big Brother messages in the movie and the propaganda? I mean, call me paranoid, but it was totally obvious. (If anyone wants to have an extended conversation about this, Wanted, Wall-E, and the fact that the year that the Olympics are in Beijing is the same year that a Mummy Returns movie is coming out with the premise of little Chinese terra-cotta men taking over the world, I'm down. But I digress...) I was worried that I was going to get motion sickness but really didn't until the end when the Joker's hanging upside down and they move it so he's right-side-up on the screen, still swinging...it made me woozy. Actually, I was shaking and woozy after I got out of the movie, and definitely stayed at a friend's house.
I'm also definitely going to go see it again tomorrow. Rawk.
Tomorrow also begins mine and Michelle's 10-day Master Cleanser fast. I've already downed my lovely laxative tea and have a quart of water all ready to go for the morning. Wish me...well...I'm not sure luck is going to do it this time. Wish me...endurance.
The only thing that made stuff slightly better was knowing that at the end of my road trip I got to see The Dark Knight at the Bob Bullock IMAX theater. I thought it was quite possibly the best movie I've ever seen. Seriously. The Joker was definitely multifaceted in his insanity, and I found myself quite sad that it was such a powerful performance, and it was one of Ledger's last. Was anyone paying attention to all the Big Brother messages in the movie and the propaganda? I mean, call me paranoid, but it was totally obvious. (If anyone wants to have an extended conversation about this, Wanted, Wall-E, and the fact that the year that the Olympics are in Beijing is the same year that a Mummy Returns movie is coming out with the premise of little Chinese terra-cotta men taking over the world, I'm down. But I digress...) I was worried that I was going to get motion sickness but really didn't until the end when the Joker's hanging upside down and they move it so he's right-side-up on the screen, still swinging...it made me woozy. Actually, I was shaking and woozy after I got out of the movie, and definitely stayed at a friend's house.
I'm also definitely going to go see it again tomorrow. Rawk.
Tomorrow also begins mine and Michelle's 10-day Master Cleanser fast. I've already downed my lovely laxative tea and have a quart of water all ready to go for the morning. Wish me...well...I'm not sure luck is going to do it this time. Wish me...endurance.
7.16.2008
I Smell a Rat...
...in my kitchen. Yes, ladies and gents, not only do I live in a house where I kill a roach nearly every other day (at least they're no longer the Chernobyl-flies that Kyle and I diligently killed the first two weeks I was here), there's a rat. I haven't seen it, but my two housemates have seen it, and various others. Blegh. After the exterminator comes Monday I'm hosing the whole damn place down with bleach.
I did Bikram for a second time and I swear my knees are getting stronger. I can't believe I like this stuff and subject my body to it at least once a week. I love it so much I'm contemplating cleaning the place for 2-3 hours once a week just to get unlimited yoga. The power is dizzying.
I did Bikram for a second time and I swear my knees are getting stronger. I can't believe I like this stuff and subject my body to it at least once a week. I love it so much I'm contemplating cleaning the place for 2-3 hours once a week just to get unlimited yoga. The power is dizzying.
7.15.2008
better every day
I've gotten so much done in the past day or so that it's mindblowing. All the loose ends that needed to be tied up for me scholastically are in the works - it took some biting of bullets and humility on my part, but it's better. I'm feeling far less overwhelmed, thank you so much for the awesome comments and love and such. I've also made a real attempt at cleaning my car out - you know it's serious when that happens.
7.13.2008
Operation QFA.
Yes, friends. Operation Quit F*ing Around.
I went to Houston this past weekend for *yet* another wedding and had a fantastic time just relaxing and doing net to nothing all day Saturday with the hubs and good friends. PLUS I met sweet baby Caroline...we did some hanging out, smiling together, and I taught her how to stick her feet in her mouth. Quite a productive Saturday :)
Caroline's momma is one of those girlfriends you always wish you had, especially when the girls you've previously known have been not very good at being friends. She's always had a knack for keeping me honest...I think the first thing she told me when I met her was she threatened my life if I ever broke Kyle's heart (they've been friends since high school). We got to talking about how uber organized she's gotten since having the baby and I had a good two hours to chew on one statement: "I was always really organized at work so I realized that I was capable of it, I was just lazy in my personal life." It quite literally struck me how true that is for me, how I've gotten amazing at making excuses. I'm great at excuses. Late for work? Traffic. Always, whether it was because I woke up at 7:30 or didn't get to bed until 1am the night before. Don't want to workout? It's hot/humid/my knee hurts/I nearly barfed last time. Woke up late? Not 'I decided 30 more minutes was critical to my survival and the survival of the human race' but my alarm didn't go off. Seriously. If you've got a situation, I've got an excuse. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest.
I have been frustrated lately because I do a lot of talking and not a lot of walking in a few areas of my life. I need to get my spiritual life back on track...it's been a zillion years since I've been to church and there is a aching, Jesus-sized hole in my heart right now. I could post on this for hours and hours, about how figuring out my own religion/etc. has been really interesting, especially since going to Spain, how different Kyle's and my upbringing was really different and how finding a church that satisfies the hippie in me and the conservative in him has been quite a trip. It all really boils down to me knowing and realizing that I have no doubt in my mind that I love God and Jesus and I always will, but listening to other people/books/opinions on how I should live my life just aren't really doing it for me. The problem is that the tools I used in high school and college aren't doing it for me either. So now what? I don't know.
Work-wise, I could be really digging in a whole lot more. I could be researching more, being more organized with planning my sessions, practicing more, reading up on psychiatric music therapy, and so on. I think part of this is realizing that this is my life's passion and I could be really, really, REALLY good at what I do, and it kind of freaks my crap out. Like, I want to be the brainy girl, but so many people throughout my life have doubted me, and that stuff stings. It's this crazy cycle of believing in myself, being confident in my instincts and being okay with making mistakes and then being wrought with doubt over every interaction, activity and written word...to the point that it nearly paralyzes me. And then it cycles back. Weird.
Also, I'm a disorganized piece of work, but just in my personal life, which is all kinds of frustrating. When I was younger my family shamed my "tail" - the trail of destruction I would leave through the house as I wandered through it during the day. These days I'm more organized, but I'll still lose things like my keys, my wallet, some important document so I can graduate. My friend Haley once asked, "Is it frustrating, being you?" The answer (as I'm sure I've written before in this blog) is YES. GOD YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
You might be wanting to shake me because I've got this misperception of myself, but trust me, I don't. My first inclination is to download yet another episode of gossip girl and watch it 'til I get sleepy, but I know I've got laundry to do, reading to take care of, and a journal to start.
In college I hit a rebellious patch where I would make excuses for my behavior based on the crazyness of my life. Kelli said a phrase yesterday that echoed what I said when I got tired many years ago of hurting myself and those around me: "I don't have to be that girl." I came home and nearly panicked because there are some deadlines I have ignored, important documents I have to find or else I cannot continue working on my thesis, and by golly, I freaking need some more work clothes, but have been too scared/lazy to face any of it and in the mean time have been running around having a fantastic social life in Austin but have been kind of ignoring the nagging feeling that something's off, that as grownup and awesome as I think I am, there's still a lot of work to be done. I guess this is what I get for praying for humility. Sigh. So, I made a list and I started crossing things off that list. I even went to Kohl's and bought some new black capris because my old ones are literally coming apart at the seams.
I figure that I can only go forward.
I went to Houston this past weekend for *yet* another wedding and had a fantastic time just relaxing and doing net to nothing all day Saturday with the hubs and good friends. PLUS I met sweet baby Caroline...we did some hanging out, smiling together, and I taught her how to stick her feet in her mouth. Quite a productive Saturday :)
Caroline's momma is one of those girlfriends you always wish you had, especially when the girls you've previously known have been not very good at being friends. She's always had a knack for keeping me honest...I think the first thing she told me when I met her was she threatened my life if I ever broke Kyle's heart (they've been friends since high school). We got to talking about how uber organized she's gotten since having the baby and I had a good two hours to chew on one statement: "I was always really organized at work so I realized that I was capable of it, I was just lazy in my personal life." It quite literally struck me how true that is for me, how I've gotten amazing at making excuses. I'm great at excuses. Late for work? Traffic. Always, whether it was because I woke up at 7:30 or didn't get to bed until 1am the night before. Don't want to workout? It's hot/humid/my knee hurts/I nearly barfed last time. Woke up late? Not 'I decided 30 more minutes was critical to my survival and the survival of the human race' but my alarm didn't go off. Seriously. If you've got a situation, I've got an excuse. I don't think I've ever told anyone that, and it feels kinda good to get it off my chest.
I have been frustrated lately because I do a lot of talking and not a lot of walking in a few areas of my life. I need to get my spiritual life back on track...it's been a zillion years since I've been to church and there is a aching, Jesus-sized hole in my heart right now. I could post on this for hours and hours, about how figuring out my own religion/etc. has been really interesting, especially since going to Spain, how different Kyle's and my upbringing was really different and how finding a church that satisfies the hippie in me and the conservative in him has been quite a trip. It all really boils down to me knowing and realizing that I have no doubt in my mind that I love God and Jesus and I always will, but listening to other people/books/opinions on how I should live my life just aren't really doing it for me. The problem is that the tools I used in high school and college aren't doing it for me either. So now what? I don't know.
Work-wise, I could be really digging in a whole lot more. I could be researching more, being more organized with planning my sessions, practicing more, reading up on psychiatric music therapy, and so on. I think part of this is realizing that this is my life's passion and I could be really, really, REALLY good at what I do, and it kind of freaks my crap out. Like, I want to be the brainy girl, but so many people throughout my life have doubted me, and that stuff stings. It's this crazy cycle of believing in myself, being confident in my instincts and being okay with making mistakes and then being wrought with doubt over every interaction, activity and written word...to the point that it nearly paralyzes me. And then it cycles back. Weird.
Also, I'm a disorganized piece of work, but just in my personal life, which is all kinds of frustrating. When I was younger my family shamed my "tail" - the trail of destruction I would leave through the house as I wandered through it during the day. These days I'm more organized, but I'll still lose things like my keys, my wallet, some important document so I can graduate. My friend Haley once asked, "Is it frustrating, being you?" The answer (as I'm sure I've written before in this blog) is YES. GOD YES YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
You might be wanting to shake me because I've got this misperception of myself, but trust me, I don't. My first inclination is to download yet another episode of gossip girl and watch it 'til I get sleepy, but I know I've got laundry to do, reading to take care of, and a journal to start.
In college I hit a rebellious patch where I would make excuses for my behavior based on the crazyness of my life. Kelli said a phrase yesterday that echoed what I said when I got tired many years ago of hurting myself and those around me: "I don't have to be that girl." I came home and nearly panicked because there are some deadlines I have ignored, important documents I have to find or else I cannot continue working on my thesis, and by golly, I freaking need some more work clothes, but have been too scared/lazy to face any of it and in the mean time have been running around having a fantastic social life in Austin but have been kind of ignoring the nagging feeling that something's off, that as grownup and awesome as I think I am, there's still a lot of work to be done. I guess this is what I get for praying for humility. Sigh. So, I made a list and I started crossing things off that list. I even went to Kohl's and bought some new black capris because my old ones are literally coming apart at the seams.
I figure that I can only go forward.
7.10.2008
posting once a day is hard!
My allergies have finally caught up with me. I've not been sleeping well lately...on Tuesday night after my crazy yoga session I was so wired that I went to my cousin's show and stayed out 'til 2am. Thankfully I woke up the next morning like *BING!* I also stayed out last night, but this morning I woke up totally stuffy - part of the reason is that the mold in Austin is in the moderate range, I guess from the rain and such. Yesterday I went to Zilker to run (4 miles! Yay!) and then went BACK for Blues on the Green and started sneezing. \
I've never been much of a morning person but I find that when I get about 7-8 hours of sleep I feel like a zombie (K likes to go to bed around 10:30 and wake up at 6:30) but if I go to bed around midnight and wake up at like 6:30 I'm much better off. Does this make sense to anyone else?
Blegh.
I've never been much of a morning person but I find that when I get about 7-8 hours of sleep I feel like a zombie (K likes to go to bed around 10:30 and wake up at 6:30) but if I go to bed around midnight and wake up at like 6:30 I'm much better off. Does this make sense to anyone else?
Blegh.
7.08.2008
have you ever...
done hot yoga with 49 other sweaty individuals in North Austin with a teacher guy who at the beginning of the class you thought "hey he's kind of cute in a granola-eating-hemp-wearing-kinda-way" and at the end of class contemplating running up to him in the middle of shivasina and ripping his too-big earrings out?
'cos I have. And it sucked. I made it maybe halfway through the class and I got really, REALLY dizzy so had to sit out most of it. I would sit, take some deep breaths, then try to get up again only to be accosted by MORE dizziness and at one point some blood pounding in my head so hard I couldn't sit up straight. Of course, there was a $28 for a month of unlimited yoga deal going on and I shopped like a woman ie: figured HEY! Isn't all Bikram the same (I looove my studio in Richardson/Dallas) and also an acquaintance of mine is launching an "assault on (her) body with (her) body" which sounds like a lovely idea to me...I'm tired of making excuses for my weight, tired tired tired of not liking what I see in the mirror, tired of saying "well maybe next year/month/week..."
What I should've said in the Fat Genes post was that Carlos and I discussed that we come from a fatty family. It's true - lots of my extended relatives have had what they call "the surgery" (gastric bypass) and unfortunately I have only heard of one who has really changed her life/eating habits/way of viewing herself as a result. I don't think I'll ever let myself get that far, but my point is that if I want to go in the skinny direction under my own power, I have all the tools I need right here...my hands, my brains, my legs, and my love of the outdoors. The thing that is most difficult for me is the eating. I know I must exercise portion control, I know that I must workout at least 30 minutes every SINGLE DAY or else everything goes to crap. Carlos let me in on the secret that we just have to work a lot harder than everyone else does at this losing-weight thing because of our fatty fat genes. I'm also convinced that our thyroid issues that run in the family also have something to do with it.
The other, kind of shallow thought that I have is that right now I weigh around 165. I just Googled "average pregnancy weight gain" and it's between 25 and 35 pounds and I just really REALLY don't ever want to weigh over 200 pounds, or anywhere near it. So here goes. Assault time.
'cos I have. And it sucked. I made it maybe halfway through the class and I got really, REALLY dizzy so had to sit out most of it. I would sit, take some deep breaths, then try to get up again only to be accosted by MORE dizziness and at one point some blood pounding in my head so hard I couldn't sit up straight. Of course, there was a $28 for a month of unlimited yoga deal going on and I shopped like a woman ie: figured HEY! Isn't all Bikram the same (I looove my studio in Richardson/Dallas) and also an acquaintance of mine is launching an "assault on (her) body with (her) body" which sounds like a lovely idea to me...I'm tired of making excuses for my weight, tired tired tired of not liking what I see in the mirror, tired of saying "well maybe next year/month/week..."
What I should've said in the Fat Genes post was that Carlos and I discussed that we come from a fatty family. It's true - lots of my extended relatives have had what they call "the surgery" (gastric bypass) and unfortunately I have only heard of one who has really changed her life/eating habits/way of viewing herself as a result. I don't think I'll ever let myself get that far, but my point is that if I want to go in the skinny direction under my own power, I have all the tools I need right here...my hands, my brains, my legs, and my love of the outdoors. The thing that is most difficult for me is the eating. I know I must exercise portion control, I know that I must workout at least 30 minutes every SINGLE DAY or else everything goes to crap. Carlos let me in on the secret that we just have to work a lot harder than everyone else does at this losing-weight thing because of our fatty fat genes. I'm also convinced that our thyroid issues that run in the family also have something to do with it.
The other, kind of shallow thought that I have is that right now I weigh around 165. I just Googled "average pregnancy weight gain" and it's between 25 and 35 pounds and I just really REALLY don't ever want to weigh over 200 pounds, or anywhere near it. So here goes. Assault time.
7.07.2008
this morning...
When your schedule gets crazy and you start doing things like locking your keys in your car, losing cell phones, etc., we call it "pulling a Bill" after my supervisor in Dallas who was prone to such incidents. I've been Bill-ing all morning.
First, I woke at 6am, determined to work out, shower, then catch the bus. The alarm went off and I got up, got ready, got to work, only to realize that it was a dream. I jerked awake at 7am cursing my imagination. Speaking of realizations, I had tried to remember to take my wallet out of Kyle's glove box yesterday before he drove back to Dallas yesterday but alas in a flash of comprehension right before I started tearing my room apart to look for it, my wallet whispered my name. Loudly. Because it was in Dallas. Shoot. I called Kyle to confirm and sure enough there it was in the glove box. I promised to call him from the car because I was at that point running a few minutes late for work when I discovered, yes, I was out of gas. Like, drove home with the light on last week after Michelle & Cody's wedding. Luckily I found a $5 which got me a whole 1.2 gallons and then came to work, eager to dive into a cup of French Roast courtesy of my supervisor. But alas, I had forgotten to dump out some coffee from last Wednesday, so all I saw when I looked into my cup were two floating roaches.
yeah. I threw that cup away.
First, I woke at 6am, determined to work out, shower, then catch the bus. The alarm went off and I got up, got ready, got to work, only to realize that it was a dream. I jerked awake at 7am cursing my imagination. Speaking of realizations, I had tried to remember to take my wallet out of Kyle's glove box yesterday before he drove back to Dallas yesterday but alas in a flash of comprehension right before I started tearing my room apart to look for it, my wallet whispered my name. Loudly. Because it was in Dallas. Shoot. I called Kyle to confirm and sure enough there it was in the glove box. I promised to call him from the car because I was at that point running a few minutes late for work when I discovered, yes, I was out of gas. Like, drove home with the light on last week after Michelle & Cody's wedding. Luckily I found a $5 which got me a whole 1.2 gallons and then came to work, eager to dive into a cup of French Roast courtesy of my supervisor. But alas, I had forgotten to dump out some coffee from last Wednesday, so all I saw when I looked into my cup were two floating roaches.
yeah. I threw that cup away.
7.06.2008
Whirlwind Wedding Weekend
I am laying in bed at 4:30pm on Sunday, trying to decide if I want to pass out or get up and do something. The jury's been out for at least an hour thusfar. Sunday night I ended up staying out late at a bachelorette party and on the way home convinced Kyle that staying home instead of driving to McAllen for our second wedding of the weekend was a good idea...I was exhausted. I knew he really wanted to go to the wedding though so we decided to reconsider in the morning...about 8 or 9am so we could get there early and get ready. Well, I woke up at 10:15am and FREAKED out because we were running late - Kyle had decided to let me sleep! I felt so ridiculously guilty that I started grabbing stuff and we got in the car and 5 hours later we were in McAllen! Why is communication so difficult sometimes?!
7.03.2008
super wedding weekend!
Last night was Cody & Michelle's rehearsal dinner, tonight is the wedding - and I get to see Kyle and I'm stoked because I didn't see him last weekend - and tomorrow is one of my favorite holidays (due entirely to the presence of fireworks) plus a bachelorette party and hanging out with some girls I haven't seen in way too long :) Then Saturday we're packing up and headed to McAllen for the Carter/Medina wedding! We're staying down there that night of course, then we'll be back on Sunday. Phew. I'll post pics soon I promise :)
7.02.2008
I have a fever...
sometimes I get in super practicing modes - seriously, this is one of those times. I'm inspired by my supervisors because they all have mad guitar/frame drumming/drumming/singing/improvisational skills and I feel not that I'm so far behind but that I have so much to keep learning and learning and learning. I learned bar (barr?) chords this morning and am learning a song I've wanted to learn since high school (Jewel's Morning Song) because I now know a) how to play the guitar and b) my supervisor came in and threw down the chords for me. It was exhilarating.
Did I mention that I love this internship? Seriously.
Did I mention that I love this internship? Seriously.
Music Therapy Step 1: Plug in the CD Player.
It's lunchtime and I'm laying on my bed trying to relax for a few more minutes before going back to work. I came all the way down south for lunch because I had to pick up my bridesmaids dress for the Buecker/McGuire wedding...too bad my dress won't be done 'til tomorrow...no stress.
My very first session of the day was way interesting - I've temporarily taken over for an art therapist who resigned so I decided to do some passive music listening with drawing to transition between art and music therapy. In the first 5 minutes two patients got in a fight and one started screaming...I didn't think it was effecting me but I looked down and my hands were shaking as I tried to get markers from my bag. Once things got settled down I asked them if they knew what Friday was (they mostly got it right) and I asked them to draw 4th of July pictures. Then I went to put a CD of Whitney Houston singing the Star Spangled Banner and the CD player wouldn't work. I pushed every button, checked the cords going to the stereo, everything. My supervisor's supervisor, who was there helping me get settled in asked, "Well, is it plugged in?" I nodded yes because I had plugged it in when we first gotten there but it had apparently gotten unplugged in the chaos. Doh.
Everyone participated for the most part...one person drew an eagle, someone else drew hot dogs and watermelon...the patient who usually draws inappropriate stuff was in rare form today and showed me all kinds of um...drawings. The experience was definitely a lesson in boundaries - one of the patients got demoted a level for touching my bum. I hardly noticed because the space is tight and I was scooting through some chairs.
Anyhow - woohoo! First session down. I also did a really cool one-on-one session with an elderly patient who has beautiful, gnarled hands, today who has problems talking but has a fantastic singing voice. It was way inspiring for many reasons. He sometimes has delusions and tries to say he's God or Jesus and the thought that struck me was "well...so what if he is?" Loving the unloved/unlovable is part of the job description, yeah?
7.01.2008
Post a Day
I'm going to see if I can post at least once every day in July. I know I haven't been writing much about my internship but it's mostly because I don't know what is okay to write about and what is not. Also, I've been learning loads about myself and am trying to work all this stuff out in other ways, like journaling, getting back in touch with God and of course, going out dancing as much as I can handle.
But I do know that if taboo crap goes down I can always have a Quote of the Day (too bad it's not May). So here's a couple to get you through your day:
But I do know that if taboo crap goes down I can always have a Quote of the Day (too bad it's not May). So here's a couple to get you through your day:
(from last week)
Therapist: "So your brother is a preacher?"
Patient: "No, my brother is a heathen shit."
*you'd have to know the woman who said it to think it's as hilarious as falling out of a chair warranted, but I nearly did just that.
Therapist: "So your brother is a preacher?"
Patient: "No, my brother is a heathen shit."
*you'd have to know the woman who said it to think it's as hilarious as falling out of a chair warranted, but I nearly did just that.
June 1st
"Awesome dead possum" - Educator Sub guy
"Awesome dead possum" - Educator Sub guy
Jason Mraz
No Bretteness, my cousin isn't Jason Mraz - I get weird enough looks from people when I tell them my cousin (the one on the left - your left, not their left) is super hot but I'm sure people would look at me like I'm downright crazy when I said I had a mad hott crush on my cousin because oh by the way he's Jason Mraz. I mean, that would be incestuous and totally gross. Totally awesome, but totally gross.
No, Carlos and the rest of the Grooveline is on tour as Jason's horn section. I was suprised to read on Jason's site that he's really influenced by Bob Schneider. It's all about the degrees of separation in the music world, seems like. By the way, if you like reading blogs, you should read his. They're clever and sometimes include little songs he writes.
No, Carlos and the rest of the Grooveline is on tour as Jason's horn section. I was suprised to read on Jason's site that he's really influenced by Bob Schneider. It's all about the degrees of separation in the music world, seems like. By the way, if you like reading blogs, you should read his. They're clever and sometimes include little songs he writes.
6.23.2008
fat genes
my cousin has me hooked on running at Town...er...Lady Bird Lake.
i like running with him - (did i just say "i like" and "running" in the same sentence? my we've come a long way haven't we) we make each other laugh...i run like a turtle with asthma and he air drums solos. i'm going to really miss him when he's on tour.
6.20.2008
i think i broke my foot.
my left foot started hurting last weekend when i was wearing heels...shooting pains in my arch. They were intense when I wore heels but subsided when I wore flats. Tonight after running 4 miles I went dancing and in the middle of a salsa WHAM pain shot through my foot. Should I go to the doctor? Probably...
6.18.2008
meeeelllltiiiiiiinnnnng
triathlon behind me (and I think I mentioned this in a previous post) my new goal is to become a stronger runner. I'm starting from scratch, as per a borrowed book about marathon training for the non runner. I ran Monday and Tuesday this week at Lady Bird Lake right after work. That's right. 5:30pm. I've always been a super wuss about doing ANYTHING in the heat (except swimming) until I did a couple Bikram Yoga classes last month. I figure that if I can do THAT in the heat, I can work out. Also, it's not like races are held at 2am just so I can be cool and crisp as I cross the finish line. In fact, the oppressive heat was a big motivator for me to get the heck off that triathlon coarse before I heatstroked. So anyway, running when it's hot as balls outside is no fun, and I've given up drinking pretty much anything but water and tea during the day, with the occasional glass of wine at dinner just because I need to stay hydrated throughout the day. I ran today too, just got back from it (BLEGH) and I am SUPER stinky. I thought about maybe NOT showering because I'm going to go salsa dancing tonight but for the sake of my dance partners my stanky self needs a shower.
6.16.2008
about that triathlon...
Part of me still cannot believe that I woke up at 5:30am to drive out to East Austin with Kate and swim/bike/run my Sunday morning away, but that's what I did on June 8th. Thankfully, K was in town, which was a great big motivator for me :) Somehow with both of us there we still managed to *not* remember the camera, so I'll try to paint pictures with my words.
When Kate and I drove up it was still dark, and we loaded up busses that would take us out to the tri staging area. We got our stuff laid out for the tri (we had racked our bikes the night before) and headed over to watch the swimmer start, which is about when the nervous giggles began. No, "giggles" is not at all the right word - I would burst into laughter every couple minutes or so because part of my brain kept nudging me in the ribs and saying, "dude. you're seriously doing this?" and I would crack up at the absurdity. The butterflies in my stomach were quiet until about the time that Kate and I made it down to the water, when they started stretching their wings.
We spent a lot of time watching Sally Edwards motivate colour groups and give them an adjective to insert into mantras like "I am a lightning fast swimmer/biker/runner." Every colour group got their own adjective. I was going for "bitchin'" but doubted that would be the word of our day and I laughed when Sally asked the crowd, "What kind of swimmer are you?!" and the lady next to me yelled, "SLOW!" Kate and I did some warming up in the lake and then headed over to watch a swim exit, which was pretty uneventful until there was a huddle on the beach. A girl clearly needed help getting out of the water and Kate and I both gasped when someone had to carry her out of the water. We thought maybe she had hurt herself because her legs were limp as she was carried out of the water but someone turned around and said, "She's in a wheelchair." I looked over at Kate and we both burst into tears simultaneously. That shut the butterflies up - if she could do it, then certainly I could.
As we lined up behind the group preparing to depart, the butterflies had turned from itty bitty sluggish not-awake-yet creatures into giant, vibrant things, smashing their wings against each other as I inched closer to the water. Our colour groups word ended up being powerful which would throughout the race prove to be the most inspiring thing I could say to myself. It really was incredibly helpful to say to myself "I am a powerful biker...heck...I am a powerful woman!" in my moments of weakness throughout the race.
Kate and I had decided (stupidly) to start out at the front to get away from everyone at the start. I quickly realized that there were lots of 25-30 year-olds who were MUCH faster swimmers than me. I then also quickly realized that I was hyperventilating because I was so freaked out by the bodies churning the water beside me. I did some breast stroke and took some deep breaths and scooted over to the left side of the pack where there was much more room for me to swim. Looking back on my time I was only in the water for 24 minutes, which was far shorter than my training swims, which surprised me. The most difficult part of the swim was that the wind was blowing water into my mouth and I therefore ended up feeling nauseous as I ran from the lake to the transition area. About the last buoy (i had to look that stupid word up. booey? boie? buyie?) I discovered that if I turned almost all the way over to breathe I had a much better time, but of course that was too late. I loved when upon clambering out of the water I grabbed the hand of a volunteer and he asked my name and then announced to the crowd, "CHRISTINA EVERYBODY!" and the crowd cheered for me :)
The transition from swim to bike was not too difficult...I tried to get most of the dirt and grass off my feet (I had a towel near my bike) before I put my socks and shoes on to not much of an avail. I had pre-pinned my number to the shirt Danskin gave us so in about 5 minutes I was ready to go. The ride was pretty uneventful...I saw Sarah and K walking to the tri site as I headed out on my bike. There was a fantastic tail wind on the first long stretch and I rode easily, burping lake water the whole way.
Then, I came to my first hill, who I lovingly refer to as "Sneaky Bastard" because you come to a sharp right and BAM there's a hill - pretty much straight up. I giggled to myself as I heard fellow women turn the corner and mutter expletives that were not-so-ladylike as they came to grips with what was before them. I made it halfway up and walked when I could shift no lower. Thankfully a guy at the top had some yummy Clif goo for me to down which gloriously masked the lake water taste in my mouth. That was the first of two hills I walked the last bit of. Things that helped me get through the bike were singing Jimmy Eat World's "The Middle" to myself and my meandering mind. I tried to make sense of why so many women (approximately 3,000 at this race) would be so insane to spend money to do this to ourselves. I thought about what we as women go through and how good I felt on the bike after warming up on the swim and my will to continue was bolstered by the fact that a trying event had made me stronger and better on the current one.
But enough of the sappy allegories.
The transition from bike to run was a completely different story - by the time I got to my towel and changed shoes I could no longer feel my legs. I was also ticked because I couldn't find a bobby pin to control my bangs so had to furiously gather my hair into a bun on top of my head. Sarah and Kyle were there cheering me on and I grabbed Kyle and gave him what he describes as the most disgusting smooch of his life. I grabbed some yummy Sport Beans which are also, by the way better than burping lake water, and trotted off 'til I was sure K and Sarah could no longer see me, then I walked. I did SOME running - mostly interval stuff. I was shocked that the course was cross-country, and tried to run as much as I could. I was so FLIPPING exhausted at this point that all I wanted to do was stop but then women would run by and encourage me and I would start running again.
The Danskin folks have a really sick sense of humor because there is a pretty massive hill right before the end of the race. A woman I walked up next to said that she didn't think she could finish and I spent a good 10 minutes letting her know that if I didn't see her at the finish line I would carry her across myself. Someone else then came to her side and I trotted off a bit and ended up walking with another woman who was in a red tri suit. I don't even remember her name, but we started chatting and as other women would run past us and say "You guys are AWESOME!" we would turn to each other and say, "We ARE awesome!" and high five. We were delirious at this point so we started fantasizing about strawberry margaritas and joking about how super hot we would look crossing the finish line. About 200 yards from the finish she looked over at me and said, "How ya feeling?" and I replied, "Like running, you?"
Now, at this point I feel like I should pause and say how uniMAGINABLY exhausted I was. I mean, I had swam half a mile, biked 12, and nearly run a 5k, I could barely feel my legs and my brain was screaming, "You want to WHAT the last 200 yards?!?!" But we kicked it up and started running. The announcers turned on some Salsa music (just for me, of course) and Kate, who had finished about 15 minutes ahead of me, came to run across the line. The photos of this are fantastic - we were all 3 laughing and high-fiving each other the whole way :)
I hugged Kate and then I hugged K and immediately burst into big wet weepy tears - I'm even getting a little misty-eyed thinking about it. I had freaking done it. I was officially a triathlete. Get me some pasta. We were handed snacky bags but I got 3/4 of the way through a banana and nearly threw it up. The four of us packed up and headed out of the tri area, and K kept beaming at me and telling me how proud of me he was. I was still kind of in shock that I had actually made it through. Maybe I was stronger than I thought I was. That's what I liked about the tri - that the whole thing was something that no one else could do for me, that it was something I had to do all by myself...and I MADE it! I confessed to K that I was really glad I wasn't last (Sally Edwards is always the last woman across the finish line...she is awesome)...I finished way ahead of many folks, the whole thing done in about 2.5 hours.
I went home and showered and we went to a friends house for a cookout, and I ate way more than I thought was humanly possible...then I drove home and passed out. I slept very VERY well that night, of course I woke up and went to a free Austin Symphony concert out at the Long Center before seriously crashing out. Kate and I went to Central Market and got lots of yummies and ended up slightly tipsy on 6oz of canned champagne that evening.
A million pounds of love go out to the wonderful Miss Kate for being my training buddy, for leading the way, and for always believing in me. I wouldn't have been able to complete it nor would I have had nearly as much fun with out her.
So...that's it. There's a tri on labor day that I'm thinking about either actually doing or training for. For now I'm just working on running a few days a week and getting on my bike as much as possible. If anyone out there wants to do the Danskin next year, I will happily train with you. Kate and I decided loosely that we're going to work toward a 5 year plan of doing an Ironman. I'll be 30. That'll be a good enough excuse and I can do little races along the way.
Bring it.
6.12.2008
starting over
my running totally blows, so I borrowed a book from Kate called Marathon Training for Non-Runners and am going way back and starting from scratch. Tonight I jogged 5 minutes, walked 5 minutes x3, and will probably again tomorrow. Next week is jogging 10 minutes, walk 5 minutes x 2. I don't know that I'll ever do a marathon (unless I do an Ironman, more on that later) but from what I hear training is much better than actually doing it.
I'll actually update soon - I'm still kind of processing the whole triathlon thing.
In other news, I biked to and from work yesterday and need to take a pic of my bruise before it fades because it is MASSIVE! I kept forgetting to clip out of my pedals and when I did would bonk into the side of the pedal. The bruise is all kinds of impressive.
6.09.2008
brick
I can't decide what is causing my funk today, whether it's because I'm coming down off such a ridiculous high of a weekend that included Alamo Drafthouse, Taco Shack, grilling out with friends, getting an Epiphone mandolin for our upcoming anniversary, and kicking ass at a triathlon and a free night of swing on the lawn of the Long Center courtesy of the Austin Symphony with the lovely Kate (nearly) ALL with my husband in tow (and Jake to be all jumpy and excited every time we took him out to run around) or that when I walked in to my room after dropping the wonderful husband off on Sunday afternoon before the Symphony concert I was struck with how sad and quiet my room was without him and the dog in it.
I decided to try and cheer myself up with some dark chocolate and some big happy sunflowers from Central Market.
6.05.2008
biking.
I just Google-mapsed (I love that verbing) it and it's only 8 miles from where I live to work. EIGHT MILES and it takes me at least half an hour to get to work. I could do that on my bike. I think I will. Tomorrow.
I've had enough of being a hermit and am hungry and left my leftovers at work today...and it's First Thursday so...off to SoCo! I am going to get some cupcakes from that Airstream I see parked there every day :)
24 hours 'til I see my love! YES!
6.04.2008
shout out
the background is courtesy of cutest blog on the block
here's why I'm exhausted and going to bed at 10pm tonight:
Thursday: moved, painted, organized, went to Kenichi for sushi
Friday: ran errands, bought stuff to decorate, drove to NB
Saturday: went tubing, got sunburned
Sunday: went to an AWESOME (awesomely FREE) Bob Schneider concert at Lakeway Resort
Monday: went running with the Danger folks
Tuesday: biked, ate dinner, went to the Dog and Duck for pint night, tried to retrieve my wallet at Lucky Lounge, stayed for a few songs
I think I jumped a little too quickly back into the Austin scene, and this weekend is going to be jammie packed so I'm going to take the next few days to regroup, maybe sew some stuff :)
Wel...come...to...the...Danger Zone
That's the name our little Austin fit club has come up with because, obviously, we have a built-in theme song. And yes we're probably going to make shirts. Anyway, it's this little group of folks who's committed to working out together - Monday we ran (in like 100+ degree weather, blegh) and today (Tuesday) we biked Shoal Creek. Tomorrow is swimming in Barton Springs and then tomorrow by golly I think I'm going to need a break. I can feel the introvert in me struggling toward the surface because let's face it: I've been busily reacquainting myself with all things Austin and old friends, and it's kind of time to spend some quiet time alone.
Internship training is going quite well - I'm in with the new hires so it's a lot of "don't lick the patients, don't share needles etc. etc." but the coolest things by far have been today's extinguishing of fires (literal fires) and the lady who came and spoke of her "recovery" (and by recovery I mean "management") of her schizophrenia. I take lots of naps during break times, usually not because I am tired but because it is so dang difficult to sit in that dang room all day. I think tomorrow there will be a bit of variation in my schedule, which I'm excited about.
What I'm also excited about is first and foremost snuggling all weekend with the hubs (ONLY THREE MORE DAYS!! LESS THAN THAT EVEN!) and seeing the Wallners, and the Danskin Triathlon! I've learned over the last couple days that I am NOT a fast runner or biker, but I'm totally sure I'll make it through. On the bike ride, a guy asked if we were training for the Danskin and wished us luck - it was a total confidence booster :) Today I need to get my back tire checked out 'cos it keeps going flat, and get my clips/pedals put in place...THEN I need to practice to make sure I don't tump over on Sunday :)
5.30.2008
Day 1.5
This morning was rather hectic - I freaked out because I had lost my keys and was supposed to run errands and drop off some books and things in Lewisville but after losing my car keys for a good hour (they were on the kitchen table under some napkins - doh) I just stayed home and waited for K to get home/have lunch/help me pack and decided it would be okay for me to send the books back tomorrow in the mail.
I made it to Austin around 4pm and set to work painting my room and getting everything put together - it took about five and a half hours to get the room painted, all my stuff moved in, the light switch and one outlet replaced (there are more to do but those two took too long, but I still feel like wonder woman 'cos I did those two ;op) I have a closet but no rod for my clothes so I'm living out of about four suitcases right now.
Carlos went running at Zilker and upon arriving back home informed me we had reservations at Kenichi at 10:30pm. Why eat so late? I live with musicians, and the unfortunate thing for my upcoming eight-to-fiver is that we are ALL night owls. We hopped on Carlos's motorcycle and all I could think of at first was all the statistics of head injuries and a client-to-be of mine at my internship that oops fell off the back of a truck one night and hit his head and now he's a not at all walking, barely talking individual because no I wasn't wearing a helmet. But when we came over the hill on South 1st and the skyline stretched before us, I forgot everything except the exhilarating love I have for this city, for the opportunity to be here. I even for half a second forgot about how bummed I am that K isn't here with me, but it all rushed back rather quickly. Dinner was of course incredible, and then we walked down and had a double espresso at Halcyon. After all that I have a hard time believing that things are going to be any more awesome. I told C that us living together is going to be way more fun than it would've been when I was in college because I've grown up a lot. I'm excited about being roomies with C and F - I've never lived with boys (except K) and have also never lived so closely with musicians. It was cool earlier because I got to hear them rehearse and write music...it was a cool insight to the whole process.
So tomorrow - C leaves on a trip and I'm going to hopefully get my room/the bathroom more up to working order. I have dreams of running at Zilker and getting my bike fixed but seeing as it's 3:14 am it's looking less and less likely. Saturday I'll be tubing it up with my NB boys and Sunday there may be a Bob Schneider show in the works. Who knows. Then I start my job MONDAY! Crazy.
5.28.2008
i FOUND it!
Blessed
I think Sarah has me scheduled for something fun every day this weekend just so I won't get lonely my first weekend in Austin. I forgot to mention this in the last post but the other reason I picked Austin is because I knew being away from K and the kind of work I would be doing, I would need a tremendous support group. I am continually awed and humbled by my awesome friends :)
5.27.2008
Accountability
Sunday (sick)
Monday (sick)
Tuesday AM - ran .84 miles, PM - planning on one more bikram session w/Candace :)
I hate that I got sick and had to not work out those days. Grrr...
5.26.2008
3 Days
I am moving to Austin on Thursday. Packing commences tomorrow because today I am recovering from a Memorial Day/Weekend camping trip that was LOTS of fun, but I drank beer and ate meat in the same day and it's wreaking unholy havoc on my intestines. Lesson learned.
K and I went to Ikea and got me something to sleep on...I've gotta sew up a cover for the little futon (which will by the way be on sale in 6 months) but my machine is still packed up, so I'll wait 'til I get stuff set up and can make a run to the fabric store. I'm taking a very minimalist approach to this living situation - the room is not all that large and quite frankly all I need besides somewhere to sleep is a dresser, a closet, and maybe a lamp or two. I get to paint it, too, so I have to decide on that colour. Hm.
Anyway, I cried for the first time last night about not being able to vent and cuddle with the hubs every night...sometimes I think I'm totally insane for doing this. Then I think "Hey - I've never lived on my own before, this'll be a grand adventure." Something somewhere in between is where I'm sure I will land. I decided on Austin because well, I love Austin, duh. It will be so interesting to get to experience the city not as a student with band and class obligations. There are some other really important things to remember. First, I have little to no experience in the psychiatric arena. This setting will have me way outside my comfort zone and hopefully will provide me with opportunities to grow. Speaking of growing, I will be by myself, yes, but I have to finish my thesis, study up for my orals, and also study for my music therapy board certification. This will give me the opportunity to develop professionally and personally and not have to worry about all the little things that go along with having a house, a dog, a husband - cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of the dog, picking up after myself and someone else. Do not misunderstand me...I thoroughly enjoy being married and all the little things it entails...I am just...easily distracted :) and if I don't have a house to futs with, I'll get much more done in terms of schoolwork. Especially because 9 times out of 10 if I have something to do and K says "Hey let's watch a movie/go eat somewhere/work on stuff in the garden" I'm going to do that and procrastinate on school stuff. Finally, I'll be done in December. That right there is motivating me in so many ways it's almost difficult for me to endure these three days and just get started already.
So yeah - working at the nut house. I'm sure I'll have lots of great stories.
K and I went to Ikea and got me something to sleep on...I've gotta sew up a cover for the little futon (which will by the way be on sale in 6 months) but my machine is still packed up, so I'll wait 'til I get stuff set up and can make a run to the fabric store. I'm taking a very minimalist approach to this living situation - the room is not all that large and quite frankly all I need besides somewhere to sleep is a dresser, a closet, and maybe a lamp or two. I get to paint it, too, so I have to decide on that colour. Hm.
Anyway, I cried for the first time last night about not being able to vent and cuddle with the hubs every night...sometimes I think I'm totally insane for doing this. Then I think "Hey - I've never lived on my own before, this'll be a grand adventure." Something somewhere in between is where I'm sure I will land. I decided on Austin because well, I love Austin, duh. It will be so interesting to get to experience the city not as a student with band and class obligations. There are some other really important things to remember. First, I have little to no experience in the psychiatric arena. This setting will have me way outside my comfort zone and hopefully will provide me with opportunities to grow. Speaking of growing, I will be by myself, yes, but I have to finish my thesis, study up for my orals, and also study for my music therapy board certification. This will give me the opportunity to develop professionally and personally and not have to worry about all the little things that go along with having a house, a dog, a husband - cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, taking care of the dog, picking up after myself and someone else. Do not misunderstand me...I thoroughly enjoy being married and all the little things it entails...I am just...easily distracted :) and if I don't have a house to futs with, I'll get much more done in terms of schoolwork. Especially because 9 times out of 10 if I have something to do and K says "Hey let's watch a movie/go eat somewhere/work on stuff in the garden" I'm going to do that and procrastinate on school stuff. Finally, I'll be done in December. That right there is motivating me in so many ways it's almost difficult for me to endure these three days and just get started already.
So yeah - working at the nut house. I'm sure I'll have lots of great stories.
5.24.2008
Accountability
5/23 - Rested
5/24 - AM Bikram, sweated more than the first time...seriously. Niagra-like sweating. I think my cold is gone, though, and I can sure breathe more easily. Totally rad.
I have a 5 days for $5 thing at the yoga place, so that'll be my workout for the next couple days. Much needed. I did research on Christianity and yoga, because it's taboo for lots of folks. One side of the argument says that the poses are inseparable from Hindu faith practice, which I understand. However, how can I commune with Krishna during those poses? I do not worship Krishna, don't even know him/her. I do know Jesus, and pray during yoga - I breathe out negativity and breathe in Peace, Grace, and Understanding. I don't say Namaste, do not bow at the end, I just give thanks to God for the hour of peace and quiet I've just enjoyed.
Thoughts?
5/24 - AM Bikram, sweated more than the first time...seriously. Niagra-like sweating. I think my cold is gone, though, and I can sure breathe more easily. Totally rad.
I have a 5 days for $5 thing at the yoga place, so that'll be my workout for the next couple days. Much needed. I did research on Christianity and yoga, because it's taboo for lots of folks. One side of the argument says that the poses are inseparable from Hindu faith practice, which I understand. However, how can I commune with Krishna during those poses? I do not worship Krishna, don't even know him/her. I do know Jesus, and pray during yoga - I breathe out negativity and breathe in Peace, Grace, and Understanding. I don't say Namaste, do not bow at the end, I just give thanks to God for the hour of peace and quiet I've just enjoyed.
Thoughts?
5.22.2008
hear that?
it's the sound of my ovaries. screaming.
maybe because i've made thousands of trips up and down the stairs to my apartment carrying loaded boxes today and am finally coming to grips with the fact that we have a HOUSE and it's totally awesome and cozy and totally us...but, I was sent a link to one of my best friend's newborn baby daughter's first photo shoot and i cried.
maybe because i've made thousands of trips up and down the stairs to my apartment carrying loaded boxes today and am finally coming to grips with the fact that we have a HOUSE and it's totally awesome and cozy and totally us...but, I was sent a link to one of my best friend's newborn baby daughter's first photo shoot and i cried.
5.21.2008
Accountability
Monday: AM - Ran .5 miles, PM - walked 30 minutes
Tuesday: AM - Walked 3 miles, PM - Biked 13 miles
Wednesday: AM - Ran .67 miles
Thursday: AM - Walked 2.2 miles, PM - hot yoga for an hour
Tuesday: AM - Walked 3 miles, PM - Biked 13 miles
Wednesday: AM - Ran .67 miles
Thursday: AM - Walked 2.2 miles, PM - hot yoga for an hour
5.20.2008
still doing that triathlon thing
between the last weeks of school, moving, being sick, and grandpa passing away my triathlon training routine has completely gone to crap. I am confident enough in my swimming and biking to know that I can make it through those two portions of the race. It's just the running that's been tough. The loss of my beloved iPod was also a setback because I pretty much can't run or bike without music. Anyhow, I ran a little more than half a mile yesterday morning and walked for 30 minutes last night. This morning, I walked my dog 3 miles and plan to either do the same this evening or do a swim or bike session. I plan to keep the following workout schedule: run/swim/run/bike/run/swim/run/bike etc. because I need to work up my running slowly so I don't hurt myself but also get back into the biking/swimming thing. I hope I make it through this thing with a smile on my face...
whirlwind
So last week we got everything moved in on the same day that my grandfather-in-law passed away so it was kind of a scramble to get things taken care of before we had to leave town for 5 days.
Anyone who's been married knows that it takes a few years to get really comfy with the in-laws and I felt like this trip, perhaps because the nature of it, I was just another one of the crowd. It was nice because my mom even flew up for the wake & the funeral. I played my first funeral at the request of grandma K - "Jesus Loves Me" and "You Are My Sunshine" both of which are on the Music Therapy Top 10 List. One of the aunts even procured a guitar for me in St. Louis, which was a total blessing because the options for getting my guitar up there were a) Take it as a carryon, but it was outside the width/height requirement b) Check it (no way man) or c) BUY IT ITS OWN SEAT ON THE PLANE. Does anyone actually DO option c? Anyway, all the grandkids got up to sing during the funeral, which went pretty well until the last line of "You Are My Sunshine" where we all choked at the same time. I was told it was good and that we just kept singing but I don't remember any of that. Grandpa was in the Navy during WWII so they had the whole military ceremony for his burial which was absolutely beautiful.
So now we're back home - the hubs was sick yesterday but we got a considerable amount of stuff cleared away...I have a TON of pictures and such to post but I can't for the life of me find the cord that I need to do that ;op
Anyone who's been married knows that it takes a few years to get really comfy with the in-laws and I felt like this trip, perhaps because the nature of it, I was just another one of the crowd. It was nice because my mom even flew up for the wake & the funeral. I played my first funeral at the request of grandma K - "Jesus Loves Me" and "You Are My Sunshine" both of which are on the Music Therapy Top 10 List. One of the aunts even procured a guitar for me in St. Louis, which was a total blessing because the options for getting my guitar up there were a) Take it as a carryon, but it was outside the width/height requirement b) Check it (no way man) or c) BUY IT ITS OWN SEAT ON THE PLANE. Does anyone actually DO option c? Anyway, all the grandkids got up to sing during the funeral, which went pretty well until the last line of "You Are My Sunshine" where we all choked at the same time. I was told it was good and that we just kept singing but I don't remember any of that. Grandpa was in the Navy during WWII so they had the whole military ceremony for his burial which was absolutely beautiful.
So now we're back home - the hubs was sick yesterday but we got a considerable amount of stuff cleared away...I have a TON of pictures and such to post but I can't for the life of me find the cord that I need to do that ;op
5.13.2008
sadness
Grandpa Kleisly passed away yesterday so we're going to St. Louis tomorrow evening. I'll write more later. Sorry, guys.
5.11.2008
house hilariousness
okay so between finishing up school and getting ready to move (TOMORROW!) I've been terribly lax in updating. Here's a few headlines (I'll post more to this when I get the chance)
1. We finished the fence!
2. my husband passed out!
3. Jake escaped his harness...a little like Houdini, kind of amazing!
4. I swung and missed on YET ANOTHER paint colour!
5. Need to make salsa? I will in a few months be totally ready for it!
5.06.2008
one of those days...
The plan for the day has fallen miserably through the cracks. So much for productivity. It started with a big red blob of a rain storm this morning that crashed through Carrollton at about 8:30am and made the power go off. So, I couldn't shower OR eat breakfast. When stuff finally got back to normal, I made it to school, put together the new SAMT president's binder, then had to go to the student union office to get sandwiches for our intern party tonight where NEITHER of the folks I needed to talk to were in, and then I realized that I had left my phone at home so I had to drive ALL the way back to Carrollton to get it because I'd left it as my contact whenever the union people got back. I got home, searched EVERYWHERE for my phone and couldn't find it, then remembered this morning when I reached in the back seat to get my backpack...yup, my phone was in the back seat the whole time.
My best friend Haley once asked, "Is it really frustrating, being you?" I think we all know the answer to that question.
In other news, I registered for the triathlon today. Should probably get back into training every day. Also, I got 7 paint samples up on the wall yesterday to cover over barfy blue. Hopefully we can decide in the next couple days.
5.05.2008
If I looked on the bedside table next to you, what would I find?
My bible, a lamp, a journal, and some tissues
Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Depends on if anyone's home or not.
Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Some are folded, some are thrown in.
Sleep on your back or stomach?
Side
Are you a cuddler?
YES YES YES
What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
Nothing right now, it's all packed away
Something that happened today that made you angry?
Nothing at all - I've been up since 5 and have been by myself, so...nothing really.
What were you doing before this survey?
Catching up on internet stuff, ABOUT to finish my paper and then I saw this. Thanks, D.
What will you do after the survey?
Finish a term paper
Marriage or living together?
Mawedge
What shirt are you wearing now?
A black halter with a purple half-sweater
Do you sing?
It's part of my job description
Do you de-label your beer bottles?
every last one.
Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Hide them, mostly
Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
of course
First thing you do when you wake up?
blow my nose
Ever had surgery?
Wisdom teeth taken out
Last argument you got into with?
hubs - it probably had to do with moving/house renovations
Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
I don't buy water bottles any more
What's one good thing about your best friend?
she's been there for 20 years and will be there forever :)
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Depends on if my sleepmate is snoring or not
Current song on myspace?
I recently ditched myspace.
When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
gosh, yes.
If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
of COURSE! Unless it was a poo-flinging monkey
What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
nothing - just my iChat
What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
moving to Austin, tailgating, starting my internship, living in the same city as most of my bestest girl friends :)
Who are you texting?
nobody right this minute
It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
Well before this week I would have said at a music therapy session and then working on schoolwork, but for the next few weeks it's going to be working on the house and moving and then after THAT I'll get off work at 5pm and probably go somewhere to work on my thesis.
Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be?
My husband. Honestly. Oh, and maybe James McAvoy.
Your Christmas list consists of?
Lowe's/Home Depot/Anthropologie gift cards :)
You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
H&M
You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
How do you feel about your hair?
Thinking about dying it blonde.
What movie is in your DVD player?
Nothing. I think the DVD player is packed already.
If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
SPAIN.
How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
What matters is that I still get butterflies when Kyle looks at me :)
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
I got some English breakfast tea and am overlooking the lake at Mozart's
How many TRUE best friends do you have?
I'm blessed with a few - boys and girls.
What would you change about your life right now?
Nothing, really.
What’s the best feeling in the world?
My bible, a lamp, a journal, and some tissues
Do you go to the bathroom with the door open or closed?
Depends on if anyone's home or not.
Are your underwear and socks folded in your drawer or just thrown in?
Some are folded, some are thrown in.
Sleep on your back or stomach?
Side
Are you a cuddler?
YES YES YES
What would I find if I looked UNDER your bed?
Nothing right now, it's all packed away
Something that happened today that made you angry?
Nothing at all - I've been up since 5 and have been by myself, so...nothing really.
What were you doing before this survey?
Catching up on internet stuff, ABOUT to finish my paper and then I saw this. Thanks, D.
What will you do after the survey?
Finish a term paper
Marriage or living together?
Mawedge
What shirt are you wearing now?
A black halter with a purple half-sweater
Do you sing?
It's part of my job description
Do you de-label your beer bottles?
every last one.
Do you talk about your feelings or hide them?
Hide them, mostly
Is there something you regret and wish you could take back?
of course
First thing you do when you wake up?
blow my nose
Ever had surgery?
Wisdom teeth taken out
Last argument you got into with?
hubs - it probably had to do with moving/house renovations
Do you tend to rip the paper off water bottles?
I don't buy water bottles any more
What's one good thing about your best friend?
she's been there for 20 years and will be there forever :)
How long does it take for you to fall asleep at night?
Depends on if my sleepmate is snoring or not
Current song on myspace?
I recently ditched myspace.
When you shut off your alarm clock, do you tend to fall back asleep?
gosh, yes.
If you were given the chance to take care of a monkey for a weekend, would you?
of COURSE! Unless it was a poo-flinging monkey
What is the current advertisement on the side of the screen?
nothing - just my iChat
What are you looking forward to in the next few months?
moving to Austin, tailgating, starting my internship, living in the same city as most of my bestest girl friends :)
Who are you texting?
nobody right this minute
It's Wednesday afternoon, where are you usually?
Well before this week I would have said at a music therapy session and then working on schoolwork, but for the next few weeks it's going to be working on the house and moving and then after THAT I'll get off work at 5pm and probably go somewhere to work on my thesis.
Honestly, if you could have ANYONE in the world, who would it be?
My husband. Honestly. Oh, and maybe James McAvoy.
Your Christmas list consists of?
Lowe's/Home Depot/Anthropologie gift cards :)
You're going to New York for school shopping, where do you go first?
H&M
You need a new pair of jeans, what store do you go to first?
American Eagle
How do you feel about your hair?
Thinking about dying it blonde.
What movie is in your DVD player?
Nothing. I think the DVD player is packed already.
If you could move away, no questions asked, where would you move?
SPAIN.
How much do looks matter to you in a guy/girl?
What matters is that I still get butterflies when Kyle looks at me :)
What's the greatest thing that happened to you today?
I got some English breakfast tea and am overlooking the lake at Mozart's
How many TRUE best friends do you have?
I'm blessed with a few - boys and girls.
What would you change about your life right now?
Nothing, really.
What’s the best feeling in the world?
Waking up realizing that the hubs's made me some of his world famous blueberry muffins. ;o)
not as hippie as i thought
I had dinner with the folks at the Whitehall Coop last night and it was a really good time! I showed up just in time to harvest chard from the garden and I helped make a rockin' salad - the girl I cooked with made homemade pesto with pecans and basil from the garden and the neighbors brought over some of the most awesome garlic hummus I've ever had. It was a great night meeting lots of new people and such, but I left with a tummy ache. I think it was the radishes. I also had the realization that while it's a really cool place to live, I don't think I could do it. So, I'm not going to. I'm moving in with my cousin at the end of May :) I can't believe my internship starts in a few short weeks!
5.04.2008
breathing out, breathing in
breathing out three years of the hardest work I've ever done, the best grades I've ever made, the most progress I've made on myself as an individual ever in my short lifetime
breathing out awkwardness, anger I've held on to, friends who have done me wrong, times I have not been my true self.
breathing in the air of possibilities, joy, faith, happiness, peace, success, possibilities and above all, love.
The damp air of the hill country intoxicates me - brings me back to me :) I so totally needed it.
Dinner with the hippies tonight - do I bring flowers or maybe sangria fixin's?
I know knowing me this goes without saying but I love love LOVE Austin. Like, in a jumping on the couch, shout it from the rooftops kind of way.
5.03.2008
things I learned from my sisters
I am not the generally warm-fuzzy let's all talk and cry about our feelings sort of girl all the time so it may come as a surprise that I was involved with 3 different sororities during my undergrad. Probably the most...controversial? (not sure if that is the right word) decision I made (maybe controversial in my own head) was to join TBS my senior year of band. I recently had a professor ask me why I would join a sorority my senior year and I think at the time...no wait, I know...that I had something to prove in terms of that sorority.
I came to school fresh from a high school program where I loved people, loved to serve my band (how dorky is THAT statement right there?), and just loved service in general. When I got to UT I did probably every service event that TBS put out there, not because I wanted to get into the organization necessarily but because I just liked hanging out with the people, liked serving. I had no way of knowing that I was being judged on how good I was as a person by several members. It became clear as years went by and I never got a bid that I was maybe not cut out to serve the band with this elite group. I didn't understand it, other people didn't understand it either, but the way the system was set up let lots of personal issues get in the way of who got into the organization. My husband was even president of the brother-organization and he didn't know what was going on, but it was still fun (albeit awkward) to show up with him to functions. Not awkward for me so much, but I could see it in everyone else's eyes, as if my worth came from whether others thought I was good enough. I remember the day after everyone got their bids my dear friend and I went to band rehearsal (her story is similar in some ways to mine) and I said, "I feel like everyone is looking at us." Like, that it was some huge tragedy we hadn't been picked. Again.
So somehow the rules got tweaked and bent (no really, the person who was president at the time really did change everything) and I was given a bid, apparently by unanimous vote. My roommate at the time also got one, and she definitely was going to take it because she had been given a bid earlier and then dropped out because of school stuff. I was a wreck about it. There was so much drama wrapped up into this decision - was I walking away from the other two sororities (both which were in different ways very...opinionated about this one)? The president -who was also a good friend at the time- was convinced that I was going to show up at a meeting and burn the bid, and I nearly didn't show up to one of the first things we did together. I remember driving to the place we were supposed to meet completely in tears. My roommate talked me through it and said that I could drop out at any time, to just come to this meeting and see how it goes.
I ended up getting all the way through pledging and becoming a member, then realized that serving when I had to write down all the hours and being forced to show up to events that were sometimes pointless but supposed to make us bond as sisters was making me into a really unhappy person. Top it off with the deterioration of a friendship with aforementioned president and my decision to attend the national music therapy conference in Austin (*sidenote: I had JUST decided to seriously start looking into MT and the conference was IN TOWN and my sister had completely paid the $300 super late fee or whatever for me to go) instead of a 24 day of talking about who should be allowed in the organization and the fact that that got me put on probation in the organization was a recipe for disaster. I tell people now that if I knew then what I know now about TBS, I wouldn't have joined it.
Except, my pledge class.
Most of the girls were freshmen when we got bids, and that means that they came into band when I was New Man (I think they call it New Member now) Advisor. We're a seriously motley crew (crue?) of ages and experiences and personalities, which was to be expected in a group of 20 something girls. I cannot adequately put into words what the time spent with these girls did for me. They were the ones who kept me going, kept me sane when I had to deal with all kinds of BS that last year and a half. I had way more fun getting to know them than pretty much anyone else in the organization, and we as a group in our absurd, quirky, irreverent way made a place for ourselves in the legacy of TBS. I mean, during one event we were put in a tent and made to write a poem about how wonderful and glorious the organization is so what did we do? Slam poetry. And a haiku. Don't get me wrong, we loved band and loved the organization, but I think we were from the get-go over the you're-going-to-feel-nostalgic-about-this-because-someone-else-is-telling-me-that's-how-I-should-feel thing. It took us a long time to really bond as a class, but I think all the awkwardness forced us to be genuine with each other. One of us said last night that we're going to end up ruling the world one day - one is in Hollywood, one in New York at school, one is in London, others in graduate school, all living their dreams.
I was going to be in Austin anyway this weekend, and when I found out that our last two pledge sisters are graduating and being "roasted" I tried to get our whole pledge class together to be there, which turned into 4 people at dinner and then just 2 at the event, with one sending love via Email. It was a surprise, and the looks on the faces of the girls was totally priceless. When we FINALLY got around to talking about you girls, I was truly honored to have started out in this organization with you. So many girls had much to say about how strong, inspiring, and rock star y'all are which made me giggle because I vividly remember your first days in band. I treasure all of the pledge class but I think it is poetic that you two were the last ones standing, because y'all are far more rock star than any of us. L and B, you are fabulously strong women, and you know that, and you don't compromise yourselves in any way for anyone, which is something I really admire. B you are so shamelessly smart and humble at the same time that it baffles me and getting to talk to you nearly every day is a joy. L you are so genuine and hilarious and I've never really been able to trust someone who is as nice to everyone as you, but I do trust you. Last night I remembered what a huge impact individual people can have on each other's lives, and y'alls beautiful words of wisdom, advice to do what makes you happy, to really truly care about other people, to really listen to people, honestly was like blowing on dying embers in my soul. So from the bottom of my heart, thanks for that. Also, hearing the love that you guys have for the organization and for people in general reflected back at you was just a testament to how wonderful y'all are, and I was so proud of y'all. Happy graduation, folks - go show the world how it's done.
5.01.2008
little boy ____ come blow your horn...
Rarely do I do things well when I am pressed for time. A fabulous example of this is when I ordered wedding invitations. Not only did I not order enough, I accidentally put Austin instead of Arlington on the return address part (thank goodness the zip code was right) and then I misspelled the in-law side of the family's last name. It was a mess, a mess I attribute to the fact that I was trying to get through my first year of graduate school.
We've had lots of conversations about what colour the living room/kitchen area should be. I want warm in the living room, green in the kitchen, while my better half wants the opposite. We even went as far as deciding on a greyish blue for the living room. Well, even though it's my last week of class we decided that I was perfectly capable of picking out a paint colour by myself so I went over to the paint store in Plano and picked out (what I thought was) a lovely shade of grey/blue. I got home and with the help of my lovely and talented assistant Candace got it up on the walls. It was nighttime and she graciously let me obsess all night about the paint color because it was not in fact coming out blue/gray but LITTLE BOY'S ROOM BLUE. If I get to the house later today I'll take a picture. And next week, when all the stress of school is done, I'm painting over it.
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